NO reason to be here

by Yvonne
(California)

I am sitting here this morning trying to figure out something to do.It is raining and I had planned to work in the yard If I am not working at something all I do is cry. It has almost been 11 months. But if I can't keep myself busy all I do is cry. I am sitting next to the couch where Roger died. He just fell asleep and took his last breath. I see that moment over and over when I sit here. I am hardly able to stand it. At the very last moment he smiled the most beautiful smile. Everyone says he saw his mother coming for him. Bull shit he smiled because he knew his boys and I (the people he loved most in the world) were there. It was the hardest moment in my life. The man I loved just left and he took me with him. I always had a purpose -I was Roger's wife. Now I have no purpose and I miss him so much I can't stand it. I will keep working, I have the cleanest house, the most beautiful garden (I dare you to find a weed) but I have no purpose I just travel this road until I can be with the man I love again - I wish it were today!

Comments for NO reason to be here

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Jun 30, 2011
for Jules
by: Mari

Jules I remember that beautiful song. What a love you must have shared. I commend you for staying busy because it sure helps. The volunteer work is helping others and says what a wonderful person you are.
My husband passed away a little more then 17 months ago and I have done alot of the same things you have. I have been redoing the whole house. My husband always loved my decorating and painting and honestly sometimes I feel his presence. I thank God for our years together and that he is no longer suffering.
The thing is that I am a different person. I used to always ask his advice and do as he wished and I actually had to learn to just be on my own. I am better, much better but I feel an ache in my heart for missing him. I am gaining strength and taking care of everything. My grandaughter had a vivid dream where she ''talked to Grandpa.'' She says she saw him clearly but he looked healthy and younger. God has never left me through all of this. I heard a song called ''Tears in heaven'' and it made me cry. My home is no longer lonely as I have numerous grandchildren and the great grandaughter. The great is named Aubree and 5 months old and I cannot be sad around that little girl who knows me already. God has a way of comforting us. Keep up the good work. We are here for you.

Jun 15, 2011
Me too
by: Linda

Yvonne, I know exactly how you feel. Everyday I wake up and say "why" because there is absolutely no purpose to my life anymore. I know there are people that think they need me, but they don't. I need to have a purpose again, and that purpose was my husband. It has been 5 months for me.

Jun 12, 2011
A Reason
by: Judith in California

Yvonne, you have said there is no reason for you to be here. Well, God has determined there is or you would have gone too. It's hard for every one of us to move on to a life without "US" to a life as one.
I'm at that 9 month mark and just yesterday I was reliving that day my husband died in front of me of pneumonia, choking on his phlegm all I could do was look at him with compassion and caring and tell him to "stick with me I love you" I hope he heard it then I lay beside him for 3 hours waiting for the Neptune Society to come get him. I held him the whole time telling him I love him and that I kept my word till death do we part. I cry at the slightest thing that reminds me of US . I make sure I get out of the house and see old work friends. I suggest you get a pet to put your love into , maybe a couple of kittens to care for. I have 4 cats and if it weren't for them it would be crazy time.

We are all making it one day at a time. I hope you are seeing a therapist as well. AND be sure to keep a journal and write to him every day about your day and how you feel. That helps a lot.

We all talk about that one year mark and I think the reason it's hard is because it means we are moving on and away from our lives as we knew it and further away from our loves. But, they will always remain in our hearts and minds.

Please take care of your mind and body as you know he would want you to.

Jun 12, 2011
no reason to be here
by: Mari

Yvonne, I am truly sorry for your loss. It occurred to me that maybe your husband smiled because he was going to be with the Lord.You are going through the grieving process and it just takes time and cannot be avoided.
Just remember that you are not alone in this and there are many caring people on this board.A day at a time is what it takes. I know it seems like there is no reason for you to be here but there is a reason for every life.
I too felt the same way when my husband passed away. It has been a yr and a half and I am doing better. The worst part is missing him.I am going on with my life.
I work 2 jobs and am redecorating the place with the help of a grandaughter. I can laugh again when she is here with me and I have someone to help me spend any extra money I may have.
My husband was the light of my life. He would have been 72 on June 22nt. Sometimes there is a feeling of unreality about my loss.The grandchildren miss him still and he would have adored the new grandbaby and great grandbaby he never got to see.
My thing ,Yvonne, is staying busy. Retirement is not going to happen anytime soon.
Each day is a new day and God is always with you. Give yourself time. And remember we are ready to listen. Take care of yourself.

Jun 12, 2011
no reason to be here
by: jules

Yvonne - I feel that I would like to come and give you a hug right now. I know how hard it is -I am now almost 19 months in, and though most times I am doing okay, there are times when something just starts the tears - today it was raining here as well, so I decided to go up to my local lawn bowling club and help out at a country and western music day. Well, I was working away, clearing tables after lunch, listening and singing along with the music, when someone got up and start to sing "can I have this dance for the rest of my life" (do you know the song?) - it is a lovely waltz, often played at weddings. Well singing away to myself, the meaning of the words suddenly hit me, and the tears were in my eyes - I had to go outside and get myself in order again.
I keep myself busy, I do lots of volunteer work, meeting lots of people, but the nights are lonely, the early mornings are lonely,lots of my life is lonely - even when surrounded by family and friends.
But, one thing I do know, is that John would not want me moping, he would want me to be strong, and make a new life for myself, which is what I am doing - we were a long way from home, travelling, when he died, and I have stayed in this area, one reason is my daughter and four grandsons are here, but it was easier, I think, for me to make a new life for myself. If I had gone home (where I still have a house), I would have tried to slot back into my old life - and I can't do that, I am not that same person anymore, my life has changed forever.
I will miss John every day for the rest of my life, I will never forget the past, but I don't want to live in it.
Remember every day - one step, one breath
take care
jules

Jun 12, 2011
There is a Reason ~
by: Patricia From Las Vegas

I'm also a 11 months and counting. In fact with today being 6/11 I have 10 days until the 1 year mark. I came home from work and found my Billy gone. I'm forever watching the reruns of that day and those that followed. When does it stop? Who knows, who can tell. Baby steps someone once told me. When you first discovered each other you were strangers. It took time, moments and years to develop your feelings, love and then soul mates. Life's journey doesn't stop on a dime. Now its time, moments and will soon be years of a different life. It's not a life we anticipated, forever was what I was looking for. So remember back to that time, those moments and the years you were together and feel the happiness and love you shared. Soon we will discover better days. We just need to look for them. I'm could be having my good moments and the I'm a raving lunatic at times. It a hard journey we travel with pitfalls, cliffs to fall off and then into despair where it would be easier to give up. But you won't like I won't ~ there's a little spark inside each of us that make us unique. That why were were bless with those same loved one that are now gone.
So when I can ~ I go, do what I need to do and when I can't and I find myself crying then that's OK, that's what I needed to do at that time and so will you.
I come to this site a lot. In fact I have at least 54 publishing. A lot in the beginning, then it tapered off and now more as I reach the 1 year mark more. I've sad things I can't believe I said, things I could never say to family and friends because I don't have to worry. Everybody here understands ~ nothing to worry about, so talk and cry were all here for you....
Always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

Jun 11, 2011
thank you
by: Anonymous

i thought you were writing about me , thanks for writing that now i know other feel the same

Jun 11, 2011
Reasons
by: Judy

Yvonne,

I understand what you're saying. I have no reason to be here either. My Bear has been gone 18 months and although I am better and "moving forward" I still have no idea what my purpose is, where I'm going or what I'm supposed to be doing from now on. All my devout friends say God will open doors for me just to be patient for His time. I wish He'd get on with it. I dislike this stale and empty life.

You are coming up on the one year mark and that is a brutal time. Everything seems worse. It will get better in a while, somewhat. Meanwhile we'll wait for God to work in His time.

JM

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