Not saved from divorce
The basics first, I have been married for 19 years with four children. For the past several years I have felt lonely in my house, even though being around people all the time. My wife would make family decisions with out me, like which church to go to, family trips with other family members all the time. For about the past 2 years I went searching, but not hard for a new mate to see if there was something for ME. I ended up having an affair which was going on for about 5 months, and when I did not come home one night my wife came looking for me. When I got home I told her that I had slept with another women. She asked for me to leave and I did.
Since the time I left, the wife and I had several times going back and fourth on the fence and came very close of forgiving each other and to work on the marriage. Yes when we would argue, I would go back to the woman I had an affair with, for the security of being felt, wanted. The wife and I would act too soon or too late on matters and usually did not think before we acted. On Dec. 14th the wife filed for a divorce in which I did not know until Dec. 29th.
On Dec. 18th I decided to get my head out of my *** and work on the family. for the Two weeks from getting it out of my and the serving of the papers was great. I thought we were going to work it out. Then chaos broke out for a few days, and then I started to ask her to stop the divorce so we could work on it. She said that this is something she needs to do and that there is no hope. I think that I tried too hard and pushed her away even further. I asked about getting back together after the divorce and she said it won't happen. All this loss of a lifetime companion has put a strain on all of us even the kids.
I just can't come to the conclusion that this is happening after we were so close. I feel so much more lonely than ever before. I have asked for forgiveness from the Almighty God and wished for forgiveness from the wife. Just have so much pain inside and no one to talk to like family because they don't want to be in the middle of it any more.
The 2 oldest children, 18 and 14 don't want us to try and make it, but the little ones 8 and 4 do. Everything has gone very very sad. Just need some advice with coping with this empty guilty feeling.