Never was, has been or will be a mistake

by Valerie Reynolds
(Concord, MA)

My son was born out of the product of an affair, an affair that didn't survive his birth three months premature or his death and likely wouldn't have survived period. So now I'm alone trying to grieve for the baby I lost with a man I loved who refuses to grieve with me. I know from previous relationships that the WORST thing you can do at a time like this is not grieve together but what can I do? I can't make him feel something he's obviously not feeling. He called our jj a mistake at one point or unplanned, don't remember exactly how it was put. My son will never be regretted not by me, and neither will the affair with his father. I loved them both so much, I wish they both could have known how much I would have given for us to all be a family. I cry myself to sleep every night thinking of the night he was born and holding him there alone, always alone, always will be i guess, my lot in life. I once told a friend that I didn't know which would b more difficult, losing a baby you could hold and grieve over or having miscarriages (usually have early miscarriages), now I know, i would rather spend every second of every day holding jj's remains than I would lose one more baby. I'll always be grateful I got to say goodbye to him at least. I wish his daddy had been there and i wish he was here holding me now as I sit and cry yet again but soemthings aren't meant to happen i guess, not for me anyway. his daddy thinks the affair is best over so I guess that says everything I need to know right there, doesn't it? Can't grieve with someone who doesn't see something or someone worth grieving with or over. I miss you baby, I would have given every breath in my body that you had been able to live, I would have loved you and done anything under this sun and moon to protect you, not mine to have, not mine to protect. Will find you a proper place to lie in the spring where mummy can leave you flowers once in a while, hopefully daddy will too. We both loved you JJ, never doubt that mi bairn.

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Jun 07, 2013
Multiple Losses = Big Need for Counseling
by: Lindsay

You sound depressed and should seek counseling for your losses. You have lost your precious child, you lost what you feel your life would have been with him, you lost the love, support, compassion, and any sense of humanity from this cruel man. When you say "affair" I picture you with a married (to another person) man. Your child will always remain in your heart, but what people sometimes don't realize is that your heart's capacity to love grows with the addition of special people in your life. Can I suggest that if you had that kind of "affair" that you find someone that is available to you. Some women don't feel worthy of their own man so they date people that are emotionally unavailable. I can assure you that there is a special person out there for you. You won't care about this man in the least when you find YOUR man!

What I'm trying to say is that you deserve to be loved, cared for emotionally by someone that is meant only for you. Should you have a child, your heart will expand its capacity, leaving the entire space you have for your lost child untouched. He will always be loved like he deserves.

Jan 09, 2013
Your story touched my heart
by: Zayra

I've been visiting this site on and off since February, when I lost my 19 year old sister in a car accident. I read the stories and it makes me feel like I am not alone in my grief. I usually read the stories under lost children because I feel like I need to know how my mom is feeling in order to help her. Today I came across your story and it truly touched me. I hope that as days go by, you can learn to cope with your loss although I know that you'll never ever forget the feeling in your gut when you realized your child was gone. I can't even fathom how difficult it is for you to deal with this alone but know that no matter how hard it is to hear it, your child is in a better place. You will be together again one day.

Oct 14, 2012
by: Betty

I know the pain you are feeling but to have no one that you can share it with is hard. My husband grieves but still we don't together I feel he does not hear how bad it hurts me and I get no comfort from him. I know your pain and we in most ways know how tormented we feel I hope and pray we can know peace someday. Betty

Oct 14, 2012
Never was, has been or will be a mistake
by: Doreen U.K.

Valerie I am sorry for your loss of your baby and also for your loss of relationship with the baby's father.
It is a very difficult journey for you in both ways. But you are an articulate woman and know too well you can't grieve over someone who is not responding to you in the way you need. As the saying goes. "You can take a horse to water but you can't force it to drink." At least you know where your priorities lie. With Your Baby. A mother could never forget her child that was attached to her by an umbilical cord. Men don't have this experience so I guess many a man could be forgiven for not having the same feelings as the mom. Men establish a bond later with the baby. I guess the baby's father didn't make the effort to bond. he had pretty much made up his mind what he wanted.
It is painfull when the man you love does not share the same values as you or love you in the way you need. In your post you make reference to
ALONE. I guess this is my lot and always will be. This is not true. You feel Alone now due to the circumstances. Please go and get grief counselling to support you and help you see things clearer so that this tragedy does not blight your life forever and stop you from finding a relationship that does work and offer you the Love and Happiness you Crave and Deserve.
The counselling will Help Heal you. You can go on to live a Happy Life. Don't let this experience or failed relationsip stop you from moving forward and finding Love Again. Best Wishes

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