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by Yvonne
(California)

The kids keep saying I should get out. So I drove the hour and a half to the flower fields in Carlsbad. I never drive. Roger loved to drive and I loved to ride. We were always going for rides. So this was my first outing. Roger died nine months ago today. The drive was OK. I did it. But when I got to the flower fields all I did was cry. There was no one there to say "Hey Rog look at this one". Or "Isn't this pretty" or "How do you like this one".
There was no one there. I was all alone!!!
Life really has no meaning unless you have someone to share it with.
Why do I even go on?
I am so lonely! I miss him so much!!!!

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Make it mean something
by:

Yvonne,

How did you survive your spring break? Did you take some chances? Did you gather your courage and do some things solo? Summer is coming and it would be a good idea to figure what you are going to do with that time.

After 15 months going on 16 my sister pointed out that I always have my meltdowns on the weekends. I can only conclude that that is when I have time to think. It is also the time that I get caught up on house chores which also remind me of Paul.

I know how hard it is being forced into being "single" having to rely on yourself. We are used to sharing time and working with hubby as a team. Ask for help when you need it. But you will find that doing things yourself is frustrating at first but having done them by yourself is the beginning of independence.

When I first went into a restaurant alone I felt as if the whole world were staring at me.
I knew this was my imagination and was the beginning of being comfortable doing things alone.
It take time to be comfortable going solo. It feels much like standing in front of a huge audience making a speech. Butterflys and all.

But we can do this. Make decisions for our selves, so what needs doing? It is our life part 2. How we play it out is up to us. Much luck and encouragement from all of us here because we do understand...
HH

No meaning
by: M Mack

Yvonne,

You did better than I did the other day when I drove past our old house. I pulled around the back, oh the memories. I almost felt I could see him coming toward the car. I don't even know what I said and the broke down in full agony. When I got my composure, ready to move on, I looked to my right and there was an old neighbor, Mr Nosey.
That guy knew everything about everyone. I should have known someone would see me talking and crying. I was so embarrassed I waved and pulled away. I know he'll tell everyone he saw me and that I looked completely nuts.

The point, those memories and not having them around us is like learning to live. My 9th month is Saturday and I'm already afraid of that day. Keep reaching out a little at a time to those precious memories.

All we need to do is turn the pain into a comfort knowing they're in a better place. I know how hard the flowers were for you but the main thing is you tried. Let's not give up to conquer the grief. My best to you and all traveling this very
lonely road.

the places you loved together
by: Judy

Ah the beautiful flowers field in Carlsbad. How I miss my California and it's delights. I envy you this trip, but I also totally understand how you feel. It took me many months to realize that I could not go to the places that Barry and I were happy together and be happy without him. Oh I tried to be happy, I even pretended to be happy, but the whole time I was screaming inside for him to come back to me. Gradually I figured out that I just could not go to these places anymore, I had to find other places to be in this unwelcome new life. Some people probably think the earth swallowed me up, but I don't care. Widows have to do what they have to do to get along and heal. I know your kids mean well, they just don't understand how hard it is to go solo. So go solo, but go when and where you feel like going. Don't rush it. Take all the time you need. As for the loneliness, no solution here. We need to just keep hanging on. If I ever get to CA I am going to look you up!

JM

Agree
by: Judith in California

Yvonne, I feel this way every time I do something that I want to share with him. I think of telling him something but instantly say but he's not hear to share anything with anymore and I cry. I know our lives were meant to share with someone but it will take a long while to even attempt that again. We all have to realize that God wants us to be with someone . HE knows we aren't meant to be alone so when we heal we will have to find another special person to share times with. We don't have to marry but to have an understanding partner or companion would be nice. It's been 7 months for me and the loneliness is awful. Just meandering through the day with no purpose anymore except to care for me and 3 kitties.

It will little by little
by:

Yvonne,

You may think me crazy, I do doubt my sanity as grief has muddled up any logical thinking that I ever had anyway.

I somehow think that while we begin the long grief ride from hell that our honeys are somehow looking over our shoulder as they have always done. It might be a little thing that we might miss if we aren't looking or the amazing story that a woman told about her mother and the angel wings in the clouds at 7 P.M.

I do know that I felt his presence on my darkest days. Somehow he became my guardian angel looking after me from heaven as he did on earth.

You need to get used to driving having your own adventures. Yes Paul drove on most of our outings I think that it is a man thing. They are too nervous allowing anyone to drive but them.

Start to take little road trips. Just to a museum or zoo. something less threatening that won't get to you as much as somewhere you would have gone together or reminds you of him. I know everything does remind you of him but, lets not smear the memories in our face. They will come whether we want them to or not. But can't we seek out beauty and see the world through our eyes for them?

My best to you always. Hoping that you find the inner courage that it takes to find your independence and enjoy the little things that help us so.
HH

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