No Replacement

by Jessica Averhoff
(Saint Petersburg, fl)

My mother died May 20th, 2012 at 7:45 am. I was holding her hands in the ICU when she flatlined. I feel like someone ripped my heart out and stomped it into the ground. I wish she would have been an evil horrible mother and maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad. I wish i could go back in time and spend every second i could with her.Just one more day. I'd give anything to hear her voice one more time. I cry everytinme i want to call her or go see her. I don't know what to do. I've never felt like this. I almost wish sometimes that i didn't have a daughter so she would never feel like i do. Her obitiuary didn't do her justice. 56 years of her giving life reduced to paragraphs. I love her so much. I need to create a word for what we had becaus love is not enough to describe it. There is no replacing her.

Comments for No Replacement

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Jun 10, 2012
life changes
by: Anonymous

You sound like me I feel much like you do. My mom died on April 6 so unexpected, she went in for an infection in her foot and died from an allergic reaction from an antibiotic that was killing her. They didn't know and before they realized it was too too late.Died in 2 days. Last conversation we had was on the phone about 3 days prior, she said she wasn't feeling good, but I just thought it was her diabetes. She was my best friend. She loved my daughter with everything. She was 57 and had so much life ahead of her. My heart feels broken, but unmendable. Everyday I wake up I don't want to cause I don't want to face the reality that she isn't there. When I think about calling her or visiting it hits me like a shotgun in my chest that i can no longer reach out to her. I only see her in my dreams but it is not enough. Life now is dark and scary and everyday that goes on without her gets harder and harder, heavier and heavier. A weight on my back to carry. My husband and alot of people will expect me to get better after each day but that isn't always how it goes. You have days that are easier and days that are horrifying nightmares. I hope one day i'll get used to it. I miss her face, her smile, her voice. Her shuffling feet in the hallway, her music. The jingling of her keys. Her laughter. I can never kiss her or embrace her. Knowing that I can never call her's not fair. I guess we just have to take it one day at a time and know that our mothers are in a better place and are resting. Chilling and relaxing without pain and watching us from above...

Jun 01, 2012
you sound like me
by: Anonymous

My mother died a year ago. She died 13 days after being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. My father died nine years ago of throat cancer. I was an only child. My parents lived for me and gave me more than words can describe. They just loved me so unconditionally and were so proud of me. Now i feel like a 46 year old orphan. I have told people that if someone had ripped my heart out it would hurt less than the pain i have. I have often told people i wish i had had crappy unloving parents so i would not miss them so much. My poor mother who did not want to know anything about her illness, I helf her hand and never left her bedside for the thirteen days she was in the hospital.We went in for a simple D and C and she never left the hospital. We thought we would be home a few hours after the procedure. That was not to be. When they told me she would have to stay in the hospital i promised her i would not leave her and i kept that promise. But i feel such guilt i wish i had had the courage to bring her home and let her die at home not in a hospital. All my years of taking care of her after my father died and i let her die in a hospital she was so germaphobic i know she would have wanted to come home but she never brought it up as she never wanted to be a burden. I am just so heart broken i would give anything to have her back even for a day i miss her so much. Words do not exist to describe this pain. my family tells me i need to move on. So easy to say to someone. Her death was not peaceful i am haunted by the death rattle. I would have traded places with her in an instant. The vision of her death is engraved in my mind and it replays over and over. I fake it at work all think i am doing so well if they only knew the living hell that this is for me. will it ever get better i don't think so

Jun 01, 2012
so sorry
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry for your loss, the feeling's you described are the same my son described to me when he lost his 3 year old son in Jan. 2012. He said it felt like someone tore his heart out and stomped it into the ground. I have my own feeling's on losing my grandson, there are days I want to die and go be with him.
I know being a mom that your mom would not want you sad and crying she would want you to remember the good times and carry on and make her proud.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs and much love, ann

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