Ambien and various other medications made it possible for me to sleep through most of the holiday. Christmas was bad but for me new years is worse.
See every January 1 John asked me to marry him always with the same intensity and love he wanted me to start each year knowing he loved me and that we walked together. So this year I look around and realize no one proposed, I walk alone. Actually I don't walk I stumble along
I always looked forward with some vision in my head some idea of a future. Now I see nothing, no image no road no hope.
I find myself thinking John just died, but he died in March and I move toward the first anniversary.
Now every day is a raging memory that slams me into the wall of his death.
The fact is it doesn't work avoiding it all, he is dead and no matter how I beg he is gone
I put his aftershave on the pillows so there is the scent of him.
The emotional ache translates to physical pain
But at least you feel something
I love you John always have, always will
I cannot do this without you
And so once again I put my head down
One breath one step one day at a time