No purpose

by Darlene

I lost my husband John on 10/9/2012. He was only 68. Way too early to die.He was leaving to go buy lotto tickets. I was up stairs and he yell from basement that he was leaving to go get lotto tickets and I yelled back ok. Those were the last words I said to him. I found him dead on the floor within 5minutes . I did CPR till the ambulance came but knew in my heart he was gone. I have cried everyday for him . We were married for 46 years. I have no purpose in life now. My daughters are grown adults with a busy life and we have one granddaughter that is 17 and is doing her thing. I am alone all day. Cannot leave house. Have anxiety attacks when I go out. I miss him so much. We always did things around the house together. There are times I hate this house and times I feel close to him. I have no family member to talk to because they have not gone through it yet, so they do not understand. My daughters are grieving for their father, so I grieve alone. I am waiting till I see him again, which I hope is soon. Do not want to live 15, 20 years alone like this.
I am very angry with gods for taking such a good Man. He was the best....... Never got angry or talked bad about anybody . I am so sad that I will never have that love again. He chose me, he loved me... I am changed now. Nothing. matters. I was a Italian woman that never let anyone push me around. Would fight for my family . Now my daughter told me I am so different. That person died with my husband, never to return.. I do not believe in therapy. No one knows my husband and I but my husband and I. I am so empty inside . This is my life now.....
I lost both my parents, but losing my husband is an unbearable journey . A journey I did not choose , but have no choice. I will see him again... Yesterday was memorial day. Had to visit my husband in a cemetery. How wrong is that. Thank you for letting me talk about my beloved husband ,lover and friend..

Comments for No purpose

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Jul 25, 2013
by: joanie

read that beautifully moving poem but I didn't find your email---mine is if you like. I am having a very bad bad time with the death of my husband. I knew it would be hard but a complicated component has set in---I also knew life wasn't fair but I didn't know it was this CRUEL. Joan

Jul 03, 2013
No purpose
by: AnonymousDarlene

Joanie, go to music and poetry on this website. I posted a poem that I think you would like. It is titled "When tomorrow starts without me" . I hope to hear from you soon. I posted my email address.

Jul 03, 2013
No purpose
by: Anonymous

Oh your words are just exactly how I feel. I am sitting at my computer crying and an email comes up saying someone commented on my page. I would LOVE to talk to you. I wake up crying and go to bed crying. My daughter just called me crying for her father on her way to work. It will be 9 months on the 9th and the pain is still very fresh, like it happened last week..I know I am not alone, that there are so many people feeling this pain, but I feel alone because besides my 2 daughters everyone else,{family and friends} have forgotten about John. Thank you for writing to me.

Jul 02, 2013
similar to mine no worse pain
by: joanie

thought I was one tough Sicilian until the same thing happened of my beloved young--only nine days from turning 64! husband. think im mad at the world? I am scary mad! you see all these undeserving jerks walking around and our good men get swept away from us. he was all I had in the world for thirty one years. I echo all your feelings--I am now driftwood. I have no refuge because we did everything together--I don't go out at all--too painful. I am having to pack up our house and move--too painful--we were each others world. he died before me--no one gets it. family? my dear parents had me late in life---friends? they're mostly insensitive shameful impersonators of human beings. today is 17 weeks and as I write I am in the hour of shadows--that is the hour he left this earth. I would much prefer death to this sort of existence. Please let me know if you would like I can give you email.

Jun 02, 2013
ups and downs
by: Anonymous

Sorry for your loss. You will find as you move through your grief there will be days where you seem protected by the numbness to an extent. Then there will be days where it is almost unbearable to wake up and face the reality that your alone and your spouse has departed and left you behind.
I keep in my mind that my partner has moved into a better place and we all go there at some stage. I used to torment myself with feeling so sorry for him, he was only 47. But he did say to me before he passed not to, that he would be out of pain and in a better place waiting for me. I believe this is true.
We're only in this life for a short time, although while travelling through our grief it seems forever. IT'S NOT.
I found writing letters to my partner helped. 19 months has passed and I re read my letters and now realise how far I have come. I still feel much sadness, feel lost and I cry from time to time.
I just keep reminding myself it doesn't last forever. This grief is something I obviously must experience before I too move on to be once again with my soul mate. I truly believe he is waiting.
Our bodies are just that, bodies. Our essence, our souls and love are energy, that never dies, it continues.

Jun 01, 2013
Take Care
by: Lawrence

There is nothing worse than can happen to you in this life than losing a beloved partner.
Life completely loses its meaning; you walk about in a daze throughout the day.
wondering if it is all worthwhile continuing and if you are like me the tears flow when you least expect them and that can be embarrassing enough.
It is my granddaughters tenth birthday and I tried to sing the “Happy Birthday” song to her on my own for the first time, in the past by beloved wife and I sang it together, but I failed miserably breaking into sobs half way through, I know she will understand because she is missing her Nana deeply.
Someone stopped me in the street today to commiserate and to my acute embarrassment I burst into tears.
The emptiness of my life now after being together for seventy years is a nightmare. I try to keep busy doing things alone now that we used to do as a couple but the joy and fun has gone out of my life and I feel I barely exist.
It has only been five months since I kissed my love goodbye, thanked her for giving me such a wonderful life and closed her eyes on her deathbed, I know it is very early days and the lovely people on this website tells me it will get easier, the very open wound will close but the scar will be there forever, I sincerely hope so because I can’t continue like this.
Strangely enough I thought I was moving forward I was writing my novel and playing my musical instruments, but for no reason I can think of I am in deep mourning again. I was told there would be good and bad days but when I woke up this morning in tears knew this would be a bad one.
I’m deeply sorry this contribution will be of little help to you but as I keep repeating “Grief is the price you pay for the happiness you had" so like me, remember the happy times and be thankful you had them, so few get to know true love.
Take care and look after yourself.

May 30, 2013
no purpose
by: silver

Dear Darlene.I know exactly how you feel.I know you are right when you say that others don't know how you feel because they haven't been there.I was there also.My mother & dad were married 64 yrs.She had many friends.She bowled up to the week my dad went into the hospital for the last time.She stayed by his side almost every minute for his last 2 weeks on this earth.He was 82 when he died.Momma died just shy of 7 months later.She was 81.Medically,of heart failure.I couldn't understand why she just sat in a chair most of the time and didn't go out and see her friends.THEN it happened to me 11 months later.My soul mate,my true love died May 29,2011.We had been married 33 yrs.He died 1 week after our anniversary.He has been gone 2 yrs yesterday.Like you I now understand that no death,even your loving parents is as hard as losing your forever love.I crave his presence.I miss him so much.He used to tell me(his mother died one yr before we got married),"It never goes away but it does get better."It is better.I don't cry everyday.I don't cry hard like I used to.I don't get depressed every day.It's still hard at times though.When you send off your other half you die inside for awhile.I hardly got dressed or bathed the first couple of weeks.I have found that talking about him helps.I also talk to him at times.I have reminders of him all over the house.His picture is on the desktop of my computer.Please believe me those reminders do help.Like you,my children are grown.I live in Alabama.One lives in Florida and one in Maryland.One is gone on his job most of the time.My youngest is the only one close by.My siblings live in Texas and I don't hear from them much.Since I retired,my "friends" at work have no contact with me.At first it was so hard to go out.I am finally going out once a week if only to window shop.Like you I'm not looking forward to spending 15-20 yrs without him.However,I am deeply religious and I believe that what GOD joined in love HE doesn't tear apart.I believe that one day I will be with him again.I have to believe this or it would be much harder.This site and the poetry here(including the poetry I write)has helped me more than anything.Knowing that others know exactly how I feel helps.GOD send you strength and peace.I'll keep you in my prayers.

May 30, 2013
No purpose
by: Darlene

Thank you so much for the kind and comforting words, but I feel like there is no light at the end of my tunnel. I am just existing ,in limbo. It would have been nice to hear such comforting words from my family, his and mine, but I guess it is my husband that died . My grief, my journey. As you can see I am angry. I do not understand why god took such a good, kind, wonderful father and husband when there is so many evil people in this world. My 2 daughters called their father their hero. Please read my poem on this website..It is titled...When Tomorrow Starts Without me. I read it everyday and cry..Very beautiful, but make sure you have a tissue...I am so glad I found this website. Did not realize there are so many people on a journey like mine. I do not feel so alone now. I read the entries every night and all the stories are all so sad.. When we married our husbands we became one. Now half of me is gone forever..I am hoping I can get through this ,but right now it looks very doubtful.

May 30, 2013
No purpose
by: June

Darlene, I truly know how you feel, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my dear husband 14 months ago,he was 67. I really don't know how I got through this past year. I miss Mike so much.

This is such a great website, I still come here once a week or so. The people who write in are such a help with their wise comments.

I didn't want this life, but I guess that's the way the cards are dealt.

I keep busy with my dog, cat, friends, family, garden....but even with all this I sometimes feel no real purpose. I miss talking with Mike.

I have no words of wisdom, just hope to be together again with Mike.

Thinking of you going through this journey...and Life is a Journey.

May 29, 2013
You have a purpose
by: Sharon

My husband Gary passed away on 6/29/11. He had a heart attack like your John. The 2nd anniversary of Gary's death has brought me back to this website. I find myself reliving that horrible day and all the pain associated with it. I've read books on coping, found this site, gone to Hospice for grief support and kept busy to the point of exhaustion. Someone told me the pain gets softer. It does, but like everyone says, it is definitely a roller coaster of emotions. I cry every day because I miss my love so much. From the picture you posted, you and John look about the same age as me and Gary. He came from Indiana too- we could have been friends. We do have purpose- that's why we are alive, and someday we will find out what that purpose is. Time will tell. My prayers are with you.

May 29, 2013
No Purpose
by: Doreen U.K.

Darlene I am sorry for your loss of your husband John to a sudden death. I was married 44yrs. and lot my husband 13 months ago of a deadly cancer. He was 65yrs. and died 16 days before his 66th birthday. A loss that has crushed me to the core. I know how you feel. I hated this house also and wanted to move. The house my husband and I built up over 30yrs. He as a carpenter and I was his wife and labourer. I was by his side all the time he worked. But he also worked all over the world and our country and so I didn't have the quality of these 44yrs. This was to come when he retired. But he died. A long 3yr. battle with cancer where I cared for him. I just don't want to live many years like this without the only man I ever loved. He was my first love and my last. I have purchased a grave plot for 2. I will be buried in a chamber on top of his casket. 2 hearts that were beating as 1. Now mine beating alone.
I have 3 Adult children leading their own lives. So much like yourself I sit alone all day. I understand how you might not want therapy. But just a grief counsellor may be all you need if you find yourself struggling with your grief and unable to move forward. It is hard when one is a private person and you share your thoughts and feelings with someone else. But counsellors have skills to help the bereaved move forward in a way that lessens the pain. Rather like having someone to share your pain and cry with you. I was able to see a counsellor when I thought of them as real people like us who go through loss and tragedy. You just have to get the right person and you will benefit. If this is not for you then talk here often or to someone who will listen to you and let you be yourself and express your feelings and pain. This is how we heal from our loss. It is a very cruel future for us widows/widowers without our mate. But in time we all need to put something in our life to make it worth living. None of us knows when our time to leave this world will come. So we might as well enjoy the journey. Just start each day with doing little things for yourself. Give yourself some pampering. I often escape into TV. or magazines. or anything that is going to help me. But we all know how lonely those days ahead are going to be for us. Lonliness is something I always dreaded. Now it has come to me. I look forward to hearing from you again. Best wishes.

May 29, 2013
by: Anonymous

Darlene, I am so sorry for your loss. I understand everything that you are going through. The love of my life, my husband, my other half, died beside me in the middle of the night on June 21, 2011, from a heart attack. I went to bed a wife, who adored her husband, and I woke up at a widow. I spent the first year after my husband died in shock and denial. This second year has been, if possible, worse as I try to accept this "new normal." Our friends have disappeared as I am no longer a couple. I'm living day to day and, yes, crying at memories that pop into my head at the most unexpected moments. Weekends are hard to get through and holiday weekends are, if possible, worse. This past Memorial weekend was the worst so far. All I have are memories of the man I adored and who loved me. We met on a Friday night and were together from that day until the night he died; 15 years later. Those of us on this website know how you are feeling; your feelings and emotions are very normal. Those of us who are grieving the loss of a beloved spouse understand each others pain.

May 29, 2013
Your Purpose
by: Judith in California

Darlene, All widows who have gone before you are orry foryour loss. We know what it is like. You are only 7 months into your grief and it's still early in the horrible roller coaster ride of emotions.
It's been 2 years and 9 months for me. I've beemn where your are. I still grief for him but I know until i see him again I must live for my Son who still needs me and live so my sisters will have me here for them when they loose their husbands.
WE have to go on . You do have a purpose Darlene. You have Daughters and a granddaughter who need you to teach them to be strong independant women. You are their role model and they are watching you even tho it's seems as if they aren't. Teach them that death is a part of life that we all must deal with and work through. They will cry and grief for you when you go. It's the cycle of life unfortunately.
Darlene, having someone to talk to is important. I see a therapist every month now to just check in and talk of my feelings. It does help me to listen to my words and see how far I've come. afterwqqrds. Yes, I still love and miss my husband and yes, I still cry for him but not as much as I used to and I know that the void will not be filled but I do try to do something new or different once a week and I go to places we used to go and if I cry so be it. I dont care what others think if they see me in tears. They will go through it one day and only then will they understand.

I pray for you to get to the peaceful and acceptance side of this horrible grief. Journal every night of your feelings and come here often to tell us of your progress. God bless you.

May 29, 2013
your best friend
by: Anonymous

Dear broken heart,
It is so hard to let go but it is so important to remember the good times you both had together.
Do not grieve for your husband, but be so happy you had such a wonderful man. He sounds like a wonderful person. please don't give up, your family needs you. I read your story and truly feel for you,in time your heart will heal, but for now just take care of yourself. I'm sure your husband would want you to be happy.
I share and understand your loss too.

May 28, 2013
to "No Purpose"
by: Anonymous

In reading your post, I realize that we share similarities in the loss of our dear husbands. My husband died suddenly one month after your husband. He was doing fine with no history of heart problems and I last saw him and said good-bye to him at 10:30 a.m.--he died 6 hours later--with no warning--he died suddenly. I know your grief, your sorrow, your emptiness and pain. You are so right that no one knows how this feels until they have experienced it for themselves. Before I became a widow, I had no idea how others felt and sadly--now I do know, just as you do. I am only 6 months into this sad journey and I cannot give anyone advice but I find it is helpful to keep as busy as possible. Even if it is doing small chores in your house at first---venture on to bigger chores outdoors if possible. While working we never forget our husbands and we feel them with us all the time but to work and keep busy is good for me. Most of all, Keep your faith and trust in God---He is the only source of Help to get through this bitter journey. I am so sorry for your sorrow

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