Noel

by Vivian
(St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada)

My boyfriend Noel died 2 weeks and 3 days ago. I was with him for almost 6 years. We lived together for 2 of these years, but were not living together over the past year and a half due to a few issues 1) his drinking 2) my guilt (I left my husband for him) 3) his control and insecurity. We stayed together though, never really apart for more than a few weeks. We were in love, we both knew it, felt it, never questioned it...I am in love with him now. It was just timing with us...we would have eventually worked through all our issues, I know this, he knew it -we were getting somewhere with a lot of it. I think we had both come to terms with the fact that we loved each other so much, and there was nothing that would change that. He had begun to talk about going to the doctor about his drinking and getting some help. We began talking about things like why I felt guilty and why he felt insecure, we had agreed to not fight about these things any more, but talk about them all the time. It was just a time thing. We actually spoke about this the night before he died. He said that night that he didn't care if it took until we were 60, all he knew was that he loved me. I am 38 as was he.

He died suddenly...apparantly fell down the stairs of his apartment building. He was sick with bronchitis, on antibiotics and after I spoke with him at 10:13pm that Monday night, he went out (after I asked him not to). He went to the bar where he always goes 4 or 5 times a week and came home around 2:30a.m. He was found lying at the bottom of the stairs around 7a.m. the next morning with his head partially in the wall. It will be 3 or 4 months before I know what actually killed him - there is so much speculation e.g., he just fell, it was the combination of being sick, medicine and alcohol. There is also a feeling of uncertainty among his closest friends. I hear his voice in my own head saying "what are you nuts...you think I fell?". In some way I need to know what killed him and on the other hand I don't care..he's gone. What does it matter. He's gone.

I worked with him on the same floor and in the same branch at work, so I went back to work the week after the funeral. I didn't know what else to do. I wanted to be around people who knew him for some reason. I don't really understand that. How can I work, how can I do everything the same as if he hadn't died. This scares me a lot. I feel like I'm OK, but I don't know. We had such a complicated relationship with many fights and many breakups...but they never lasted. Everything we've been through resulted in the most intense, passionate, unconditional love that I have ever known. I trusted him with my life, with the lives of my kids. I can't believe that he's gone. I seem to be functioning as I always do. I have 2 children (9 and 11) from my marriage - no children with Noel. I am caring for them, going to work, going to the gym ( a lot). I hide it from everyone..what I'm feeling. I'm on auto pilot or something. I am a very strong willed person, and very well adjusted...I've had a difficult life and this has made me who I am, but I'm not this strong. I don't want to talk to anyone. No one will understand anyway, so what's the point. I just sit at night when the kids are asleep, I chain smoke, cry a bit sometimes, and stare at his picture. I hear that there are stages of grief..well, I've been through almost all of them I think in 2 weeks. Crying, anger, guilt, blame, extreme sadness, laughter, happiness, joy, confusion, energy, no energy. I don't know what else to do. He was the only person who ever understood me..really understood everything about me, bad and good. And he loved me...everything. He was unselfish and could take away any pain that I had with one look or one touch. What am I going to do now? The person I need the most to get me through this is gone.