Neither Here Nor There
Bunny trip from Arkansas to California
I've been thinking, problem is that's always seems to take me to places of emotions, pain, missing and right now a life that is just sucking....
I've discovered through actually doing ~ You drink to forget and you can't forget when you drink.... so what's the point?
It's a double edged sword that we all hold, wheeled and sometime cut ourselves with. There is no escaping.
During the day I work, on my way home I'm hearing wording on the radio that make me think of Billy and then at night it could be a part of a show I've watched that bring takes me back. The most painful part of my life that I'm drowning in.
I heard a quote on TV this evening:
The timing of death like the ending of a story gives a changed meaning to what proceed it. Mary Catherine Bateson
Yes that is true....
I started looking at her quotes and found:
We are not what we know but what we are willing to learn.
So I asked myself what have I learned.
1. How to lose my Soul mate
2. Sell everything that was ours and move to another State.
3. Get a job, support myself (not doing a good job at)
4. Make it though the first's of everything
5. Cry each night because I'm alone
So you see I keep telling myself life is a learning process always. Anger is an issue but sometimes it take's a back seat. Coming or going I still haven't figured out what I'm doing. I see the license plate on the wall "Frogoff" that was on Billy truck that I sold and I'm sad. We had a big green Excursion and we were look to get personal plates. So "FrogOff" was born. When we moved to Arkansas and had to register his truck they let me keep this licence plates. The truck maybe gone but my frogoff is still with me.
Depression is tricky, I know I've fallen and its a struggle to stay afloat at times. What I say, and what I intend to do somehow these days don't follow in line.
In the beginning of this horrific nightmare I told Barbara Kay (Billy's best friend and cousin) I thought I was going crazy and should be committed. She told me if after 2 years I was still the same then maybe I could be right. Well I'm on my second year and crazy as in the beginning? No ~ but, sometimes it sounds like it would be so simple to just let go ~ to go to that craziness and push the world away.
But I know I can't....
I call myself a work in progress ~ forever on my own now...
Billy watching on the sidelines I know wishing better for me. It's hard, so very hard but I will pull myself up by my boot straps as Billy would say and move forward not sure of where I'm going but going anyways...
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year, 4 months