No answers to death
Not a single day goes by that I am not in turmoil over the death of my husband. It has now been a little over 19 months and there have been very few days that I don’t have a major meltdown added to minor ones. In fact, when I feel the crying coming on anymore I try to stop it as my body is wracked by the stress of the crying. It actually hurts now in my throat and chest when I cry. Problem is I am still experiencing waves of grief over and over and over. It’s just impossible not to think about what my prior life was like and not feel defeated by what I have to do now by myself. I hate the quiet, the feeling of being alone.
What makes it better? For me, nothing. I function now better than I did but it is just a fake life. There is nothing that brings me happiness. I am broken hearted and nothing can help. I am just being honest. Yes, I am doing more things than I did for the first year which was when I could barely get out of bed or get dressed and when I did I had to force myself to do even basic hygiene. I still force myself to get up and get through a day and I do things that I have to for me and kitty but it doesn’t mean I like it. It doesn’t mean that my grief is less. It just means I have had to resign myself to getting through days because I am alive. That’s it.
I think it would be easier if I knew that somewhere, somehow I KNEW I would be connected to my husband again and I could live a little more at peace but since I believe in science and not superstition I cannot use “belief” as my prop to get me through the unanswered questions I have. Instead all I do is hope. I don’t want to live to be old. I’ve had what I wanted. 35 years of marriage to the only man who really knew me.
Everyone says at 62 I still have lots of good years. Sorry, but I don’t want them. It’s not that I am ungrateful I just don’t need to keep dragging through this life paying bills and doing things where I have no one to share the best and the worst of times. I have friends and siblings that “believe” I still should enjoy what I didn’t do before, now that I am alone and that somehow they are enough support for me to build this “new life” upon. What they don’t understand is I was never meant to be alone. I really needed the spirit of my husbands energy to give me reason. 24/7/365 days a year. I can’t muster it myself. I was searching for reason when I met him and now that he is gone I have lost it again. I am only half of a whole. His half made my half. I exist in body but my spirit died when he died. I really have no one but myself and I’m not meant to be by myself. Not now, not then, not ever.
This is suffering that changes your entire outlook on life and what it really means. It’s hard to think there is anything else that could be worse and expectations are that recovery from feeling such loss is just a matter of time. All I want is to be joined together again with the only person who really gave all of himself to me and me to him. Why is that so much to ask?