Never the same without her
My mom was my life. I've always struggled with depression and social anxiety since I was a very young child and my mom was the only one who I could always confide in and be completely comfortable around. She was always there for me and I would tell her anything and everything. We hung out together all the time just like best friends. We liked the same food, the same movies, the same books, etc. I would rather hang out with my mom then any of my friends.
She was always happy and positive and down to earth. She always gave me good advice and taught me to have strong values. I never imagined she would do something so drastic as to take her own life. But that is what she did about a year ago when her life went awry in a very short period of time. She was already having financial struggles and then in a period of only about 3 or 4 days she dealt with both a mugging and totaling her car, both of which she miraculously survived with very little physical damage. Maybe that is part of what makes it so hard is that she survived all of that, only to take her own life because of the stress and trauma of it all. The last night I saw her, she was crying. I told her it would be okay and that I loved her. I hugged her and gave her a kiss. She promised she would see a doctor in the morning. That night she went outside and shot herself. I found her in the morning. That moment is one I can still vividly remember a year later, as if it is burned into my brain.
For a few months I would suffer flashbacks to that day but those have mostly stopped. I still dream about her a lot. Mostly I dream that I can somehow stop her from shooting herself, but the dream always ends before I know for sure if I succeed. Sometimes I dream that she is in a coma and wakes up, but there is always the lingering feeling that she will fall back into a coma in my dreams. Guns and mentions of suicide trigger anxiety in me. I don't even like going back to the town we lived in because everything reminds me of her and the places we would go to together and those memories trigger the deep sadness within me.
Right now my life feels empty without her. I do not wish to take my own life as I would never hurt those who love me, but I no longer have very much passion for life, just overwhelming feelings of apathy. Everything feels stupid and pointless and I've been distancing myself from others so that I won't have to deal with so much pain when I inevitably will lose them. I have occasional moments of fun where I forget about what happened for a while, but I haven't had any feelings of true happiness since the day she died and I honestly don't know if I ever will again. In some ways that is comforting to me as it almost feels as though I've ascended to some higher plane of existence by shutting myself off emotionally from everything. I think at this point I have just accepted that this is the way my life is from now on and I'll have to learn to live this way.