Not ready to leave us...
by Lori R.
My mom, like many moms, was my best friend in so many ways. She and I saw each other almost daily and would speak on the phone several times just to talk about silly things. It was a deep connection we had. I would say she gave me a gift I hope to give my daughter; unconditional love.
I don't truly think I understood what she had given me until she was no longer here to talk to me, listen to me and love me. We could share laughter and silence and feel at peace with one another. It was not forced.
She has been gone 6 months now, and I feel like everyone has forgotten that I am still suffering....maybe more so now. A big void is missing in my life. My mom fought a long battle with cancer and in the end, she would force herself to endure the pain so she could listen to the grandkids read, or color with them before they left to go home. She was so selfless in her giving.
At night after everyone had gone my mom would ask me to hold her hand while trying to endure the pain. She would tell me how much she loved me and ask for many hugs. It was an amazing time to be there for her, but also gut-wrenching. I still find myself reliving those last days with her. I'm struggling to figure out what I will do now. I miss her deeply and feel daily urges to call her on the phone.
I cry at night mostly after the kids have gone to bed, and wonder if I will ever feel joy in my life again. My father died of cancer before my mom, almost 10 years ago, so I feel a bit like an "adult orphan." I wonder who will love me now, who will love my kids....will I ever stop thinking of the way it makes me feel sad?
I want to be able to move on with my life while still honoring my mother...why can't I find the strength or will to do this? It seems simple enough, but so hard to pull together. I feel the need to connect with someone who knows how I feel, as all of my friends have their mothers and they really have no idea how raw it all is for me.
After she first passed, there were lots of cards and phone calls to check on me, and then in a flash no one called, no one sent cards.....it's as if it never happened. I feel like I need more support now than before, but don't know how to reach out without people overacting that I'm depressed or that I need professional help. What I really need is conversation about the hurt, and support of a listening ear. I wonder how to get these things without alienating my friends, as I know they have heard it all before. I know in time things will again start to feel better, but how do I survive this pain til that day arrives?