No One Knows

by Susan
(Albuquerque, NM)

I became involved in a "polyamorous" relationship with a husband and wife. I am a twice divorced women with 2 children, and they had two kids so we all moved in together in a house that I bought. We all lived together in this house for about 14 months. After about 10 months things started to fall apart, my Girlfriends childhood abuse became a problem in the relationship and she became jealous of my relationship with the Husband.
After several months of unhappiness and the death of my girl friends Grandfather things fell apart. My Girlfriend and their kids went "home" to visit in July, my girlfriend never came back, she stayed to take care of her Grandfather. This left me alone to take care of all 4 kids with very little help from my boyfriend because he worked 60+ hours a week. I had just started a temp job that was causing me to work long hours as well. However I was left with all the responsibility for children, and home as well as all the financial responsibility.
The atmosphere in the home was horrible while she was gone. My Girlfriend would not communicate with me and my boyfriend was more and more distant. Yes we had amazing sex but I know something was going on. When my Girlfriend finally came home it was obvious that things had changed dramatically. Both my former Girlfriend and Boyfriend were distant and cruel to me. My Girlfriend had never told her Mother about me and after going home it was obvious she didn't want this relationship anymore and her Grandfather had left his home to her in her "home" town.
We had the traditional break-up talk, which they had obviously practiced. They moved out 2.5 weeks later and moved back to her hometown. I haven't heard from them since they left.
Very few people knew about our relationship and true to form those that knew won't speak with me because they were friends of the couple or my ex-girlfriend I was just the +1. I lost all my friends and my lovers at the same time. My next door neighbor knew about us but she runs away from me as fast as she can.
The problem is that I am grieving for my ex-boyfriend in a way I didn't expect. I thought that he and I had a very strong connection, my girlfriend was harder because she would hide her true self until she acted out negatively to me. I don't miss her crap. But I guess I fell in love with her husband to a point I didn't understand until they left.
How stupid is it to fall in love with another woman's husband. I never expected he would stay with me but I never expected to grieve like this for him. It has been 6 weeks and I'm a mess. I can't even talk to my sister because she is wanting me to get over this.
This break-up has been like a death to me. I will never see him again, and he will never try to contact me again. Sometimes I go on facebook to look at their pages. They haven't unfriended me because they have painted me as the bad guy in all of this. It was easy for them to hate me and cling to each other.
No one can understand my grief or even really know about it. The relationship I was in was not mainstream, thus I don't talk about it to people. The people I knew are gone and my social ties are gone. I feel very alone and lonely. I loved this man so much and I don't think I will ever get over him. My mother and father are gone, my family lives far away and I don't have any friends where I live. Why do I grieve for him like this?

Comments for No One Knows

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Nov 08, 2011
Had to Comment Again...
by: VJ


I know that everyone is entitled to 'their' feelings/opinion and this site is here I thought to help or lend support to those who are 'opening' their hearts and souls- in search of an open ear, advice, or to just be heard. There are things that I don't support, lifestyles, but I would Not make someone who is already feeling extremely down and vulnerable feel worse by pointing out their mistakes. I am sure that you are hurting because you told us you were. I think that you probably were taken advantage of, but YOUR intentions were good. Unfortunately there are people in this world who aren't so good. I hope that you will find someone to whom you can talk to and Not condemn you for being human. I will check back here to see how your doing. Take for now.

Nov 07, 2011
You were being used and that is not love
by: Anonymous

The problem here is not so much you love this guy, but you have no-one, which makes you just focus on what you had. Good or bad. And because it is gone you now concentrate on only the good times and are making them more then it probably was. Although you are alone you are better with out these two as they were only preying on your loneliness. It is so easy to see you are vulnerable and a easy target for any sex predator to have they way with you and you will take their sexually desires as love. Not true, honey, that is not the way it is done. No-one and I mean no-one can be happy with someone and it does not matter which sex when you are sharing! Be it polygamy or affair. Someone is bound to get hurt!These people have used you, HE has used you for HIS sexual fantasy and has no moved on. He got bored with you, not only her. Can't you see he is with her now and god knows with who else. I would truly think of moving away from where you are. Start a fresh. It is not that hard. Save, sell and move. Better still look on the internet and look for jobs in other towns or states it does not matter or even another country, it does not matter what cleaning, admin. behind bars what ever then move. Or better still back pack across Europe and work at the backpackers hostels. Take this time to reflect why you have such a strong need for someone to love you. Do you have abandonment issues? Use this time to get healed, love yourself and then you will see that out of the blue someone will come and love you the way you deserve to be loved and that whole and completely and not 2nd best!

Nov 06, 2011
by: Anonymous


Nov 06, 2011
Sorry for your pain..
by: VJ

Susan, I read your post and I am sorry for your pain and loneliness. I am sure it is very real and that you must feel isolated. It is hard enough for us to grieve when we have the support of others around us. Even though they may not totally understand our loss, they still care. I can see where your situation is one where probably a lot of people aren't going to be supportive, or understanding that are around you. It is a very different lifestyle even in this day and time. Please don't think I am passing judgment on you-I am not. I believe there are probably more people out there living that lifestyle than we even know but keep it hidden out of fear of being judged. I watch the t.v. series Sisterwives and I honestly believe this family cares and that it works for them. Yes, they have problems, but what family doesn't? May be you can look up a local support group for people who are gong through a divorce- You don't have to explain everything- just go and share Only the feelings you choose, from losing this man you cared for. Maybe in time you will find someone that you can talk to. You are in an unusual situation, but I am sure there are other relationships like yours out there. Being gay use to be totally unacceptable. Now look at how much we have come to accept it. Not all of us, but many have. Hang in there. You might try getting some books to help you. Hang in there. I will keep you in my prayers. VJ

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