Never Our Time

by AJ

On Sept 14, 2010, I lost my best friend. We were co-workers who, thru shared experiences, became best friends and a hope for more in our lives. About 9 years ago after his wife left him for almost a year and my significant other walked out on me, we shared the hurt, pain and grief present in our lives. Since we have a working relationship, the opportunity was there. After his wife had been absent for almost 8 months, we started seeing each other on a regular basis.

They had divorce papers drawn up but were fighting over assets. The thing is, thru all of this, it was obvious that he was crushed by the loss of his marriage. Then suddenly, after almost a year, her boyfriend broke it off and she wanted to come home. Knowing him as I did, I encouraged him to give it a shot. He would never know if it could have worked unless he tried. After about a year, things were pretty much back where they started in regards to their marriage. I found out later that he was suffering both emotional and physical abuse.

They lived separately in the same house, still unable to agree on a separation agreement. She makes twice his salary but wanted the home, his retirement, etc. His kids wanted him to move on but he was a stubborn man. Then approximately a year ago he was diagnosed with liver disease. As he got more ill he realized that "things" just didn't matter much anymore. Just before Labor Day he told his wife that he was moving in with his daughter and would sign off on whatever she wanted.

Understand, we had not gone out since he went back to her. We talked about it and wanted to do things "the right way." He warned me that once the divorce was final he would win me over in a whirlwind of dates and good times. He wanted to marry me as soon as we were both comfortable with the time frame. I already loved him. I had since the first time we went out. I fell even more in love seeing what an honorable and righteous man he was. He said he loved me and wanted a few good years before his disease could potentially claim him. Then on Labor Day, he got sick, ended up in ICU and died a week later.


I was blessed to see him the night before because his daughter knew the situation between us. It was a great blessing. However, because he was still "married", the wife was there when he passed, made all arrangements and got all the sympathy. I feel cheated in many ways. No one seems to think I should or have the right to mourn for a man that wasn't really mine. We never had our chance to be together and share all the things we had planned for.

My heart aches and I feel lost in my grief, with no real place to share it. His daughter has been great but she too is mourning the loss of her father. I know I will survive. I know I will make it through. Because of my faith and because I know that is what he would have wanted for me. But there are times I feel as if I can't breathe, I can't think or I can't take another step forward. I am angry and sad but also feel blessed for the time we did have.

I just feel so alone.........how do I make others understand the depth of my feelings? How do I grieve and at the same time try and make everyone else understand why I am? I too wonder how I will go on.