Never the same without her

My mom was my life. I've always struggled with depression and social anxiety since I was a very young child and my mom was the only one who I could always confide in and be completely comfortable around. She was always there for me and I would tell her anything and everything. We hung out together all the time just like best friends. We liked the same food, the same movies, the same books, etc. I would rather hang out with my mom then any of my friends.
She was always happy and positive and down to earth. She always gave me good advice and taught me to have strong values. I never imagined she would do something so drastic as to take her own life. But that is what she did about a year ago when her life went awry in a very short period of time. She was already having financial struggles and then in a period of only about 3 or 4 days she dealt with both a mugging and totaling her car, both of which she miraculously survived with very little physical damage. Maybe that is part of what makes it so hard is that she survived all of that, only to take her own life because of the stress and trauma of it all. The last night I saw her, she was crying. I told her it would be okay and that I loved her. I hugged her and gave her a kiss. She promised she would see a doctor in the morning. That night she went outside and shot herself. I found her in the morning. That moment is one I can still vividly remember a year later, as if it is burned into my brain.
For a few months I would suffer flashbacks to that day but those have mostly stopped. I still dream about her a lot. Mostly I dream that I can somehow stop her from shooting herself, but the dream always ends before I know for sure if I succeed. Sometimes I dream that she is in a coma and wakes up, but there is always the lingering feeling that she will fall back into a coma in my dreams. Guns and mentions of suicide trigger anxiety in me. I don't even like going back to the town we lived in because everything reminds me of her and the places we would go to together and those memories trigger the deep sadness within me.
Right now my life feels empty without her. I do not wish to take my own life as I would never hurt those who love me, but I no longer have very much passion for life, just overwhelming feelings of apathy. Everything feels stupid and pointless and I've been distancing myself from others so that I won't have to deal with so much pain when I inevitably will lose them. I have occasional moments of fun where I forget about what happened for a while, but I haven't had any feelings of true happiness since the day she died and I honestly don't know if I ever will again. In some ways that is comforting to me as it almost feels as though I've ascended to some higher plane of existence by shutting myself off emotionally from everything. I think at this point I have just accepted that this is the way my life is from now on and I'll have to learn to live this way.

Comments for Never the same without her

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May 17, 2012
Sorry for your loss.
by: Anonymous

So sorry for your loss! Very touching story! I just recently lost my mom too and just can't seem to shake the pain of it!
We were very close...yet I live with my husband, some hundred miles away. I was about to go see her but with about 30 people laid off at my job, my time off got delayed a bit. During that time diff. (of the original vac. date & the delayed one) my mom died. I feel horrible as if I would have PUSHED my original vac. dates they likely would have been accepted but I heard a next round of lay-offs was occurring soon, so in fear, I didn't. At that time, I already didn't see her for the longest it had ever been: 4 months made to 5 with the lay-offs and now I super regret all that!!! I was an anorexic teen & only my mom really accepted/loved me during that illness (I have recovered) while other family members/friends blew me off or made fun of me. It was very hard.
Just recently my neighbor shared that when his mom got shot he saw the hidden gun about 30 min prior to the incident & has felt guilty all these years for not saying "Why does yr acquaintance so & so have a gun?" He has lived with that guilt for years. Neither of us understand the timing of the death of a loved one or the small "what if's" that may have changed things. It is hard enough -why do circumstances occur that make it harder? Like with you..a few changes may have made it a tiny tad easier to bear...not that it ever is really I guess. Anyway I relate to your pain in my own way & wish us both peace -eventually over it all. My prayers are with you!

May 17, 2012
Sorry for your loss.
by: Anonymous

So sorry for your loss! Very touching story! I just recently lost my mom too and just can't seem to shake the pain of it!
We were very close...yet I live with my husband, some hundred miles away. I was about to go see her but with about 30 people laid off at my job, my time off got delayed a bit. During that time diff. (of the original vac. date & the delayed one) my mom died. I feel horrible as if I would have PUSHED my original vac. dates they likely would have been accepted but I heard a next round of lay-offs was occurring soon, so in fear, I didn't. At that time, I already didn't see her for the longest it had ever been: 4 months made to 5 with the lay-offs and now I super regret all that!!! I was an anorexic teen & only my mom really accepted/loved me during that illness (I have recovered) while other family members/friends blew me off or made fun of me. It was very hard.
Just recently my neighbor shared that when his mom got shot he saw the hidden gun about 30 min prior to the incident & has felt guilty all these years for not saying "Why does yr acquaintance so & so have a gun?" He has lived with that guilt for years. Neither of us understand the timing of the death of a loved one or the small "what if's" that may have changed things. It is hard enough -why do circumsatnces occur that make it harder? Like with you..a few changes may have made it a tiny tad easier to bear...not that it ever is really I guess. Anyway I relate to your pain in my own way & wish us both peace -eventually over it all. My prayers are with you!

May 13, 2012
hi friend
by: Anonymous

I cant imagine being able to go on after what you went through. Its so unbelievably sad. and pointless. I wish we could just wave a magic wand and have time back where we could predict what would happen and stop our moms from dying. but we cant no matter how we look at it they are gone. and we have to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts where they were also shot into a million pieces, and still lies bleeding. we have to go on. we have to get out of this whole we are in, and to try to be happy again. Arent you tired of feeling this way? I am. I want to laugh again I mean really laugh. we have to be able to say yes my mom is gone, but I can still talk to her in my head and say geez mom if you were here I would tell you this and this. and remember when.......
Even though you feel alone, your not. there are a lot of us out there whos feeling exactly the same as us. please dont give up. I know its easier to. but even though Im not sure if I can go through this grieving process and come out alive, but I am sure as hell going to try. life just cant be this empty. if my mom was here she would say its your choice. you decide if you are going to be happy or not. so ... I want to be happy again. so do something about it! so I took the first step and said enough!!!!!!!! I went to see a psycologist and she put me on anti depro meds but she told me that if you dont get rid of all those feelings inside you are just putting off the inevetable. so I began a journal this weekend. told my mom everything i wanted to say and every thing we are never going to share. anyway it sounds lame but it helped. put on some nice depro music and cried and got it out of my system. for now. and now I must get on with this business of grieving and going on with life. still have a session left with the shrink so she will be able to tell me if i am on the right path. i miss you so much mom. but i am getting my head out of my butt and am trying. so please my friend. start trying. you cant go on feeling nothing. its your choice!!!! but choose to fight dammit! life has a plan for us. but we choose how we deal with stuff that happens. fight fight fight you will be happy again!!!!!!!!! your friend*nadia

May 12, 2012
My sympathy
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to hear about all that you have been through. Losing a loved one is such an awful thing, and I'm sure the way your Mom died makes it even harder. I'm sure that by the way you describe your relationship, that your Mom loved you very much. She had to be at such a fragile emotional place to have done this. We must have the utmost sympathy for those who feel there is no other way out. I am glad to hear that you do have some happy moments. My husband passed away, and though I feel sometimes that I will never be really happy, I am grateful for whatever joy I get out of life. My friends and family have helped so much. Seek out those who give you comfort. Wishing you peace. Joanne

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