Never whole again

by Lynne
(TX)

We lost our youngest daughter Jessica on Feb. 29, 2012. She had just had her 30th birthday. She fell ill the day after her birthday and I took her to the ER that day. She had started running a fever and had a very loose cough. They ran tests at the hospital and said she was positive for Influenza type A. They sent us home with Tamaflu and the usual instructions.
A few days later, Jessica came to my room in the middle of the night and said we needed to go to the ER again as she was having trouble breathing. I jumped out of bed and got her to the ER within 20 minutes. After a very long time of medical procedures, the Dr. told me that she had pneumonia in one lung and they were taking her up to ICU.
Once there, a Pulmonologist advised putting her on a ventilator to help her breath. The pneumonia had rapidly progressed to the other lung. Anyway, they put her under sedation, placed the vent and started multiple antibiotics.
They didn't work. She was diagnosed the next day with Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome...an aggressive infection that affects not only the lungs but all the major organs.
She died 48 hours after being taken to the hospital.
She left a husband and 5 year old little girl.
In all honestly, I'm am continuting to live only for my other daughters and my granddaughter. I can't do that to them, but dear god, I wish I could die. I'll never be whole again. I feel like I'm a wind up toy going through the motions...work, smiling, talking, and all the time, I am thinking of her. It's been 4 months. I don't know what to do. I am devastated.

Comments for Never whole again

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Mar 09, 2014
2 years
by: Lynne for Jessica

its now 2 years. I still feel that you just left.
when you first passed I felt the need to express all my feelings of loss and devastation. Now the pain has just become a quiet, dull part of me.
I will love you forever. I still dont know how this can be real.

Oct 02, 2012
Still the same
by: Lynne

It's now 7 months and nothing has changed. I'm truly broken by Jessica's loss as is my daughter Lauren. We did find out 2 weeks ago that Lauren is pregnant. It is strange that one seems to be taken and another given, but none of us would have ever made this choice.
My poor husband can't even talk about it and Jessica's husband is still easily brought to tears. Her daughter seems to be more philosophical than the adults. She occasionally cries but truly believes that her mommy is still with us but we just can't see her.
The loss of my darling baby girl is terrible enough but watching the heartbreak of my family is adding insult to injury. I feel like we are in hell and nothing will ever get better.

Jul 14, 2012
THE SAME EXACT THING HAPPENED TO OUR FAMILY
by: LAURENE

MY SON MICHAEL WOKE UP ONE MORNING WITH AN ASTHMA ATTACK AND AFTER HIS ASTHMA ATTACK HE WAS FINE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY THAN HE WENT TO MY DAUGH)TERS HOUSE AND HE FELT SICK SO MY DAUGHTER AND GRAND DAUGHTER HAD TO TAKE HIM TO THE ER THEY KEPT HIM BECAUSE HE HAD PNEUMONIA A DAY LATER HE WAS UP IN ICU THAT SAME DAY HE CODED THE DOCTORS CALLED AND TOLD US THEY WORKED ON HIM AND HE WAS DOING OK SO WE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL A FEW HOURS LATER THEY TOLD US THEY WERE GOING TO PUT HIM ON THE VENTILATOR AND PUT HIM TO SLEEP AND THEY TOLD US HE WOULD WAKE UP A FEW HOURS LATER BUT HE NEVER DID THREE DAYS LATER THE DOCTORS TOLD US HE HAD A.R.D.S (ACUTE RESPIRATORY DISTRESS SYNDROME)AN AGGRESSIVE INFECTION THAT AFFECTS NOT ONLY THE LUNGS BUT THE MAJOR ORGANS ON MAY 3RD 2012 THE DOCTORS DECLARED HIM BRAIN DEAD ON MAY 5TH 2012 WAS THE DAY MY FAMILY SAID GOOD-BYE WE DONATED HIS KIDNEYS AND HIS LIVER THEY WERE NOT ABLE TO USE THEM BUT THROUGH THE DONATION OF HIS CORNEAS HE GAVE THE GIFT OF SIGHT A WEEK AFTER MY SON PAST MY DAUGHTER FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT SHE WAS TOLD BY DOCTORS THAT SHE WAS NOT ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN AND BOOM WE GOT A MIRACLE! THEY SAY GOD TAKES ONE AND GIVES ONE BACK KNOWING THIS HELPS US GET THROUGH OUR LOSS LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME!!

Jul 03, 2012
Never whole again
by: Doreen U.K.

Lynne I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. I have just lost my husband of 44years. You are facing grief in the same way we are. I too don't want to live. I rise to a new day and hope I will feel different. Each day will be different. Just live one day at a time and don't look too far ahead. We only get one day at a time from God so we have to live it well till we are called home.
To lose a child is the worst thing that can happen to a mother. It is a whole different type of grief. I hope that the other 2 postings will strengthen and encourage you as they were well written and full of hope and encouragement. I wish you all the best in the days ahead and that you will feel more comfortable with your grief. Grief expressed finds it way to healing.

Jul 03, 2012
Too soon
by: Sandy A

I am so sorry for you loss and the pain you are going through. I lost my son 1 1/2 yrs ago. I still cry - but I can tell you now not as deeply. The heart wrenching sobs have turned into a more silent cry. You will feel different in time. I say different not better because as parents we will never be better or accept this. I pray all the time and have found strength in prayer. Please take one day at a time. Its a long hard journey that we are forced to take. We will never be whole again because a piece of our hearts is missing. Please take care - one day one breath at a time.

Jul 03, 2012
Response to your grief
by: Cynde

Dear Lynn, I hope by now that your grief has gotten at least a little better. I too, lost a daughter and thought that my life was over. The reason I am still here is because I have another daughter and son. Had she been an only child, I would not have chosen to walk the walk that I have had to stumble down these last few years. I had to be here for them, and my grandson.

My daughter was my first child and therefore a friend. In a sense, we grew up together. When she died after being stuck by a car crossing the road just one week past her 21st birthday, I thought I was done. Now that I look back, I know that I have literally walked through the valley of the shadow of death, and had it not been for my friends and the feeling that Jesus literally reached his hand down to save me, I would not be here.

Whether you are a religious person or not, please pray for strength! You will feel the urge to scream and rage at God or the world for you loss, and that is OK. You need to release some of it. I often think of it as the "i'm a little tea pot song" as a child. Sometimes I have to tip over and pour it out (meaning the grief) or explode. With time, it does get better. And when you can look back and be thankful for the time you had with them and count your blessings and not your losses, you will start to feel better. Until then, please stay strong and know that it isn't goodbye forever...just "ta ta for now".

I wish you peace, love & strength. My daughter passed 4 years ago, and I am still standing. So can you.

Jul 02, 2012
miss her
by: emma

i lost my daughter, age 25, on 5 June. I know how you feel, it is so raw. I don't know how to get past the grief either, just know that we are not alone, it happens too often.

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