No Friends

by Yvonne
(California)

A co-worker told me that the reason I cannot get over the death of my husband is because I have no friends. She is right that I have no friends. There is no one to call and say let's go have a cup of coffee or go to dinner. But what she doesn't understand is that I will never get over the death of my husband of 35 years. Roger was my only friend. We did everything together. All we wanted to do was grow old together. He was my life and now he is gone. I don't talk about him at work or really any place because I get that look from people. I want to talk about him. It makes me cry. But I love him so much. People who don't understand can be so cruel. I miss him so much the pain is unbearable. But there is really no one to talk to.

Comments for No Friends

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Jul 31, 2013
How are you now
by: Kathy

Hi. Been a couple years for you and I just saw your post. It's been 5 years on August 22nd since my best friend/only friend/husband died of a sudden heart attack - no good bye. We always lived away from family - don't see or talk to my mom/dad/brother. Talked over the years on the phone with my husband's twin sister, family of nine, who I have used as a link to him. After 5 years and much devotion to the family from my side, my mother-in-law turned 80. I was not invited. Even if they thought I wouldn't come I am so hurt not to be invited. I don't want to be hurt, but it's all I have left ... my only connection to him. I know why they didn't want me there -- because it would remind them of who wasn't there and might make my mother-in-law sad, She is a hard woman who had shown no such sensitivity over these last 5 years. She also lost her younger son at 43, my husband was 49, so I'm not the only one and she is always the one with the good spirits, religious and has lost many many people. I think it was all my sisters-in-law who were boys vs girls all his life and that is why he never wanted to move back near them, why he very rarely called any of them and now even though we were together for 30 years, I see why. Now they are all just the girls - and I am on the outs. I have no one. I don't want anyone but my husband and best friend back and I know I can't have it. I'll never get over it - never have closure - never heal. I function as much as I have to to survive and nothing more, but I am so alone and so sad and hate living. Of course, one must never say you want to die, because then all hell breaks loose and people think you need help, even though it is just a feeling, nothing I would realize. I wish I could, but no. Just completely miserable and always will be. I went to a grief group about 3 months after he died and was a mess. The counselor said in group you have to be able to help others as much as they help you and that I should seek individual help until I could reach that point. I don't think I ever will. Your message was as close to anything I have read to how I feel. I am way ahead of you in time and wish there was something I could say that would be helpful to you. I haven't found anything yet myself. How are you doing? Are you better? Did you find an answer for yourself that improved your status? My love goes out to you. I hope you can feel it because it is all I have to offer.

Sep 02, 2012
lonely
by: vivian

I lost my husband a year ago and I am still mourning , thank god I have a job 4 days a week and it keep me going and busy but the nights are really long , the week end are long and i feel very lonely although I have 2 grown kids and they are good kids but they have their life too. I really hate the weekend I would love to find someone o go for diner or a drink and that is the sad part all the people I know are married and pretty busy with their husband , grand children , the think I would like to have someone to go for a diner or movie and there is no one I could think of.

Mar 13, 2011
I completely understand
by: Terri

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband recently and have no one I can turn to just to talk. I live with my sister now and she has grown tired of my grieving already. I am only 48 and feel like I have nothing to live for. I have looked into a support group in my area but have yet to find one that is why I came to this website and so far I have to say if nothing else it has taught me that what I am feeling is normal. It also makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in this and that there are people who will listen when you need to talk. I pray that you will find comfort as well.

Mar 12, 2011
No Friends
by: Colleen

I feel your pain. I too have no friends; the ones that I did have, have disappeared. I was told by a so called friend that I am not to speak to her husband as I am single now. The cruel things people say can be mind blowing. We are being dragged kicking and screaming into a life we did not ask for or want. Until they are sitting on our side of the fence they have no idea what this loneliness and grief takes out of you. It is very scary to navigate this life on your own, I am nearly four months down this horrible road. I wish I could be there in person for you. Do not let anyone judge you as how you choose to grieve, it is your right to grieve any way you want.

Mar 11, 2011
no friends
by: Jackie

I thought I was the only one that had no friends. Like you, my husband was my life. We kept to ourselves and didn't go out much. I miss those days. For me it is 5 months on Mon. I make it through each day by trying to keep busy. Nights are the worst. Come to this website, we are here for each other. We all feel the pain and understand. If you want to talk, please email me at jlhoude@peoplepc.com. Hope you have a blessed day. We are here for you. Please take care.

Mar 11, 2011
No friends
by: M Mack

Yvonne,

It's so sad when you are confronted with people who don't understand how you feel. You're co-worker probably didn't think this hit home and thought she was giving you a good suggestion.... to meet others who are there to listen - have friends. Well this is the place to be. We can't go for coffee, or sit down for dinner with you, but we're always here to listen. We are your friends and we do care. Anyway, I find that when I do get together with friends from our past, they really are no help. Not that they are mean or inconsiderate; they have their own lives, their kids, grandkids, and husbands. I don't fit in anymore like before. Most people will ask you how you're doing....then want to move on to something else. I'm tired of talking it and the best thing for me is to be here, with those that understand me. I understand me....so know we are here for you and you can say whatever you want...it helps.

Mar 10, 2011
"Getting Over It?"
by: Anonymous

I know how that feels. It has been almost six months since I lost my husband of thirty years, suddenly to cardiac death, and I have very few friends, none call me, none write me, and I do feel so alone. My co-workers are amazingly kind, understanding and supportive, but our relationships are professional, not personal. The friends my husband and I socialized with live at a distance and are not available for last minute plans to share coffee, dinner, or just to talk to. Friends or the lack thereof is not why we cannot get over the death of our husbands. What exactly does "get over" the death of one's husband mean? I'm not sure I ever want to "get over" it. My husband was my best friend, he was the one who provided me everything I ever needed - confidence, security, love, and so much more. Getting over that is nothing I'm interested in doing. Remembering him and missing him will be for the rest of my life!

Mar 10, 2011
You have friends here
by: Judy

I am sorry that you had to deal with that co-worker. I'm willing to bet that she's never experienced the loss of a beloved spouse and therefore knows not of what she is speaking. I suspect this is another case of someone believing they are being helpful when in fact they are being hurtful.

I understand you perfectly. Barry was my best friend and we were together alone in Florida away from our friends and family on what we thought was an adventure that would eventually wind up back in CA. We did absolutely everything together-shopping, household chores, buying gas. When we were at work was the only real time apart we spent. When he started to get ill, the trips to the doctor, etc were always joint ventures. I really don't have other friends either, just acquaintances. I miss him like crazy.

It was incredibly insensitive of you co-worker to make that remark. People can be amazingly cruel and think they're doing us a favor. Just talk to us about it here, because we do understand and no one else can if they haven't stood in our shoes.

JM

Mar 10, 2011
we are here
by: kay

That is a cruel thing to say to anyone who has suffered a life altering loss. You do have friends, you have us on this site. I know its not the same but if ever you feel the need to talk to anyone or express what you are feeling with someone who knows just how you feel,please send me an email kateb333@live.com.au. I will be your friend...I am fortunate enough to have some very good friends. Maybe you should join a support group as I have done, it was hard at first but everyone can understand your pain...they tell of their pain...My heartfelt love I send to you. We may be far apart but I will be here for you. My pain is never ending, I think it will go on for all of my life. I lost my beautiful son 10 months ago, he was 23. take care of yourself....You are not alone love Kay

Mar 10, 2011
No one to watch over me
by:

Yvonne,

Your co-worker is full of it. Friends might listen for, if your lucky, a month, but they eventually get tired of hearing that same ole record. Until They go through it they may commiserate, give you sympathy/empathy but it scares them to think...wow that could be me and they draw back.

Many of us feel abandoned by them and it does not help grief go forward any faster. I have the most understanding right here. The people here are the ONLY ones that can understand how lost I am/was. And the 6 month mark was sheer torture. I could not believe that it had Been 6 months. The same is true for the year mark. Some how I thought that if I made it to the year mark I would be o.k.

I wasn't but not to discourage you. Just know that all though we share many feelings that go with grief we all deal with it differently.

This morning I was thinking that I had turned some imaginary corner, that I was doing o.k.
I was Proud that I had come as far as I had and just with that thought my eyes started leaking. I thought damn, ya think your doing well then...

If you live in a teeny tiny town like me hospice usually had a grief group that meets for 6 weeks.
Just listening to others that share similar feelings helps. There is always a Cope Line in the phone book too and perhaps they could guide you towards some relief from grief.

I hope that you have some o.k days. Things will never be the same. And people say really stupid things like you'll find someone else. I want to tell them he was my husband not a car.
HH

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