by Cherri
(Columbus, GA, USA)

I question each day why am I living. I have nothing to live for. My Momma was my everything and now that she is gone I have no one. I am all alone. I lost my Momma 9 October 2011 and I still cry everyday. I miss everything about her; her smile, her laughter, her beautiful face, her presence, just everything. I have no family, no friends. The cemetary owner told me on yesterday it was time for me to be at peace because it has been over a year. I told him I don't know how to be a peace. He suggested I see a psychistrist I told him I do with no help. He then suggested finding an online grieving site. So here I am. My Momma had dementia but I am being accused of killing her. I took care of my Momma for about 3 years and to lose her and be accused of killing her is the worst in my 45 years on this earth. I hate my life. Yes I am depressed, lonely, lost, hurt, you name it, I'm it. I need help desperately. I don't know what to do with my life. I have no earthly idea how to be at peace, move on, or nothing. I miss her more now than a few days, weeks, or months ago. What do I do to keep going and get out of this state I'm in? I am at the lowest point in my life and going forward is the most difficult. Please help somebody...I always prayed and asked God to not take my Momma before I get married and have my own family. I am 45, not married, and no children. Everybody against me. What a life???

Comments for NoPeace

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Nov 27, 2012
No peace... I hear you too well
by: Anonymous

Here I am crying after so long of holding it in. Reading your post is a reflection of my own. 36 not married no kids and alone. I don't regret taking care of my mom, i bet neither do you. But I understand what you are feeling.. that you feel ALONE, don't know where to start, have no guidance or purpose. It's OK to feel this. BUT.. you need to be hard on yourself. Slap your cheek, take a cold shower and smell that coffee! You are alive. You are ALIVE. even at 46 and me 36.. we need to start living NOW. I don't know about your situation, but I am pretty poor and that don't help me at all. If I had some stability, I would get me a pet, a car, and just start living. See things, go places. I assure you, this beats staying home moping around and going to the cemetery because your mom is everywhere. The cemetery hurts too much. My mom is buried overseas I can't even go see her, but I would go maybe 1 time a month or so, then on special occasions or when I felt like it. Because YOU want to get away from the pain. I know I do. I cannot focus or get through one day if the pain is there always. I suppress it.
I hope, you can see past all this. And know that there is a reason for all this crap that happens to us. Do the opposite of what you feel up to, and that will get you to get going on not be so depressed. As soon as depression takes over, well, it's much more difficult to help yourself.
Take care of yourself, and start with a small makeover. Yes a makeover. One small thing will lead to another, and you will begin to feel ok again. Never forget, but be ok.

Nov 15, 2012
It's OK!
by: Devon R.

When I lost my mom at either age 18 or 19 in the year of September 10th, 1999, it was shocking, and I think that we have to support each other dealing with death. There's no stopping it. I mean, there's no turning back with it because once it happens, there's absolutely NOTHING you can do. For the first year of dealing with Mom being gone, I had to get used to not seeing her walking around the house, I had to try and go to school on my own without my dad helping me out because she was always the one filling out grants and loans so I could actually obtain an education and actually KNOWING AND ADKNOWLEDING the hardest truth of all which is this: Mom is DEAD, and she will be as long as I go to bed and wake up in the morning, ready for the next day. I mean, on the day of her sudden death, she was up and awake, getting ready for her day when I find out 24 hrs later that she was dead?!?!? Dad forced me to view her lifeless body after the people from the memorial allowed us to look at her. Once they prepared her body, and everything, we had the burial, but for the people I told about Mom could just sympathize, but they couldn't do anything about it at all. I am 33 now, with God's Blessings and I can only hope and pray that I will have my 34th birthday by next year in May--Life-sparingly, also by the grace of God. Anyway, she used to do EVERYTHING for me and I try my hardest to "pretend" that my life hasn't changed even though it did. I really loved her and I wasn't expecting her to die until I was told she was. It's REALLY hard to let go and because of my actions after I found out which was heading to the hospital (psych ward) for a few years since I wasn't acting properly due to wanting to see her again and I wasn't accepting the fact that she was... DEAD, BURIED, and GONE. I become jealous of people who get the chance to talk to their parents and even those who choose to talk any old way to them instead of treating them respect and love because they will never know when something like loss will happen to them and their families that would change FOREVER. And, you're right... there IS NoPeace because you have to FEEL the grief of the person you've lost and to me, there were swirls and swirls of thoughts of her in my mind and I was thinking that if she would have lived a long time, I would have to take really good care of her by taking her to a senior home, but she was VERY young at the time of her passing. I felt guilty whenever I would laugh because I knew in the back on my head, mom wasn't with me. Since I reside in California now, and I am getting older, I have to make my own decisions like she had told me when she was alive and I am glad that she taught me that before she left. I don't know what I would do if she didn't tell me.

Nov 11, 2012
a legacy of love
by: Ron (Veronica)

Sherri, it's possible that you do not wish to return to this site but I hope you do.

I've read your post and I am truly saddened by the torment which you are suffering. In fact, I am so affected that I looked up the meaning of your name as I was certain it was something endearing. You probably know your name is of French origin and you probably know the meaning, but here's a reminder: Cherié, a French word which has many related meanings: '"Dear one / Darling / Sweetness (honey, sugar) / Beloved". Do you know who chose your name for you? I suspect it was your Mum and I suspect it was chosen with love, in the belief that you would be her very own, special person.

You mentioned that you have no family or friends, which indicates that your Mum had no-one either, except you. You took care of her for three years, while she suffered from dementia. Whatever the circumstances of your Mum's death, you were the one person in the world whom she cherished, and you were with her at the end. Perhaps there was an accident or an incident for which you feel responsible... Whatever it was, that particular situation was your Mum's release from the inevitable humiliation and despair (which she would have suffered eventually) into a place of peace and serenity. I hope you can let go of the blame you feel. Your mother would not wish the burden of her passing to destroy you - she brought you into this world and she nurtured you so that you would thrive and find happiness in the path which is chosen for you, just as you brought comfort and happiness to the path which was chosen for her. Try to remember that the name which your Mum gave you is a legacy of love and hope, and try to get well xxx.

Nov 09, 2012
Dealing With Life
by: Anonymous

I don't think so at all. You see, I lost the love of my life in a sudden, tragic accident this year. I have 3 young children to raise. I would love nothing more than to visit a grave everyday, to isolate myself in the house, to check-out. Unfortunately, that is NOT life. It has taken some "tough love" from others for me to pull myself out of that pit of despair. I'm pretty sure if her mom was still here, she would agree . . . but since she's not, she needs others who will be truthful for her own good.

Nov 08, 2012
You Don't want help by Anonymous
by: Doreen UK

Dear Anonymous, I think you are being very HARSH in your reply to Cherri. She is not only grieving she is finding it very hard to find Peace now and you should have written with some compassion. Don't ever use the term "Pity Party" to someone who is hurting and grieving a LOSS. As if anyone doesn't want to find Peace and move on. You are very CRUEL.
Cherri is struggling a lot and needs someone to be gentle with her.
It never ceases to amaze me how often the term "Pity Party" and "Feeling sorry for oneself" is used when someone is grieving. This term should not be used at all on this site. If anyone finds it difficult to say something good then they should say nothing. The title of your post is "You don't want help". There is a time and place in some posting to be firm and expressive but I think it is very out of order here.

Nov 08, 2012
Find strength and peace
by: Ammalu

Dear Cherri,

Every one goes when their time is up. You should pat yourself that you took care of your Mom. Ignore other people who are accusing you. Be strong and always try your best to be what your Mom wanted you to be. Pray a lot, God will help you find peace. I lost my Mom on August 20th 2012. The way I found peace and strength has been by praying a lot. Take care.

Nov 07, 2012
You Don't Want Help
by: Anonymous

What are you getting out of your pity party? Is it helping you avoid "living"? I recently recognized that my pity party over my loss is helping me keep the relationship alive. I don't have to let go and learn to be on my own. Keeping ourselves isolated and in a pit of despair is exactly what the enemy wants . . . I will not let him win!

Nov 07, 2012
please listen
by: Anonymous

Sherri, you are not alone. I am also unmarried no siblings and my parents are both gone. I am a 47 year old orphan. My mother died April 7, 2011. I am totally lost without her I asked God to take me when he took her, not even this he would do for me. I watched my mother suffer the pains of health during the last 13 days of her life. I wanted to take the pain from her and give it to myself. My mother was my everything and I was her everything. I think I am being punished by God for something that I may have done wrong even though i always tried to be a good person. I had been my mothers care taker since my father died ten years ago.I would have continued to do this for ever. I did it with total love and dedication. Now I come home to an empty house nobody waiting for me or caring about my days events. I now suffer from severe depression and anxiety and am on high doses of medication. Please listen to me and go see your doctor you can't do this on your own. I go to the cemetary twice a day and hide this from everyone. I still wear traditional mourning clothing (black) after a year and a half (except at work). This is a horrible journey I hate it. You are not alone, my extended family does not understand my grieving and think I need to get over it so I tell everyone I am fine but it is a total lie. I suffer from such guilt that it is probably going to kill me. I wished i could have done more to safe her from cancer. Please get help i go to the doctor and take what they give me otherwise i could not even manage with the basic of what i have to do each day.

Nov 07, 2012
No Peace
by: Doreen U.K.

Cherri my second post to you is to say that when facing a loss I have found that there are more people against us at this time. I don't know why this should happen but it does. Almost with precision as some law of the Universe. You are not alone here. You are not an isolated case.
If someone is blaming you for killing your mother, when you know you took care of her, don't listen to these people. Leave them to God to deal with. People can be the most cruel when everyone is grieving.
I have been through the worst pain in my life with people making up lies about me and making such trouble for me that I had more enemies than friends. But I left it all with God to deal with and I just kept on living the best life I could. I had a strong Faith and disposition to let everything just roll off me. God is our defender. There have been times when I got so low I would set out to defend myself and prove myself to people. I soon learned this was a mistake. Just keep on doing your best, and leave God to fight your battles that you can't fight. I know you are in a very painfull place right now. You are not alone. I am in this with you and so is everyone on this site.
I am glad the man at the cemetary told you about the grief site. But he was wrong about you moving on after one year. You are stuck in grief which is why you can't move on. Go see a counsellor. I have done this years ago. I KNOW IT WORKS.
Best wishes Doreen

Nov 07, 2012
You Are Not Alone.....
by: S.

Dear Cheri,

My heart goes out to you. But I want you to are NOT ALONE. In this big, wide world, there are so many people who can understand how you feel, or share your feelings.
I am 44, and am blessed with a beautiful Mom who is my best friend. I am not married, no kids, and would love to have both, but that has not happened...YET. I do sometimes fear what it would be like to not have her around. I cannot even imagine it, or let myself imagine it.....
But do remember, we don't know what life holds. Tomorrow, you could meet a man at the cemetary who becomes the LOVE of your LIFE. I may walk down the isle with the love of my life next year. That is the pain and the beauty of life.....we never know what will happen. And life rejuvinates itself. And God is listening.

Let yourself feel bad, feel the pain. That is the only way to work through it. There will come a time when you will remember your beautiful Momma's smile, and it will give you comfort.

And perhaps you could read a book called "When Things Fall Apart." I've found it helps to refocus things.

Be well Cheri....and are not alone. We are all out here for you.


Nov 07, 2012
No Peace
by: Doreen U.K.

Cherri you are not going through anything different from what I am suffering and others on this website. We know how you feel and everything you are expressing is PURE GRIEF. It is the worst feeling ever to be in such Pain. If you are seeing a psychiatrist and he is not helping you, then he must not be the right one for you. You should be feeling you are improving somewhat with professional help. Keep trying different Counsellors till you get one who is working for you. Try a grief counsellor. Psychiatrists work differently to counsellors. I have done both. I know the difference. Psychiatrists put you on drugs and have a different approach. DON'T GIVE UP!!! I lost my husband to cancer 6 months ago and my life is HELL. I am so very unhappy still. I asked God to Heal my husband and my husband died. I feel let down. Our Grief is so full on it makes us feel depressed. Once you start counselling and stick with it, you will feel better. You will move forward. You are stuck in GRIEF which is why you can't move on and feel the way you do. This is the only way out which is going to help you. You can also get acquainted with God. He is our Comforter, and He is the only one who can lift us out of this depression and help us through our GRIEF. You say you have no friends. This doesn't help if you don't have anyone to support you. This will make you feel more ALONE. Once you are on the road to feeling better you will attract people towards you. Somehow people seem to move away when someone is in so much pain. Don't let anyone tell you it is about time you moved on. THIS IS NOT TRUE. perhaps these people are just fed up of seeing you suffer so they will utter the first thing they know thinking it is helping you, but is doing the opposite. Peace is what we all need and aspire to have in our life but seems to take time to find. Don't ever lose HOPE this is all we have. Take one day at a time and you will find one day you will start to improve with a counsellors help. I hope to hear from you again to say that you are improving and in a happier place with Grief, and you can see light at the end of your tunnell.

Nov 07, 2012
by: Roxy

Dear Cherry,
I share with you your loss.When I read your story I found myelf in your comments.My mother passed away 3 years ago on 1st July 2009 and my pain is bigger each day.I also cry every day and i sleep with my mother in my thoughts and i wake up thinking that it was only a bad dream.
I am also alone I have no family ,brother or sister.My mother was all for me ,the most beautiful and warm person. For me the usual phases for depression did not work anymore ,so I feel like it was yesterday. What it is important on this forum is that by shareing our loss with other persons ,we feel much closer even we are from different countries,continents or places.
All my best regards

Nov 07, 2012
No Peace
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Coming to this site was a step in the right direction. My husband died 16 months ago. My parents are both gone also. My mom died 36 years ago, when I was 29, and my dad died almost 7 years ago. I am fortunate we had 5 children and they are all adults now and have families of their own, yet they are always here for me as is my husbands family.
A friend introduced me to this site aftery husbands death. I also joined a grief support group through my church. We need to be with others who really understand our loss. I also read alot of books on death and grieving. Go to the library or check on line. I read everything I could get my hands on for the first 6 months. I came on this site everyday. I still do. I read others posts. I don't always submit a comment, but I sure can relate to every post I read.
Losing our mother is like losing a best friend; that's how I felt. I still talk to her, tell her things. I wish she was still pjysically by my side, but I keep her tucked safely in my heart and I cherish the memories.
Poeple may blame you for your mothers death, but that is PURE IGNORANCE ON THEIR PART, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER DEATH. SHAME ON THEM!
Talk to anyone who will listen. If money is an issue, there are places you can go for help. Talk to your doctor.
I will keep you in my prayers. We are never alone, our loving God is always with us, even though we may forget that.

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