Not ready to leave us...

by Lori R.
(Oregon)

My mom, like many moms, was my best friend in so many ways. She and I saw each other almost daily and would speak on the phone several times just to talk about silly things. It was a deep connection we had. I would say she gave me a gift I hope to give my daughter; unconditional love.

I don't truly think I understood what she had given me until she was no longer here to talk to me, listen to me and love me. We could share laughter and silence and feel at peace with one another. It was not forced.

She has been gone 6 months now, and I feel like everyone has forgotten that I am still suffering....maybe more so now. A big void is missing in my life. My mom fought a long battle with cancer and in the end, she would force herself to endure the pain so she could listen to the grandkids read, or color with them before they left to go home. She was so selfless in her giving.

At night after everyone had gone my mom would ask me to hold her hand while trying to endure the pain. She would tell me how much she loved me and ask for many hugs. It was an amazing time to be there for her, but also gut-wrenching. I still find myself reliving those last days with her. I'm struggling to figure out what I will do now. I miss her deeply and feel daily urges to call her on the phone.

I cry at night mostly after the kids have gone to bed, and wonder if I will ever feel joy in my life again. My father died of cancer before my mom, almost 10 years ago, so I feel a bit like an "adult orphan." I wonder who will love me now, who will love my kids....will I ever stop thinking of the way it makes me feel sad?

I want to be able to move on with my life while still honoring my mother...why can't I find the strength or will to do this? It seems simple enough, but so hard to pull together. I feel the need to connect with someone who knows how I feel, as all of my friends have their mothers and they really have no idea how raw it all is for me.
After she first passed, there were lots of cards and phone calls to check on me, and then in a flash no one called, no one sent cards.....it's as if it never happened. I feel like I need more support now than before, but don't know how to reach out without people overacting that I'm depressed or that I need professional help. What I really need is conversation about the hurt, and support of a listening ear. I wonder how to get these things without alienating my friends, as I know they have heard it all before. I know in time things will again start to feel better, but how do I survive this pain til that day arrives?

Comments for Not ready to leave us...

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Oct 18, 2010
My Beautiful Mom
by: Marti

Hi Lori and everyone else. I am so glad that I found this site. My mom died September 30, 2010. My mom didn't die of cancer but of heart failure after losing the ability to walk. Everything you lovely people said about your mom was the same for me. I'm completely lost without her.

Mar 02, 2010
I can relate
by: sunshine

I was reading your post and thinking, as I was reading, that you were writing my story. I too lost my mother 6 months ago. She was my best friend. I saw my mother play with my children even though she was in pain from her cancer. I watched my mother have to say goodbye to her granddaughters as they left for the airport, knowing she wouldn't see them again.

I watched my mother suffer excruciating pain, I bathed her deteriorating body, dressed her, gave her, her pain medicine in her feeding tube when she couldn't swallow anymore. I helped her plan the details of her funeral. I held her hand when she took her last breath and told her I loved her.

I know the kind of pain you are feeling. I feel very alone as well. Not even my husband understands. I wanted you to know my story, so that you would know that you are not alone. I'm not sure I will ever be normal again. It seems to be getting worse for me as well. Hope you can find some peace.

Sunshine

Feb 04, 2010
I too, feel similar in my loss of my own Mom
by: LeAnn

Hello there, I hope this finds you in a good mood. My Mom died on 8/22/08. That may seem "long enough" but it is not at all. She died on a Friday afternoon, I had just spoken with her less than 30 mins or os before she called 911. It was my Dad's 65th Bday, we were planning a dinner that night, when we got home there was a cake on the table, the last thing she ever cooked, and she was a great cook.

I know my story so well, it haunts me most days/nights. I was 26wks preg with twins when she died. She had a heart attack. The twins were so special to her and others before she died, now?? w

Well they are 14 months old now, so it has been 17 months since she left. No one told me that fateful afternoon while everything was going on, what was really happening, they wanted to "protect" me, it only cheated me; my sister and Dad saw her before she died, she was unconcious, but they saw her alive. I didn't....I ended up on bedrest, used all my fmla, got laid off with job protection after maternity leave, so my husband and I decided to move back to the same small town an hr away where she lived and we were from...

A mistake? Most days yes... our new house is almost done being built, and still no job for me, cost of daycare too much, and oh yeah I'm prego again, what the heck kind of life has mine turned into??

My Mom was my best friend, daily calls, weekly visits, she adored my now 5 yr old girl, no one loved us like that, I miss her beyond words..

Jan 15, 2010
Ohio
by: Kim C.

I lost my Dear Beloved Mother June. 20, 2009, we were best friends as well. She was always there for me to talk to, to cheer me on, always on my side, loving me like no one else can. A Mother's love is irreplaceable.

I thought I was doing better and now I am in the deepest dark hole of my life, don't feel like seeing anyone. I lay around every minute I can, people are tired of my grief, so I do most of my grieving alone.

My husband and son never speak of Mom, yet she was a constant person in our lives. They say they don't want to make me cry, but I want her to be talked about. I miss her so deeply. Living without her is a totally different life, I don't know how to move forward.

I pray a lot and ask God for some relief, but my mind is like a movie that never stops, images of Mom and all the things we did together. It truly is overwhelming. I understand how all of you are feeling. Some daughters didn't have this kind of relationship that we had with our Mothers.

My Mother and I LOVED EACH OTHER DEEPLY and I will never ever forget her. I know we will meet again one day in heaven and for now that is my comfort here on earth. God Bless You~ to those of you suffering from the passing of your Mother, I understand. We will never be the same person we were before and life is forever changed..........

Jan 13, 2010
How can we become our mother when we're so sad?
by: Anonymous

I lost my mother May 2008, she was my best friend. As you both did, I also saw her on a daily basis and called her just because...

Then one morning, it all changed and she was gone at the age of 68. There hasn't been a day that I don't think about her and even cry. I try to keep it together for my kids, but it's difficult when you have such a big void in your life.

I've started to read a daily devotions for mothers and I find some comfort in that. I've prayed more in the past year and half than I have my entire life. It's the only thing pulling me through.

I agree, you don't realize what you have until it's gone. I just want to call her and tell her what my boys are doing. I want her to rally beside me, cheer them on when no one else does. I want her to tell me I'm doing a good job parenting, when I doubt my every move. I want her to tell me what I need to know for tomorrow...

As I talk about these sad moments, I struggle to figure out how to move forward and be the mom she was. How do I give love when I still hurt so much? I've had so many people tell me to go on antidepressants, but I don't think that's the answer for me.

I'm so glad to hear others have that close relationship with their mothers, because I've only been told that having that close of a relationship is unusual. I think we were blessed!!!!!!!

Let's try to help each other day by day to find that ray of hope our mothers gave to us. I'll say a prayer for you that you're mother sees the beauty in you each day. - - LOL for our Mom's

Jan 13, 2010
No one like a mother
by: Anonymous

Hi Lori,
I too lost my mother, July 09. It was sudden. She had an abdominal aortic aneurysm. I don't think people are as sympathetic to ones who have lost their parents, because we all should outlive our parents...that's the natural progression of things.

I have drawn back from a good friend and have connected with a new friend. It's weird that this site says that will happen. You are not the same person you once were. I was a big caregiver type and now I feel inadequate because of not being able to fulfill that part of my personality.

I spoke with my Mom every day. There is no one that can ever take her place. She knows you better than anyone ever can or will.

I so liked this story about grief: Grief is like a wound. At first, it's open, bleeding, raw and terribly painful. In time, that wound begins to heal. It heals from the inside out. The pain begins to fade and eventually a scar is formed. I have a scar on my leg that I've had since the ago of 12. I'm an adult now, but when I touch that scar, it feels different than the rest of my body. Grief is like that. There will always be a scar. We will never be the same again. Hang in there!!!

Jan 12, 2010
TO LORI IN OREGON- LOST MOTHER
by: Anonymous

DEAR LORI,
I CAN CONNECT WITH YOU SO EASILY. I, TOO, LOST MY MOTHER 6 MONTHS AND 4 DAYS AGO. WE TALKED ON THE PHONE EVERY DAY, VISITED OFTEN, WENT PLACES TOGETHER. SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND. SHE WAS
ALWAYS THERE. I CALLED HER EVERY TIME I NEEDED TO ASK ANYTHING. THEN SHE WAS GONE.

I WANDER AROUND THROUGH THE HOUSE FEELING LOST.
NO ONE CAN PREPARE YOU FOR THE SADNESS, THE LONELINESS, THE FEELING OF NOT REALLY BEING ANYWHERE, JUST IN A "BETWEEN" PLACE.

I WISH I COULD TELL YOU THAT IT GETS BETTER, BUT I'M NOT FEELING THAT YET. I'VE STOPPED DOING ALL THE THINGS I DID BEFORE, BECAUSE I SEE NO POINT IN DOING ANYTHING. GOD BLESS YOU. YOU'RE IN MY PRAYERS.

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