No Boots to Borrow
Spring has sprung, which means the melt will make the ground muddy. Your boots should be sitting by the door, but they are not, I have to go find them to pull them on. You always make such a scowl when I borrow your boots, I have explained that they fit better over two pairs of socks? but you know I do not want to get mine muddy. A hug and a quick kiss usually get me out of trouble.
Oh my the neighbors kids have knocked down a portion of the fence, their father has tried to "fix" it. I guess that will go on the Honey do list. Actually, it needs to go on the Honey do NOW list so I can let the dogs out to play. I start pulling up dead plant pieces, picking up stuff in the yard. Nothing was planted last year, but that is ok, maybe this year we will get out and do some things to the yard.
I walk back toward the house alone, you are not here with me, and we are not holding hands. I have no one to kiss because of stolen boots. The boots were put away because there was no one to take them out. Suddenly they feel heavy on my feet, and I start to cry. I should not have worn them; you did not like me to wear your boots. I am crying harder now as I take the boots off and start walking to the house. I do not care that the neighbors see me in my socks walking towards the house with boots in my hand. I walk over to the faucet and rinse off the boots so they will be nice and clean. I climb the steps and walk across the deck. As I pass the sliding glass windows, I get a glimpse of my reflection, covered from head to toe in mud holding pristinely clean boots.
That is what my life is now, your things untouched and me alone walking through the mud. I should have used my own boots, and then maybe I would not be trying to peel two layers of muddy socks off of my feet. This should be funny, but its not, it just shows how much a part of me you were, and how much I miss you.
When we were in the hospital the doctor kept coming in and opening the blinds for me to see outside. She said why do you keep it closed up in here you should be looking outside, there are so many beautiful things to see this near the water. I know she meant well, but I would always close up the blinds as soon as she left. There was nothing I wanted to see, the only beautiful thing in my world was lying in the hospital bed dying. I was not missing anything out there. And I eventually lost everything else.
It will be spring soon. And in a few weeks, it will be a year since you were taken from me. So I am going in the house and close the shades because I will never have spring again. There is nothing out there that I miss, and you are gone so I have lost everything else.
I miss you so much my beloved John
I cannot do this without you, I don't want to.
One-step, one breath, one day at a time.