No escape by Lawrence


Progress Report number 3 Christmas 2013.

I have just returned from Disney in Florida where I tried to use Mickey to help me overcome my intense grief at losing my deeply cherished wife suddenly on Christmas Day 2012.
I regret to say it was a “NO Contest”, all it did was to make me mourn and grieve more than ever for my lost love, and I joined the widows and widowers following behind their families with sad lonely looks on their faces.
We had made many visits to Disney with our children and never noticed those poor people and now I am one of them, it made me feel every one of my Eighty five years.
Seeing all the young couples holding hands with screaming happy children made me incredibly jealous, and then I nipped myself to remember the seventy wonderful exquisite years we had together, a lot of the time in Disney and I quietly thanked God.
Needless to say I will never do it again, the pain was intolerable and I realize you can’t run away from unbearable grief, you just have to live with it.

Comments for No escape by Lawrence

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Jan 07, 2014
No escape by Lawrence
by: Doreen UK

Lawrence Applaud yourself. YOU TRIED. You were moving forward. I am so proud of you for how far you have come in your grief. To feel the way you did on Christmas day and throughout the holiday in Florida was your attempt to do something positive not just for yourself but also for the family you took with you. You couldn't have anticipated how you would feel. The very atmosphere changes when you are not with the one you lost. I feel this also all the time. Nothing or no one can every replace the one you lost. But to have people with you on your journey is a Blessing. Don't ever give up! You may go back some time in the future. But for now go with your heart and don't exclude anything future that doesn't work out now. Your emotions and grief will still be very fragile. But will change with time. For you it is more painful because for anyone to die on Christmas day is just the pits. It will affect your life forever and Christmas will never be the same again. For me it has been 20 months of losing my husband and I didn't think I would have more fragile days. But I have to weather this storm till it passes. I still feel my husband so close and this feels so good. I wish you all the best for This New Year 2014. I hope it will be a good year for You and for everyone who comes to this site. Best wishes.

Jan 07, 2014
No Escape
by: Doreen UK

Judith I applaud you and Lawrence for DOING SOMETHING. Even if it never works out the way you hope. YOU DID IT!. You got out there and made an attempt to move forward. This is what you did despite the outcome. BUILD ON THIS!. Don't feel you failed. To Fail is to do nothing. You never know the next time and the next. You may find life changes even with companionship. the important factor is to go with no pre-conceptions and you won't be disappointed. Perhaps the right person was not at that meeting place that night. WE do get tested in Life.
I get most of my encouragement from Joel Osteen. He is such an encourager and he makes one feel valued. When we feel down. Joel helps us to pick ourselves up and carry on. Nothing and No one can ever replace who we lost. But enjoy each day of 2014 and keep writing. I enjoy your posts. May life treat you well and you have a good Year. Best wishes.

Jan 05, 2014
by: Alan

Hello Lawrence, my heart truly goes out to you, I commend you for trying something that may have eased your pain. A year and a half into my grief I thought I was doing better but as I approached the two year mark I realized the shock had worn off, as much as it can, and the heartache grew worse. I never knew life could be so lonely, so empty. I find myself weeping as I try to express my feelings here at the twenty five month mark, as I'm sure many here do. We are the Lost, and much of the time, the Forgotten. Usually, we suffer in silence, our personal hell here on earth. None of us are who we were, we've become strangers to ourselves. Broken hearts do that to people who've loved deeply, and, as you've most eloquently stated it's the price we must pay for having loved.

Someone posted on my wall on Facebook five simple steps to happiness. The sentiment and thoughts behind the post were well intentioned but the words were rather meaningless to me. They were dry, dusty words. They had no place in my life, no hold on me whatsoever. A simple post on a social media site, a song on the car radio, a cell phone commercial on television can change my day and I may just find myself staring out the window or down at the floor, again, wondering why. A question we here have all asked, a question others living in the "real" world may have difficulty digesting. We've all heard the standard "It'll get better, easier"."In time you'll find happiness again". Or my personal favorite "I understand". Not to be disrespectful but, no, no you don't understand. How can anyone understand our pain, how can we describe to anyone the love we shared with those no longer with us?

I've mentioned to people that it's amazing how much you can miss someone. How important the simple things are, a laugh shared, a hand held, a look, a smile. These simple acts seem to be magnified during the long holiday season. I was kindly invited to share Thanksgiving with friends of ours and I thought it would do me good to get out and enjoy the company, but I cancelled the day before. I knew that I wasn't ready and I had visions of myself running out of their house in a panic, I couldn't ruin this day of giving thanks. So I stayed home, alone with my thoughts. I'm not sure what I had to eat that day, only a few short weeks ago. Holidays are not for the Lost, not for the Forgotten. Holidays are happy times, times to be shared with those closest to us, they give us memories to cherish always.

As my mind wrestles with the meaning of the word hope I tell myself that miracles do indeed exist. By myself or with another, I have to believe in miracles, that happiness will someday come my way.

May we all find peace.

Jan 04, 2014
i cry everyday
by: Heidi

Thank you for sharing with us. It sounds like even though you were surrounded by your loving family, you still felt lost with out your beloved wife. I fared not much better here. I couldn’t even watch home movies of us from holidays gone by. I stayed alone with our pets and pushed the world away. Talking to friends or family and hearing about ‘they and their spouse this or that’ or their plans to do things together from simple dinners to outings makes it worse. It’s just not fair. My Mickey was and is my whole world.

Mickey had so much to live for; his kids, all his grandkids (a new grandchild born the week before he died and never got to meet), and me. I love him more than I have loved anyone in this world. He knew me to my very soul and now he is gone. I had to stop at the medical center yesterday to pick up some of his paperwork. Just standing there brought back such an onrush of memories of being there with him that I just stood there crying. The lady looked at me with a wondering look on her face but I just took the papers and left. Afterwards I was so shaken I only fed the pets and fell right asleep. But I had a dream that Mickey gave me a great big hug. It felt so wonderful. I so wish he could be here in person to give me hugs. I miss him so much. Tuesday will be 3 months since he died and each day just seems to get harder.

Jan 03, 2014
We Are Alike
by: Bob in Florida

I understand Lawrence. I lost my one and only on December 4, 2010 and the holidays are a nightmare for me. We were married for 54 years and every year seems to get worse. I commend you for thanking God for all those years together, That's the way to look at it but it doesn't seem to ease the pain. I, like Judith, am at the 3 year mark and feel the same as she does about being part of a couple minus one. Let's hope the path brightens for us as time goes on and, in the meantime, it's nice to have a site like this where we can all talk to each other and release our feelings. God bless and take care.

Jan 03, 2014
by: Anonymous

Thank you Lawrence for sharing with us what we were all too afraid of. It takes courage to try to "fit in" again. I know if I tried it I would be reporting back with the exact feelings you have shared. You are a candle here in this darkness. I have no one to fall back on and it only adds to the hurt of waking up each day. Please keep posting. Words fall short of my sorrow for us all.

Jan 03, 2014
Dear Lawrence,
by: Anonymous

My heart breaks for you as I read your post. Even though I did not lose a spouse, our experiences are rather similar. My parents were together for almost 50 years. On January 14, 2013, my seemingly healthy father suffered sudden cardiac arrest. To say that this past year has been hard is an understatement. It has been brutal. Our lives have been shattered, and my 85 year old mother is broken. She is trying to move on as best she can, but it seems impossible. I have read many of your posts, and you have been an inspiration to me during some of my hardest days. I hope that you are able to find comfort with your family and peace in this New Year. Barb

Jan 03, 2014
No Escape
by: Judith in California

Lawrence, it takes so much out of us at the holiday season doesn't it.? It's a time for family and lovers and all the festivities of New Years Eve. A time that most folks are in pairs. AND here we are alone with our memories. A year is a short time when grieving. I commend you for at least trying. We have to go on, don't we?

It's been 3 years for me. For the first time since his passing, I attended something for New Years Eve thinking it would be nice to get out and celebrate at a singles function. In reality I'm not sinlge I'm part of a couple minus one. Because no one asked me to dance or showed any interet I ended up more lonely feeling than before I went. I won't do that again either.

We are lost in a world to where we live but are so lonesome inside from missing our loves. And no one gets it unless they too are widowed.

I have sent a prayer up for you Lawrence that you find some peace.

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