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No More!!!!

by Judith
(Perth Australia)

I don't want to do this anymore. I am 10 weeks into this he'll!!! I have had enough of the pain and heartache. Will it never end? I miss my husband so much and Christmas is just too painful? My husband, John , loved this time of year. It is just too painful. I know no- one can take away the pain but I can't take any more. Why are we left with all this. There is a saying that everything happens for a reason but I will be damned if I know why we are inflicted with so much pain after a loss. I loved him from the first moment we met 35 years ago. We had a wonderful life, sure it was filled with some hard times but most of the time we worked together and got through it and just when we have put in all the hard work and have a comfortable life, this hits. We were looking forward to enjoying the fruit of our hard labour. John was just 56 and now at 54 I am alone. Can someone answer me why?.......

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Thank You!!!
by: Judith

I would like to thank all of you who have replied. I cannot tell you how much it means to have people out there who care so much. I am so sorry that we share such a horrible thing in common. I don't have anyone who has lost their husband or wife so reading people's stories and what they are going through has helped me enormously. Have just got thru my first Xmas without my darling and I turn to this site for help and re-assurance. I made it but it was so hard and I am glad it is over. Everyone says merry Xmas but there was no merry in it for me just another day to get through. Thankyou everyone.

No More!!!!! I wish.......
by: Angie

Hi
I wish I could tell you why...but I can't.All I can say is I know exactly how you feel.my husband died 5 and a half weeks ago.He was 47,I am 41.Life was fine and then suddenly I'm living in this hell!! I miss him every second of the day and night.I honestly didn't think it was possible to feel this bad.My purpose my meaning has died with him.I don't want Christmas to come its going to be horrible without him.I hope knowing there are other people feeling like you and going thro what you are going thro can help you even if it only helps a tiny bit.It is all i can do to "help".I am sorry for your lose,take care of yourself xxx

Questions
by: Zoe

Last year I had no holiday, and it was 9 months since I had lost John. I simply refused.
Unfortunately, at 10 weeks some of the "numbness" of the death is starting to wear off. Its not that you didn't feel anything, its that your mind only lets you deal with so much. As this Numbness (I call it that for lack of another name) wears off, you start to see the reality of this loss and as you go through grief, the loss changes. Dealing with it this close to a holiday will be harder.

Why, why did this happen, Why did my John die at 53 and yours die at 56. Why are there horrible evil people who are around and healthy. I am afraid I do not have the faith of a lot of the people on this board that there is some higher purpose. I hope there is, I really do. But what I do know is, whatever answer there is, we don't get it here, and as trite as it may sound, I went through most of my first year, literally on breath, one step. Nothing more. And I came here. This place we have, it helps. we are always hear, we listen and we understand. Does it make it easier, sometimes, yeah it does. The raw grating pain you are feeling is something we all know. It helps, to know that a cry of anguish in the middle of the night is heard, and understood.
Its hard, where you are right now. You can barely stand your pain, much less someone elses. But one day, you will see something written here and you will reach out, through your own pain to let someone know you are there. That communion we have here as widows, it binds us.
So know that we are here for you, we will listen. Come as often as you need to, and know we are here with a hand outstretched, through our own pain, to let you know you are not alone.
And as always,
One Step, One Breath, One day at a time.

hardest thing to do is grieve
by: Anonymous

I had two and a half years with my little boy. I would have given anything to have another fifty years.

You had a blessing, one that some never have.

I have never felt any pain as this, I know you are feeling the same. You are not alone. Let yourself grieve, stay connected to support sites and groups, they are wonderful.

May God help you through this time, as we pray He helps us all.

Pain and Heartache
by: TrishJ

Judith~
I like you was caught in the WHY ME???? place for so many months following my husband's death. I had just turned 58 one year ago when my husband died. None of my friends have lost their husbands so I was sort of by myself in dealing with the pain. They all meant well but didn't have a clue.
Last Christmas Joe was only gone for three weeks. I barely remember the holidays at all. I just drifted through the motions.
I thought the one year anniversary would bring much needed relief to my pain ~ I was wrong. I don't miss him any less than I did one year ago.
I have been able to deal with my faith in realizing that God has a plan for all of our lives. It hasn't been easy but I'm learning to accept the loss. Every day is a challenge. When my feet hit the floor in the morning I have no idea what kind of day I'm going to have. I can still be brought to tears if someone looks at me wrong. Everything that happens is intensified X 10 because my husband isn't here.
Just last evening as I was drifting off to sleep for some reason my mind traveled to that last horrible day. The sight of my husband's lifeless body on the hospital bed......hysterics.....just like that! No warning. I cried myself to sleep and said, "I REALLY CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY LONGER!!" I haven't done that in a while.
Today I'm trying to be optimistic and actually looking forward to seeing my little grandsons faces when they open their gifts. It's a roller coaster ride for sure.
Try to take things one day at a time. The pain never goes away be we do acclimate ourselves to this new life.
God Bless and Merry Christmas (without our loves).

I know how hard it is.
by: Wendy

Dear Judith,

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I lost my soulmate, Ronnie on 7/29/2011 very suddenly. That was almost 5 months ago, and I can honestly say I still don't feel any better. The pain and the loneliness are unbearable. You are only 10 weeks into the grieving process. I don't know if you've read any books on grief, I have read many, and they all have one thing in common. You cannot put a timeline on grief. It is long, slow, lonely process.

Have you tried joining a support group? I was hesitant at first, but very happy that I did. It was very encouraging to hear and know that there are others that know how you're feeling. Friends and family can't even understand.

Please hang in there and feel free to email me if you would like to keep in touch and talk. I am 56 years old, not that it's any easier to be alone at any age, but my husband was only 39.

My email is wrreefer@hotmail.com. And yes, I think the first holidays are the worst. I've done nothing but cry all day. But I'm told it's all part of the process and you just have to let yourself grieve.

Take care.

Wendy

The Cycle of Life
by: Judith in California

Judith, for me to tell you it gets better, the pain lessens, and you'll get on the other side of this grief hell probably won't be believed but it does. Your writing sounds so much like my husband and me then he became ill with PD and fell and the beginning of the end. I can't answer the WHY of it all. For me to sit and believe he was meant to fall and die 3 1/2 years later is a hard one . All I can do is sit and say IF Only he had used his walker that day and wish he had, then maybe he would be here today. I just know he couldn't have continued to live in the incapacitated state he was in and when it became so bad he lost his speech along with his walking and ability to use his hands, I prayed for God to take him home a little over a year ago because how could I care for my love when he couldn't tell me where he hurt or how he was feeling. If he had to go into a care facilty how could they care for him when he couldn't voice what he needed. He would have been left alone. I guess it's the cycle of life , we live , we love, we laugh, we cry ,we age and get sick or some disease and God takes us home when he knows we have had enough.
I am so sorry for your loss and like me 35 years wasn't enough and the heartbreak of the loss is unbearable at times but you will get past this and become stronger and different . I miss him every day but I must keep on. You will too. God give you the strength to get past the Holidays.

so so sorry
by: Joann

Judith - my husband died in an accident in June. I feel the same. We worked thru it all for 40 yrs and we were in such a sweet spot. It was so comfortable, found nothing to ever fight about anymore. Just enjoyed each other's company every day. I have been struggling so much that I have felt paralyzed. I isolate myself because I can't seem to talk to anyone. I think I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this. But then I realize that unless I kill myself, I WILL have to do this, because life goes on (and I hate that fact). None of our loved ones would want us to hurt ourselves. Yesterday out of desperation I agreed to talk to a person I used to work with who lost his wife a couple yrs ago. I couldn't talk, just sobbed. He told me that I am in emotional and mental intensive care right now. I kind of liked that because it tells me that I'm not crazy and that I shouldn't expect myself to be well. He gave me a book to read - I Wasnt Ready to say Goodbye by Brook Noel and Pam Blair. I'm better today, tomorrow I may not be. This is not the life we planned, you and me. I never imagined that it could possibly hurt this bad. Please know that I'm thinking of you, please think of me once in awhile. Treat yourself as if you are in emotional intensive care. Take good care, Joann

I know how you feel
by: Anonymous

Dear Judith, I ,too, lost my husband recently. We had been together 34 years. I cannot wait for the Holidays to be over as they are so painful without him. Two years ago I was diagnosed with Cancer, and he was my strength during the chemo. Now, I don't even know if I want to continue treatment. I have had some days however when I wake up and I don't feel so bad. I have even had some days that I have actually got through the whole day without crying. Last week I had some friends over for dinner, and we actually had a nice time. Sometimes you have to make yourself get together with people -you may find that it makes you feel better. You cannot grieve 24 hrs a day-it is too draining. Look to the little things in life that give you some pleasure. I wish you well. Joanne

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