narrowing ray of hope
Starting in the year 2007, I started to experience loss from death for the first time. I have a very confusing family tree so I need to explain that a little first. I was adopted at birth by my biological aunt (Glenda, or as I normally call her, my adoptive mom) and her husband James (Jim,or adoptive dad), When I was about 2 or 3 years old they got a divorce and my mom moved to Florida, while I stayed in Illinois with my dad. I didn't understand, I was still under the impression that I would be able to see her, but instead I spent about 5 or 6 years waiting, until my adoptive parents both got remarried to someone else. My mom married a man I was never very fond of, I'll just say he wasn't the nicest. My adoptive dad married my step mother, Julie (she was emotionally abusive to me) this is when the non-death related loss gets even harder to deal with, because my adoptive dad was the only real parent I have ever known, until he became submissive to my step mother and supported everything she said to hurt me, and eventually becoming her. This tore me apart, and now that I have been living with my fiance for about a month now, it tears me apart more, with every good memory that I once shared with him being a painful reminder of how I will never have the option to have a non-dysfunctional family, torn apart by the lack of communication, and in this case, respect for one another. Little did I know that my life was just starting to shatter. On June 5th of 2007, my Great uncle on my step mother's side, died. I have met him before, and every time I did something that I didn't know could cause do much regret. I thought I would never forgive myself. On the same month of that year, just before going on vacation to visit my adoptive mother, as I went to the kitchen to tell my parents about how exited I was to go to Florida to visit my adoptive mother. My dad didn't waste any time telling me that I might not be able to visit her. I asked why and he simply told me "your grandfather on your mom's side (adoptive mom) was killed. Two women drove up, one came out of the car and asked for his wallet, and as he willingly began to search his wallet for money, the woman snatched the wallet got into the car and sped off, dragging the 83 year old 70 ft. and left. He later died in the hospital. I was devastated, and my mother being left to deal with the court dates was also devastated. The vacation was shorter than planned but I was relieved to know that I had gotten the chance to see her, but hearing her crying harder than I have ever heard before was heart-breaking. Again, this was only the beginning. December 3rd of that same year, my grandfather on my step mother's side died. She was not happy and I was the first to realize it. She began taking her anger out on me, and every December since then, she has taken it out on me. It felt as if I was being punished for losing a loved one, and after five times of being hospitalized for depression and 30 "minor"(interrupted or the plan failed before I got to it), and 5 major/near death suicide attempts, and years of many different types of self harm, I began to blame myself for everything that went wrong. My step mom continued to remind me of this, making it harder and harder not to blame myself. Harder not to blame myself for the arguments, accusations, insults, degrading and threatening comments fired at my heart. It never seemed to stop, It felt endless. The nightmares I have been having constantly my entire life have gotten so much worse. As the death became less frequent, the insults and accusations from my mother became more common and more painful. Until just last year, may 7th 2011, a close friend of mine had died in a (highly preventable) car accident. This friend of mine made it possible for me to go to school without having to sit in my "lonely corner". She helped me when no one else would. I never realized just how good of a friend she was. I felt as if all of the effort and progress I made was worthless. It meant nothing. I was convinced that life was just and endless, downward spiral, and that I was worthless and forgotten. And since the sound of sirens or alarms, especially from an ambulance, I still remember lying awake that night and hearing an ambulance go by around the same time the accident took place. It was a different abmulance, but now every ambulance siren is a painful reminder of a terrible loss. Lately as of the past month, I have been feeling more depressed and stress, and at one point mid last month, I almost died from the stress. I saw heaven and hell that day. I knew I was dying and as I felt myself starting to fade, I asked God to keep me here. I knew the pain would be unbearable but I also knew it was best. I have had my doubts since then, but they are much stronger now. I also found out that on march 7th 2012, a girl that I graduated with died after heart surgery. I didn't talk to her much, but I regret it now and the old feelings of loss I thought I left behind are resurfacing. As soon as I thought it was over, earlier today I was informed that my fiance's mother, ran into my step mother at the grocery store on my birthday yesterday. Turns out, my great grandmother died sometime last week. I still don't have any details, but what upsets me the most is the fact that my parents didn't even bother to tell me about it. I live 15 minutes away and they had all the time in the world to come and tell me or at least contact me. That was obviously too much to ask. They just casually told my fiance's mother in the middle of the grocery store and she told me that my step mother sounded as if she was guilt-tripping me for it. As if she was trying to say "thanks to my daughter leaving and causing so much harm to the whole family, and not being able to say goodbye to my grandmother". As I am typing this message, the feelings of guilt mentioned before and brought to me by my step mother are here again. And now I am faced with another situation. My adoptive mother told me last august that she has a year, maybe a year and a half to live. I am scared to inform her of how I recently left my parents house after finally working up the courage to stand up to them. I am terrified of how she will react. Yesterday my sister sent me a message asking me to call her, but I am scared that if I talk to my mom I will start an argument that can never be resolved. And by starting that argument, I will also lose the relationship with my sister. I am afraid that if I don't talk to her I will still end up losing my relationship with her by not calling her like she asked. I am running out of time to decide and each day it gets significantly harder for me to live my life and enjoy the things I used to. Right now I am still trying to find what seems like non-existent hope. It feels like it is further away every day and the pain is more intense than ever. And no one seems to understand, they tell me to get over it making it harder to keep fighting. Everyday I pray I find even the slightest bit of hope or understanding, but it looks to me like I wasn't meant to find it at all.