Never was, has been or will be a mistake
by Valerie Reynolds
My son was born out of the product of an affair, an affair that didn't survive his birth three months premature or his death and likely wouldn't have survived period. So now I'm alone trying to grieve for the baby I lost with a man I loved who refuses to grieve with me. I know from previous relationships that the WORST thing you can do at a time like this is not grieve together but what can I do? I can't make him feel something he's obviously not feeling. He called our jj a mistake at one point or unplanned, don't remember exactly how it was put. My son will never be regretted not by me, and neither will the affair with his father. I loved them both so much, I wish they both could have known how much I would have given for us to all be a family. I cry myself to sleep every night thinking of the night he was born and holding him there alone, always alone, always will be i guess, my lot in life. I once told a friend that I didn't know which would b more difficult, losing a baby you could hold and grieve over or having miscarriages (usually have early miscarriages), now I know, i would rather spend every second of every day holding jj's remains than I would lose one more baby. I'll always be grateful I got to say goodbye to him at least. I wish his daddy had been there and i wish he was here holding me now as I sit and cry yet again but soemthings aren't meant to happen i guess, not for me anyway. his daddy thinks the affair is best over so I guess that says everything I need to know right there, doesn't it? Can't grieve with someone who doesn't see something or someone worth grieving with or over. I miss you baby, I would have given every breath in my body that you had been able to live, I would have loved you and done anything under this sun and moon to protect you, not mine to have, not mine to protect. Will find you a proper place to lie in the spring where mummy can leave you flowers once in a while, hopefully daddy will too. We both loved you JJ, never doubt that mi bairn.