Nearly 5 Years & It Still Hurts As Thought It Were Yesterday

by Sarah
(UK)

I lost my Dad on 16th October 2009. And honestly, it feels like it was just yesterday but at the same time, it feels like it's been lifetimes that he's been gone. I was 15 at the time when I lost him, his death was sudden, he went into A&E with a bad cough. And next thing you know, he's been admitted to the hospital and our entire family has been called in urgently by the doctors.

I still remember the day - coming home from school to hear that I had to go to the hospital to visit Dad. He looked okay at the hospital, apart from the oxygen mask and the IV strapped to his arm, he looked like whatever it was, he'd fight it. He didn't look like he had Pneumonia and that though the next 24 hours were crucial, it was most likely that he wouldn't make it. The doctors had it wrong.

I never knew that night would be the last time i'd see my father alive - with his eyes open, still breathing, still looking at me.

The doctors were wrong that night. He did make it through the night but he was unconscious - on a life support machine. And he spent the next thirteen days this way. It was hell, seeing him hooked up to IV's and watching the monitor beep and watching his chest pump when it was in actual fact, the machines pumping air into him. The days went by slow and I recall being in a numb bubble, I wasn't interested in my school work, and no one really knew the full extent of my fathers condition. But peoples passing 'hope he gets well soon' and 'he'll make it, don't worry' messages didn't make it any better. I hoped he would and I really did see him coming home eventually - I believed it. I had hope.
And it lasted until the day the doctors said his system was shutting down; that his organs were failing, that his body was shutting down. That he was giving up.
And then the next morning, our entire family was called in by the doctors. And that's when realisation sunk in and hope evaporated.

They were turning off the life -support machine. It was over. They had done everything they could. I remember sitting there next to him when they began turning everything off. The doctors said that there was a slight chance that when they turned it off, that he would breathe on his own and fight to stay alive. But it was only a miniscule chance. So i watched, hoped, prayed as the machines turned off and his chest beat steadily. My siblings told me to talk to him, to hold his hand - just incase he could hear us and fight. But I didn't do it and i regret it every moment in my life. Instead, i sat there and cried and the monitor began beeping erratically and eventually flatlining.

I hate myself for not holding his hand that one last time, for not saying goodbye, for not encouraging him to stay with me. I feel like I failed him.

He passed away 10:45 on Friday October 16th.

I keep thinking about it more and more these days, and I miss him so much. I don't talk about him cause I end up crying. But I have days like today where I just sit alone and cry, it hurts as the gaping hole in my chest opens up but the release feels better. I didn't grieve properly after his death, I threw myself into schoolwork and busied myself, and I remember my English teacher telling me that if I don't grieve now and and put it off, one day I'm going to wake up and it's going to hit me like a tonne of bricks. And that's what it feels like right now. I can't sleep, I can't stop missing him and at times I feel suffocated. It just hurts so bad and I just want to feel the numb feeling again.
I just want my Dad back I really do.

I'm hoping that writing out my feelings will help with the delayed grieving process, i know ut's never gonna stop - that it's gonna hurt to remember him and that the pains going to strike out of nowhere. I just wish I could grow immune. I just miss him so much.
And I feel so helpless to the pain.

Comments for Nearly 5 Years & It Still Hurts As Thought It Were Yesterday

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Jun 07, 2014
Hi,
by: Anonymous

I lost my father over a year ago and I feel the exact same way. In fact, I am having one of those days today. My father suffered cardiac arrest - by the time I got to the hospital, he was being kept alive by machines. I think about those moments all of the time. The questions I didn't ask the doctors, the things I didn't tell my father. I NEVER fully grasped that he was gone, even though deep down, I knew was. I sat there in total shock. Silent. I think back now about all of the things I should have told him, although I know he knew. We were very close and had a wonderful relationship. I have thrown myself into many, many different activities this pat year. Keeping busy keeps the grief away for me. Not the healthiest way to cope I'm
sure, but it works for me. While I have accepted the loss, at times I get so overwhelmed when it hits me that I will
never see him again or hear his voice, I almost get physically sick. Thankfully I found this website and have been comforted by all of the wonderful people who post here. I will keep you in my thoughts. You are not alone, and I am so sorry for your loss. Barb

Jun 07, 2014
Nearly 5 Years & It Still Hurts As Though It Was Yesterday
by: Doreen UK

Sarah I am sorry for your loss of your father. Your teacher is right. When you don't deal with grief and you repress it because it is too painful (which is understandable) it comes back twice as bad. But I do understand at your age of 15yrs. I would have done the same thing. In fact I did. and in my 40's it caught up with me and I had to go into counselling then and the pain was so bad I felt as If I had an operation without anaesthetic. The pain was UNBEARABLE for so long. BUT. The Healing was so AMAZING. I am Healed to a point I can now cope with life better. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer 2yrs. ago. I could not function for 6 months. I DID NOTHING. I COULD DO NOTHING. Then after 6 months I started to Heal and started doing one or two jobs a day. I thought I was getting over grief and now had a relapse. I guess this is the way grief displays itself. One moves forward and regresses, until they feel they are moving forward. Half the battle is understanding how & what is going on with grief and what to expect. Knowing you are not alone and what you are feeling is normal. I would say to you to FACE THE PAIN no matter how bad it gets. It won't last forever (like I thought). You CAN and WILL recover from grief. If you find you are struggling then go and see a CRUSE bereavement counsellor for support and it will help you to move forward and lose the RAW GRIEF FEELING which is what you are going through now. It feels RAW grief. You will also learn ways to FORGIVE yourself for not holding your father's hand before he died. WE all have REGRETS. and sometimes they are so debilitating. It will take time for us all to learn to let go of OUR REGRETS.

Jun 06, 2014
Feel so Alone
by: Josie

I totally understand what your feeling I had 3 brothers and I was the baby of the family the only girl. It's been 24yrs that I lost my Dad it was sudden he had a massive heart attack and his new wife who was around my age didn't even tell me she called my brother who in return called my babysitter. I was at work and when they told me I had a phone call I figured it had to do with my kids something petty, but my son who was 11yrs old at the time was crying and told me Grandpa's dead my babysitter got on the phone and told me it was true. I lost it at work and it hurt so much because before he married that woman he was extremely close to me and my boys. I was even more upset when I got home & found out my brothers were at her apt comforting her when I needed them I went I into a rage and broke just about everything in my bedroom my ex called my oldest brother and told him I needed them. He came over and reality set in my Dad was gone and I didn't even have the chance to say goodbye. After that I was never the same and 18 mos later my brother died. From there on it's been horrible I lost my last brother on Mother's day last year. I am the only one left of our family. I'm 54yrs old I have my kids and grandkids, but no one understands the pain and a part of you that goes with them. The only thing that keeps me going is my faith in God that I will see them again they live in my memories and in my heart. Your Dad knew how much you loved him and he loved you he has not left you he will always be with you. He would not want to see you sad he's in a better place just grief when you have too don't let no one tell you get over it you never will we have no other choice but to just be grateful for the time we did have them. God bless you and know you have nothing to feel guilty for at least you were able to be there when he left this world I never got that chance with my Dad. Take care.

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