No Boots to Borrow

by Zoe
(Maryland)

Spring has sprung, which means the melt will make the ground muddy. Your boots should be sitting by the door, but they are not, I have to go find them to pull them on. You always make such a scowl when I borrow your boots, I have explained that they fit better over two pairs of socks? but you know I do not want to get mine muddy. A hug and a quick kiss usually get me out of trouble.

Oh my the neighbors kids have knocked down a portion of the fence, their father has tried to "fix" it. I guess that will go on the Honey do list. Actually, it needs to go on the Honey do NOW list so I can let the dogs out to play. I start pulling up dead plant pieces, picking up stuff in the yard. Nothing was planted last year, but that is ok, maybe this year we will get out and do some things to the yard.

I walk back toward the house alone, you are not here with me, and we are not holding hands. I have no one to kiss because of stolen boots. The boots were put away because there was no one to take them out. Suddenly they feel heavy on my feet, and I start to cry. I should not have worn them; you did not like me to wear your boots. I am crying harder now as I take the boots off and start walking to the house. I do not care that the neighbors see me in my socks walking towards the house with boots in my hand. I walk over to the faucet and rinse off the boots so they will be nice and clean. I climb the steps and walk across the deck. As I pass the sliding glass windows, I get a glimpse of my reflection, covered from head to toe in mud holding pristinely clean boots.

That is what my life is now, your things untouched and me alone walking through the mud. I should have used my own boots, and then maybe I would not be trying to peel two layers of muddy socks off of my feet. This should be funny, but its not, it just shows how much a part of me you were, and how much I miss you.

When we were in the hospital the doctor kept coming in and opening the blinds for me to see outside. She said why do you keep it closed up in here you should be looking outside, there are so many beautiful things to see this near the water. I know she meant well, but I would always close up the blinds as soon as she left. There was nothing I wanted to see, the only beautiful thing in my world was lying in the hospital bed dying. I was not missing anything out there. And I eventually lost everything else.

It will be spring soon. And in a few weeks, it will be a year since you were taken from me. So I am going in the house and close the shades because I will never have spring again. There is nothing out there that I miss, and you are gone so I have lost everything else.
I miss you so much my beloved John
I cannot do this without you, I don't want to.
One-step, one breath, one day at a time.

Comments for No Boots to Borrow

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Mar 05, 2011
The little things
by: Judy

Zoe,

Thank you for this elegant post that exactly expresses how it is the little things that keep you reminded of your beloved and what his loss means. It is the little everyday things that come along everyday that remind you he is not here.

By now, 15 months, I have conquered finances, handled little house and car issues alone, learned to cook and shop for one and gone through holidays and anniversaries.

What I have not conquered is the loneliness that comes when I look over at Barry's Hardee hat from his Civil War reenactment hobby and remember him in full Union regalia talking proudly to a group of school kids about their heritage. I find his book about Birds of North America and remember how we used to get it out when an unidentified bird would come to our feeder. I look at the flag that was given to me by Ft Rosecrans at his funeral and remember the Honor Guard, standing in pouring rain playing Taps, and knowing he would have been immensely proud to know he was being sent off by fellow National Guardsmen. Little things I look at everyday and remind me he is not here, everyday.

We go on because there's no other choice and I can tell you it does get better, but it only takes a second for a memory to intrude in your day.

So hang in there Zoe. You don't want to lose these memories however painful they are now because as time goes by they will become part of your warm memories of you beloved.

JM

Mar 04, 2011
"Heart Breaks"
by: Donna

Zoe, my heart breaks for you & each person (including myself) on this site. We have all lost too much. My Bobby has been gone 12 weeks and I wonder each day if I'm going to be able to make it through. I, too, always "borrowed" his boots, his shirts,and boxers. He loved seeing me wear his shirts and boxers, said he didn't know they could look so good til I wore them. God, how I miss that look he would give me. I just made myself get out & mow the yard this week. We always mowed the yard together, worked in the flower garden together (although he did most of the work), did everything together. How do you go on???? It's so hard to take one breath, one step, one day at a time.

Mar 04, 2011
Boots
by: M Mack

Hi Zoe,

I feel for all of us going through these stages of grief. No matter how long it's been, we will always feel the loss and pain in our hearts.
Those memories.....they are big and little objects, places, personnel, private only known to us. No one understands how they pop into our heads and take over. One thing we do know is that we are in touch with our loved ones through these experiences. We are close to them, reminded of them to get through mourning the loss. Don't let these incidences detour you or slow you down too much. John is around you and trying to help you move through this. I pray for comfort for all of us and that one day, our memories won't hurt as much. Love and hugs.

Mar 04, 2011
I know
by: Yvonne

I understand completely how you feel. The day before Roger died he had me sit down and he made a list of things for me to do. I know now why he did it. It kept me going. I was doing it for him. But now the list is done and there is nothing left. The flowers he loved will bloom. The dichondra he weeded for hours on end will stay green. I will do it for him, but then I will come in and shut myself in the house because there is nothing out there for me. If he could only say "good job" Yvonne and let me know he is watching. Some days are so hard. Please know there are those of us out here who feel your pain. And although it doesn't help we know how you feel.

Mar 03, 2011
NOTHING
by: Judith

God, Zoe! this is how I feel. I used to have hope but it's wavering at best. We must go on...for what? I don't believe anyone really cares if we're hurting so deep within.Your letter makes me hurt for you and me. No one understands the heart wrenching pain from having the one and only snatched from you never to be seen again.

We ended up with pictures that break our hearts, boots or things that bring loving memories and we know we'll never be happy again, at least for a long time. I used to to tell him I would say I was happy because it meant if you weren't smiling you weren't happy. I preferred the word content. Now I know I was happy with him band content.

Zoe, I have hope for us but it's a long lonely journey to get there.
Love to all

Mar 03, 2011
Sorrow
by: Tony

Who would ever think an inanimate object would have such significance, huge hugs.

Mar 03, 2011
the muddy boots
by:

This is the first season that I have not dreaded. It will be my 2nd spring without my Love. I would tick off one weeks passing every week at first then a month, then another. One day I hope Sunday is just Sunday and the 6th passes without me noticing till it is over. Then just hmmm gee how did that one get past me.

I know that spring is coming and I used to get so angry and weary, knowing that we should have spent it together. I am handling decisions a little better without falling apart or simply not caring so some progress is better than none.

I still cry from time to time its usually with a memory that I did not expect to effect me after 15 months. Thinking that no I am not all together healed but making it day by day. Not dreading every sun rise and just waiting for the day to be over only to start the whole process all over again.

I planted things last year because Paul did. This year I may plant some seeds...if they come out fine if not I was never the one with the green thumb anyway. Somewhere within there is a us trying to emerge that was once a we. And it is so hard I know. My best wishes to you Zoe as you try to adapt to this life. There has to be a way out of grief though different for everyone.

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