Not just a Friend, my whole life

I hesitate to say my friend died, as if that's not as important as a spouse or parent. But Shelley was my best friend for 40 years, and we shared a love that was deep and loving, and now she is gone I am bereft.
We both were married, and I had children, but she was the main constant in my life for all those years.
I just don't know how to live without her - we were children together, we were teenagers together, we were young and then middle aged women together, we used to talk about being old together - and now there's just me.
Sometimes we talked about growing old sitting in rocking chairs sucking our boiled sweets, sometimes we were dressing outrageously in mini skirts and kicking up a storm as defiant 80 year olds, but always we were together. And now I face a lonely old age, with no-one to remember the silly girl I was all those years ago, and I miss her so much.
It's been 8 months since she died and it seems to get harder not easier. The numbness has worn off and I am left with the pain. How do people manage? How do all the millions walking around just get out of bed every day? I know I'm not the only one. I know grief is no lover of fairness, but where are all the other bereft people? Is it just me that can't cope?
Maybe if I keep a blog on here it will help me deal with this - she would want me to be true to my feelings and grieve, but she would be so sad to know I was hurting so much and she couldn't help me - she always looked after me, was always there for me.

Comments for Not just a Friend, my whole life

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Jan 04, 2013
18 months on
by: Anonymous

It's been 18 months since she died and finally I am finding a way through. I am changed forever in some ways, I'll always miss her and i still can't talk about her without crying, but the awful anguished sobbing that dominated the last year and a half has diminished considerably.
The ache of that special person missing will be with me always I think, but I am trying to see that there are some good things that have survived - I am not so anxious as I used to be about small things - after all, the worst has already happened and how could life hurt me more? I am calmer and not so afraid any more. She would be proud of me for that. Someone said "It's part of her legacy" and that feels right.
Also I don't take people for granted as much - I never used to really, but now I really treasure the people I love, because I know how suddenly and finally they can be snatched away.
I still move through this grey world without much joy, but sometimes there is laughter now, and I have some hope that one day there will be heartfelt happiness again.
Sometimes it feels like it has been decades since she died and sometimes as if it was only last week, but now I understand that when family and friends said that it would take a long time, they meant years, not months. They meant never really, never would I "Get over it". You really do just learn to live with the loss, but it does get better.

Dec 31, 2012
best friend
by: Anonymous

I lost my best friend to suicide 4 months ago and I still cry everyday. She was my soulmate. My work gave me time off to grieve and then I came back and I feel like everyone thinks, ok, time to get over it, but I can't. I understand what you mean when you say some people are not strong enough to handle it, and I think I am one of those people...

Jul 18, 2012
A little light
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your comments - I have a small update. I was going downhill and not knowing quite how to find any point in being alive, so I went to my doctor and got a referral to a counsellor. I've been going to see her for 3 months now, and it has helped considerably.
at first I just turned up and sobbed for most of the hour, and couldn't really see why I should bother going, but within a few weeks I realised that it was helping. It's so hard to put into words - I still feel overwhelmed at times, I still feel that I will never get used to the pain of losing her, but now I often have several days at a time without sobbing, just a few tears. And I have started to find a way to carry on - it's the sheer repition of waking up each morning and realising I was still here and the dishes still needed washing .
For a long time after she died I just couldn't believe it was possible that I was still alive, and that I had to find a way to carry on. But the accumulated pile of all those days couldn't be ignored, and although unbelievable, it really has been 11 months. So if that is true, then this impossible situation is actually possible. Clearly is possible, is real. And if it is real, then it is also possible that I will be able to cope without her.
I have also started to come to terms with the fact that there will never be another relationship like it, it's gone and although I will be happy in the future and love other people, that period of my life is over.
And of course I miss her bitterly. Bitterly.
But now I feel that one day I will be able to talk about her with joy and not cry, and feel her near me which is still too painful at the moment. I was stuck but now I'm moving forwards again, even if it's only inching in tiny little tremors, it's still forwards, back to life and a future.

Jul 17, 2012
Where are the grief stricken people
by: Anonymous

I loved your post and I can finally relate to something. I just lost my best friend and I'm always asking my self how people go on after this and where are the others who have been through what I'm going through. I acknowledge that they are out there, but it just seems like everyone's life goes on. I don't see how my life will go on after something like this, but I hope that something will help me understand eventually.

May 09, 2012
They are hiding
by: Anonymous

All of the other grief stricken are at home. They are not out there for long. They do what they need to do and get back inside their homes where they can continue to cry and hide from the cruel world out there where the folks who have not been touched by the loss of a loved one who meant the world to them. I believe some people just are not meant to lose someone so close to them because they just can't handle it. I to am like you. Always crying, always empty always deeply sad with no real excitement for life. Although I am raising two children since my husband "the love of my life" died almost seven years ago, I only go out of the house for the absolutely necessary things and them I am back in my home, sad, crying, keening for the man who just didn't wake up one morning and broke my heart and my children's hearts forever. I hope we find some peace somehow.

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