Neither Here Nor There

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Bunny trip from Arkansas to California

Bunny trip from Arkansas to California

I've been thinking, problem is that's always seems to take me to places of emotions, pain, missing and right now a life that is just sucking....
I've discovered through actually doing ~ You drink to forget and you can't forget when you drink.... so what's the point?
It's a double edged sword that we all hold, wheeled and sometime cut ourselves with. There is no escaping.
During the day I work, on my way home I'm hearing wording on the radio that make me think of Billy and then at night it could be a part of a show I've watched that bring takes me back. The most painful part of my life that I'm drowning in.
I heard a quote on TV this evening:
The timing of death like the ending of a story gives a changed meaning to what proceed it. Mary Catherine Bateson
Yes that is true....
I started looking at her quotes and found:
We are not what we know but what we are willing to learn.
So I asked myself what have I learned.
1. How to lose my Soul mate
2. Sell everything that was ours and move to another State.
3. Get a job, support myself (not doing a good job at)
4. Make it though the first's of everything
5. Cry each night because I'm alone
So you see I keep telling myself life is a learning process always. Anger is an issue but sometimes it take's a back seat. Coming or going I still haven't figured out what I'm doing. I see the license plate on the wall "Frogoff" that was on Billy truck that I sold and I'm sad. We had a big green Excursion and we were look to get personal plates. So "FrogOff" was born. When we moved to Arkansas and had to register his truck they let me keep this licence plates. The truck maybe gone but my frogoff is still with me.
Depression is tricky, I know I've fallen and its a struggle to stay afloat at times. What I say, and what I intend to do somehow these days don't follow in line.
In the beginning of this horrific nightmare I told Barbara Kay (Billy's best friend and cousin) I thought I was going crazy and should be committed. She told me if after 2 years I was still the same then maybe I could be right. Well I'm on my second year and crazy as in the beginning? No ~ but, sometimes it sounds like it would be so simple to just let go ~ to go to that craziness and push the world away.
But I know I can't....
I call myself a work in progress ~ forever on my own now...
Billy watching on the sidelines I know wishing better for me. It's hard, so very hard but I will pull myself up by my boot straps as Billy would say and move forward not sure of where I'm going but going anyways...
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year, 4 months

Comments for Neither Here Nor There

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Sep 26, 2013
by: Anonymous

Here I am at 10 months of my sons death. How difficult.
The struggle every day. Lost his dad my soul mate 19 years ago. Why can't be answered. Grief is the roughest road . You are not alone on it.

Sep 26, 2013
by: Anonymous

Here I am at 10 months of my sons death. How difficult.
The struggle every day. Lost his dad my soul mate 19 years ago. Why can't be answered. Grief is the roughest road . You are not alone on it.

Nov 06, 2011
Going forward anyway
by: Judy


Your honesty and open posts always inspire me. I'm a little further on this rotten road than you are so I can say that your comment about going forward without knowing where you're going is really what healing up from these horrific losses is really about.

I'm coming up on two years this month (funny when I first wrote this I wrote "tears" instead of "years", the defining word of the experience of grief). Anyway, to me that's what real healing means, you are going forward even though you don't necessarily know where you are going but you DO know you can handle whatever comes along.
That's not to say you won't have misgivings, confusion, fear and sadness BUT you KNOW you can get through it. Because you have come this far. Look at the list of accomplishments in your post. Look at what you have done-big life changing events. And you can do this too-you can go forward and you handle it.

Big hugs from Florida.


Nov 05, 2011
by: Vickie

Patricia, I just finished reading your latest blog. I feel very much the way you do. No matter what I am doing, it seems there is always some reminder of my daughter. Whether it be a song playing on the radio, or a t.v. show or my mind wandering all through the day to the past. It can be exhausting. I feel like there is no escape from the emotional hell we are all suffering from our losses. It isn't like a physical pain where you can get some pain medication to help with your pain. We have to try and get through each and every day and that often can be difficult and so wearing on the mind and soul. I feel like an emotional atm..I am overdrawn because there are never any deposits-just withdraws. I don't think that your crazy. From reading your posts you sound like a woman who has lost the love of her life and is grieving. I am not saying that maybe a support group wouldn't help or talking to a therapist but I have very many of the same feelings. How can we Not feel so overwhelmed at times, worn out? There have been times I felt it would be so much easier to just let go, but I know I can't. I have people that would be devastated and I could never put someone through the 'Hell' I have been going through. So, I am like you and many others who are here. Just try and take it one day at a time. What else can we do... I am so grateful for this site. It is a crazy thing to think that probably none of us have ever met in person, but here we are-sharing our deepest and darkest feelings. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. With the holidays fast approaching I am sure we all need the extra support. God Bless you.

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