No getting Away from It

by Judith Giglio
(Winnetka, Ca)

March 13th will have been my husbands 80th birthday and our 36 Anniversary. On March 14th it will be 6 months since Chuck's passing. It's not easier and there is no relief from the memories. After 35 1/2 years together and living in the Valley no matter where I go or what I do there are all these memories of "US". So many songs and movies to to throw me for a loop when I hear or see them. The first movie we saw together "Saturday Night Fever" . Hearing the songs and remembering how we used to dance and dress then ... especially of him and how handsomely sexy he was in those "cheek" pants and silky shirts..I cry my eyes out.

Then I replant our patio and I expect him to say how nice it looks when I'm finished and I cry my eyes out knowing he's not ever going to say he likes what I do or tell me how pretty I am ever again.

I made an attempt to go out last Friday for a couple of drinks and eat some dinner. I had to sit at the bar. There was a gentleman there and through conversation had told him of my husbands passing. He said well you're pretty and won't have a problem finding someone when you're ready. I told him that would be a long time. He told me I would get over this in time as I had past loves. I explained it's totally different, I said "try to imagine you holding your mate and that you're having the most wonderful time kissing her and feeling euphoric . That your heart is bursting with so much love and feelings for her ...AND THEN she is snatched up and taken from your arms to never return and you're left with all that you were feeling ". It's like that to me".

He just stared at me with nothing to say.

That's how I feel and it's the most heartbreaking, devastating place to be.