No answers to death

Not a single day goes by that I am not in turmoil over the death of my husband. It has now been a little over 19 months and there have been very few days that I don’t have a major meltdown added to minor ones. In fact, when I feel the crying coming on anymore I try to stop it as my body is wracked by the stress of the crying. It actually hurts now in my throat and chest when I cry. Problem is I am still experiencing waves of grief over and over and over. It’s just impossible not to think about what my prior life was like and not feel defeated by what I have to do now by myself. I hate the quiet, the feeling of being alone.

What makes it better? For me, nothing. I function now better than I did but it is just a fake life. There is nothing that brings me happiness. I am broken hearted and nothing can help. I am just being honest. Yes, I am doing more things than I did for the first year which was when I could barely get out of bed or get dressed and when I did I had to force myself to do even basic hygiene. I still force myself to get up and get through a day and I do things that I have to for me and kitty but it doesn’t mean I like it. It doesn’t mean that my grief is less. It just means I have had to resign myself to getting through days because I am alive. That’s it.

I think it would be easier if I knew that somewhere, somehow I KNEW I would be connected to my husband again and I could live a little more at peace but since I believe in science and not superstition I cannot use “belief” as my prop to get me through the unanswered questions I have. Instead all I do is hope. I don’t want to live to be old. I’ve had what I wanted. 35 years of marriage to the only man who really knew me.

Everyone says at 62 I still have lots of good years. Sorry, but I don’t want them. It’s not that I am ungrateful I just don’t need to keep dragging through this life paying bills and doing things where I have no one to share the best and the worst of times. I have friends and siblings that “believe” I still should enjoy what I didn’t do before, now that I am alone and that somehow they are enough support for me to build this “new life” upon. What they don’t understand is I was never meant to be alone. I really needed the spirit of my husbands energy to give me reason. 24/7/365 days a year. I can’t muster it myself. I was searching for reason when I met him and now that he is gone I have lost it again. I am only half of a whole. His half made my half. I exist in body but my spirit died when he died. I really have no one but myself and I’m not meant to be by myself. Not now, not then, not ever.

This is suffering that changes your entire outlook on life and what it really means. It’s hard to think there is anything else that could be worse and expectations are that recovery from feeling such loss is just a matter of time. All I want is to be joined together again with the only person who really gave all of himself to me and me to him. Why is that so much to ask?

Comments for No answers to death

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Sep 27, 2014
No answers to death
by: Lois Miller

reading your story was like reading my own.never in all my year s did I think I would lose my frist my last my everything.all I think about is hoping this fake life would end soon for me cause like you my soul died when my Richard died Jan 11 2014 3:15 a.m . again thank you for writing what ive been thinking for 9 month s now.lois miller

Sep 09, 2014
no answers to death
by: Anonymous

If you went back far enough you would find my post on the loss of my love around the same time. Except for the kitty our posts would read identical.
My husband died at home before me after a heart attack which came out of nowhere. He was my life and since then I have only welcomed to join him. If you ever need someone to talk to please let me know. I would welcome a friend in this horrible "life" that no one can understand unless they too are suffering it.

Sep 08, 2014
No Answers to death
by: Doreen UK

I am so sorry for your loss of your husband and how you are feeling such raw grief still after several months. It could take years for any of us to recover from our grief.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer 2yrs. ago and I could not function for 6 months. I did nothing. I lost my motivation, to do anything. I then slowly nurtured myself back into life. First by taking one job a day which increased. I scaled back what I couldn't do. I started to get myself back into life whether I wanted it or not. I had no CHOICE. I understand every word and feeling you expressed as I ECHO it all word for word. Life is not the same and never will be again. I have a strong Faith in God which has carried me through all the tough times in my life. I have to go on in life and the only way by taking ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Life is all about paying bills now and doing house repairs. I put as much life in my days as I can. I realised that I did not lose my FREEDOM. I can choose what I do with my life. I am in control. When one lives their life through their husband it becomes a harder grief to bear when he dies. My husband worked all over the world and our country U.K. I had to spend much time on my own bringing up 3 Children. I just got on with it and did my best to take them to church and give them a good grounding in life. I got used to my husband being away so I was able to develop my own independence and personality.
It may help you by seeing a grief counsellor if you are still struggling with your grief. You will be amazed at how you can be helped to move forward and lose that raw grief pain. You may be stuck in grief. You will find your way back into life when you get some support.
Friends and families go back to their own way of life and the loneliness becomes more intense. This grief feels like being thrown into the sea. We either SINK or SWIM. I am tired but still swimming. I am facing pneumonia at the moment and perhaps congestive heart failure. I don't want to die yet, despite how life is now. I want to be here for my remaining 3 children and 2 grand children. But if death comes I will accept it knowing that God is in control. For me Death is not the end. I believe in ETERNITY and will see my husband again and live again as God promised. This is my HOPE.
I do hope that you can find the support you need to help you move forward from the daunting life you are facing. You are not alone in your journey. We are all going through this now. Getting out of the house as Lawrence says does help one feel better. FOCUS is the key. Find a FOCUS in your life and this will help you move forward when you don't know where to start. Life will get better as the days go by. Don't give up HOPE.

Sep 08, 2014
This journey called life
by: June

What you wrote is my story too. It's been 2 1/2 years since Mike passed away. I actually still can't believe it. I am so thankful for my dog and cat who are with me everyday. I do have children and grandchildren and they do help but have their own lives.
Like Lawrence, I have forced myself to do things, volunteer, do Tai Chi, canoe, kayak, etc.
I would like to believe Mike and I will be together again. I miss him so much and I think it is getting worse.
This website has been such a help to me,I still come here at least once a week.

Thinking of you and what you are going through.

Sep 08, 2014
Just minus one
by: Jane

Dear Lawrence,
but the minus one, will wait for you,
she is always right on your side,
it dosen´t matter what you do,
in your heart her Soul is shining bright.
Your love has made you two to one,
and one day you´ll see her again,
your wife lives in your heart and is not gone,
but than the tears are coming out like rain.
She keeps them up as Drops like love,
and kisses every single one,
she wants to see a little smile on your face,
your life must still go on.
Just go deep in your heart, as deep as you can,
your wife is home now in there,
there you will find sunshine and no more rain,
your wife still want´s her big love to share.
She lost her Body, but not her Soul,
a empty sick package is gone,
but all her great love is still in you,
you still a pair WITHOUT minus one.

(My best friend has died now on the 29th of Aug. 2014. I miss her and I still miss my mom a lot too)

Sep 07, 2014
Solace and hope.
by: Lawrence

We both lost our beloved partners around the same time; believe me I know only too well the overwhelming grief you are experiencing
My precious wife and I were together for nearly seventy years, we met when the Second World War was still raging and bombs were dropping outside, our eyes met at a local youth club for a brief second and the next seventy years were pure bliss.
It was just like being half a Siamese twin when she suddenly passed away, and like you I was totally bereft and didn't want to be left alone, but I read some of the sympathetic comments on this “DEATH OF A SPOUSE” web site and they made me realize that everyone who loses a wonderful partner suffers like you and me, and I was determined that life had to go on.
The first thing I did for was to make the decision to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE” and do anything but sit there and cry.
This is my life now; I have learnt to play bridge which at the age of eighty five was very difficult, but I have mastered it and can now play with seasoned players, I write novels, compose music,but not love songs anymore,I am having violin lessons, which I stopped playing when I first saw her and I knew I would rather hold her than the violin any day..
After she died, I took it out of its case, dusted it down, found a teacher and I now practice a couple of hours every night, it takes away some of my sadness
Nobody is meant to be alone, but the inevitable facts are, sooner or later one of you would die and it is never the right time.
It’s called LIFE and nobody has any control over it.
After my wife died I wrote a poem and the last few lines are.
You will come through this in time, and like you I am very skeptical about all this religious stuff, but never the less, I still thank God every day for sharing her with me for seventy wonderful years, as perhaps so should you for the thirty five years of love and passion. you had, not that many people get to experience it.
With deepest sympathy.

Sep 07, 2014
You're Stonger Than You feel now
by: Anonymous

First Dear No answers, I'm so sorry for your loss of your husband of 35 yers. What you are feeling is normal for the 19 months he's been gone. As I wrote in my first post on this site "it's the hardest Experience I"ll ever have done".
It's more difficult for us to move forward but we must like you say becasue we are still alive. Time is our only friend in that we see as time goes by how string we really are. How much we have accomplished personally. It's been 4 years on the 14th of Sept. my love passed and I have learned to be there for my self. I have done things I never thought I would, like replace the integral parts of 3 toilets. It's understandable you feel so out of it at times. WE all who have lost our Loves have experienced it.
Loss is a part of life. God does understand your pain and He is there for you to gather strength from and to tell how you feel and ask for the strength to carry you through this terrible grief journey.
Yes, I still have my times in which I cry from missing him so. But I know I must make the best of life until it's my time to go home to God. OF course we will always have a grief corner in us and no one or thing can fill the void . Yes, it's true you have a lot of life left so you must not give up. Now is the time to find who you are again. Make new friends Try new things and if you have no one then get up and dance anyway. You are in charge of most things now. I truly feel my husband did not want me to give up. Maybe your would feel the same way too. I do things and look up and say See Chuck, I'm back to caring about how things are in our community. Still picking up trash, making sure neighbors are okay and things are done. He always bragged about what I accomplished and that made me want to do more.

I still have not taken his clothes and shoes out because that makes it so final but in time I'm sure someone will need those nice things so I will donate them.

I pray that you will reach the peaceful acceptance side of this journey and become a strong woman and find more happiness.

Sep 06, 2014
I am so sorry
by: Anonymous

I lost my father almost two years ago. He died suddenly and left behind my mother, his bride of almost 50 years. She could have written your post. Your words echo what she says everyday. My heart is broken, but I have a young family that keeps me busy. My heart aches for her because as hard as we try, and as much as she loves us, we will never fill that void in her life. I truly am sorry for your loss. Wishing you comfort and peace, Barb

Sep 06, 2014
Hang On
by: Anonymous

I understand. My husband died 9 months ago. He was my best friend. He made me whole.

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