no place like home

I am 34 years old and had a complicated family life. I was never close to my father even though he was part of my life everyday. My mom was my best friend. We lost my dad in 2008 and the process rocked my family. Lines were drawn and I felt like an outsider. My mom became the main family member. I lived with her for a short time after dad passed to help her but felt constricted and withdrawn because i was ready to spread my wings and fly. I moved out and decided to leave the state. She became ill and moved in with an older sibling. I talked to her daily. It was part of my routine, to call her after work, when the kids did something funny, or just to talk about nothing. She was in and out of the hospital, i visited as often as possible. Recently she called with the news that rocked my world, her doctors could do no more and hospice was coming in. I broke down on the phone, this was my worst nightmare. Two days later my sister in law called and said she had a week. Plans were made, later that night another call she wasn't going to make it through the night and i wouldnt make it home in time. I was so angry!!!!! They knew that day she was bad but no heads up. They called everyone else but not me????? She was MY MOTHER also!!!!! I talked to her and told her I loved her and i tried to justify it that she didnt want me to see her that way but i was denied that choice by selfish family members. They made all arrangements before I arrived. Not one hey want do you think. I am the youngest but felt they took every part of the process from me. Now she is gone and i feel lost without her. I reach for the phone often. I have a memorial page for her and write daily to her ( a way to talk to her) but its not the same. I also have information from years ago from my parents that I want to scream from the rooftops but know it will be viewed as revenge. My father raised a daughter ( my so called half sister) i found out 13 years ago that there is question about her paternity and they asked that i not say anything until they both passed ( they didnt want to deal with the family drama. To say the relationship between her and i is volatile is an understatement. I just want peace, but feel i wont feel that until all the secrets and everything is out. I am angry they left this on me. I am angry my mom left, but also glad she isnt in pain. I am conflicted most days. I am just so confused and lost, i feel like i did as a young girl. I do not talk to my siblings as there is so much animosity between us. I often told my mom she was the link that held the family together and once she died, i would be a fallen link that was left broken on the ground.

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