New year

by Zoe
(Maryland)

Ambien and various other medications made it possible for me to sleep through most of the holiday. Christmas was bad but for me new years is worse.

See every January 1 John asked me to marry him always with the same intensity and love he wanted me to start each year knowing he loved me and that we walked together. So this year I look around and realize no one proposed, I walk alone. Actually I don't walk I stumble along
I always looked forward with some vision in my head some idea of a future. Now I see nothing, no image no road no hope.

I find myself thinking John just died, but he died in March and I move toward the first anniversary.

Now every day is a raging memory that slams me into the wall of his death.

The fact is it doesn't work avoiding it all, he is dead and no matter how I beg he is gone
I put his aftershave on the pillows so there is the scent of him.

The emotional ache translates to physical pain
But at least you feel something

I love you John always have, always will
I cannot do this without you

And so once again I put my head down
One breath one step one day at a time

Comments for New year

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Jan 04, 2011
Anniversaries Hurt
by: Anonymous

Anniversaries are supposed to be a celebration Lord,
but these aren?t happy anniversaries.
We miss our boy.

As the anniversary date of his death draws near, I thought of a ?weeping? text.
Jeremiah 31:15, NLT, speaks of mothers mourning for their children
because they were no more.
I can relate.

Shedding tears of grief has been a common practice for thousands
of years because we share a planet with an
enemy whose entire focus is death.

I am learning not to stop there, but to read on: ??But God says,
Stop your incessant weeping, hold back your tears?
There?s hope for your children.?
Jeremiah 31:16-17, MSG

When this text came to my mind today, Lord, it was as if You placed
Your strong hand gently on my shoulder and breathed
comfort and peace into my sorrowful soul.

Yes, we still have tears, but we also have reasons for joy.
Your Word says that Your eyes are on those Who hope in Your unfailing love.

So we hopefully wait for You, Lord, our Help and our Shield.
Psalm 33:18 & 20, NIV, paraphrased

Lost my son to tragic suicide. You bet it hurts! I understand that deep, gnawing pain. But I have also gradually learned to understand that God never leaves us alone. He is grieving along with you. If you like this poem, I can share more at "impossiblejoy@yahoo.com". Blessings, GT



Jan 03, 2011
This stupid marathon of grief
by: Hope

Zoe,

So many bittersweet memories this last month huh? It seems to crush the will out of our very existence. I have lost some of my strength these past weeks too. It is to be expected after this long tedious impossible uphill climb towards this new life that we do not want. We slide backwards into despair, the climb is just too much and we are too weary to reach towards happiness.

This is a marathon for us all; we want to reach the finish line of grief but there is much stumbling. The memories bring us to our knees over and over again. I do not really know how we get up and start over again and again but we do.

We have no other choice but to pick ourselves up and start again. It doesn't mater how long it takes to get there we will ALL get there...
eventually. Grief has made us raw and sore but come here and we will listen as you talk and try to soothe the unsoothable.
HH

Jan 02, 2011
Sorry.....
by: Danielle

I can not tell you how sorry and sad I am for you. Just know that he would not want you to suffer....he wanted you to be happy. Yes with him...but he is in your heart forever. He wants you to find a way to make the most of your life here....until you meet again. Stay Strong.

Jan 02, 2011
How I know the feelings...
by: Cindy

Zoe,

My husband asked me to marry him on New Year's Eve 35 years ago and oh, I know how very hard it was for you on New Year's Day. My husband has only been gone for 1 1/2 months and it is so new for me and difficult to even function. I don't know this life without him. I was 18 years old when we got married, so I am so lost in this world and don't understand why God had to take him. I do know how you feel and having to take the meds to even make it through the day. Some days I really don't even want to continue. I don't know why we have to suffer this grief... it is so heartbreaking. I miss my love so much and he was so good to me. My heart breaks for you too, as we all are on here.

Cindy

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