Not a close relationship

by Sarah

My mom an I had our differences, such big differences that I just had to go. She wasnt the kind of mother that gave her life for her kids, she was selfish and liked to drink, we were so poor and neglected. Always made me wonder why she would have so many kids, we were never first in her life. So I kept my distance, it just hurt to be close. I became a mother as a teenager, made my daughter the center of my world. Spent time with her and made sure she knew that she was the most important person in my life, I did the exact opposite that my mother did-I continue to be the exact opposite from my mom. I tried to forgive my mom when my daughter was graduating from high school. I was really excited and proud and was thinking-maybe the drinking was just her way of coping with her hard life. I talked to her and told her that I really wanted her to be there and sent the invitation to her, she told me she wouldnt miss it. But she did. She didnt call me to tell me she wasnt coming, didnt apologize for not coming. That was the last straw, I was mad. I wanted to forgive and move on and try to have a good relationship with her. On April 19th 2012, i got a phone call from my sister that she found my mom unreponsive but breathing, I was thinking she probably just drank too much. She never woke up, she had a brain stem stroke sometime during the night. At the hospital,they confirmed she had no brain activity, the machines were keeping her alive and we needed to let her go. We did. I hadnt spoken to her for a year and a half. Now almost a year after her death, I hear stories and see pictures of her. Of the person she had become over the years, the person I never knew and I'm mad again. If she changed, why didnt she try to be a part of my life? She had 11 kids, and I am the one who never really got to know her.

Comments for Not a close relationship

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Mar 15, 2013
Not a close relationship
by: Doreen U.K.

Sarah I am sorry for your loss of your Mom. I am sorry for the loss of relationship with her that you craved. A Mom has a responsibility to her children to nurture them. If she can't then she can reach out for support to cope with life in a way that she could do better. She chose alcohol as her way of coping which was a destructive one. You will have a normal wound which is unresolved and is now pressing for resolution that is why you are feeling so mad. You don't need to FORGIVE. You need to focus on getting yourself into counselling and trying to resolve your grieve and loss of relationship with your mom in this safe controlled environment where you can cry and express your emotions as you need to do. I did counselling for years and got my life back in a way that I can't express. I had never been happier. Nothing could hurt me from my childhood into my present and I related better and differently. I didn't need to focus on forgiveness either as it just evaporated in counselling and was never an issue or a problem. My mother has been dead for 10 years. I was her favourite daughter but she was still hard on me often to be the perfect daughter and this caused jealousies with my 5 siblings, which continued throughout my life. I am now 64yrs. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 10 months ago. I got to relate in a way from counselling that benefited my husband and 3 Adult children. I did something about my life to improve this via counselling. I am reaping the benefits now. My parents were victims of their own cruel upbringing and didn't purposely cause their children grief. They were just hurt people who hurt their children by a discipline they thought was right. Who knows why your mother neglected you and left you out? When you have resolved this wound it will never hurt you again. You will be amazed at how you can move forward from the pain of the past with the support of a counsellor. I wish you all the best in life and you are a very special person to reverse your past and not continue to let this wound cause pain to your own family. Build on this. I hope life gets better for you and you heal from your wounds of the past. IT DOES WORK. Best wishes

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