Not saved from divorce

by Steven
(Georgia)

The basics first, I have been married for 19 years with four children. For the past several years I have felt lonely in my house, even though being around people all the time. My wife would make family decisions with out me, like which church to go to, family trips with other family members all the time. For about the past 2 years I went searching, but not hard for a new mate to see if there was something for ME. I ended up having an affair which was going on for about 5 months, and when I did not come home one night my wife came looking for me. When I got home I told her that I had slept with another women. She asked for me to leave and I did.

Since the time I left, the wife and I had several times going back and fourth on the fence and came very close of forgiving each other and to work on the marriage. Yes when we would argue, I would go back to the woman I had an affair with, for the security of being felt, wanted. The wife and I would act too soon or too late on matters and usually did not think before we acted. On Dec. 14th the wife filed for a divorce in which I did not know until Dec. 29th.

On Dec. 18th I decided to get my head out of my *** and work on the family. for the Two weeks from getting it out of my and the serving of the papers was great. I thought we were going to work it out. Then chaos broke out for a few days, and then I started to ask her to stop the divorce so we could work on it. She said that this is something she needs to do and that there is no hope. I think that I tried too hard and pushed her away even further. I asked about getting back together after the divorce and she said it won't happen. All this loss of a lifetime companion has put a strain on all of us even the kids.

I just can't come to the conclusion that this is happening after we were so close. I feel so much more lonely than ever before. I have asked for forgiveness from the Almighty God and wished for forgiveness from the wife. Just have so much pain inside and no one to talk to like family because they don't want to be in the middle of it any more.

The 2 oldest children, 18 and 14 don't want us to try and make it, but the little ones 8 and 4 do. Everything has gone very very sad. Just need some advice with coping with this empty guilty feeling.

Comments for Not saved from divorce

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Mar 11, 2011
Wow
by: Terri

I read your story, I read the comments that were posted before me and I can see you have alot of advice from anonymous people and alot of god fearing people.

I am glad you told us your story, it will help others to see their way through their situation. I'm sorry for your situation. I think for me the best advise given was to constantly let your children know you truly love them with affection and words, to not look away from the marriage for help in the marriage, and for you to try being independent for awhile to learn how you like to live before you try to live with someone else.
I think the most important thing is you need to remember whatever you decide to do, it is ok. You are an important person and you deserve to be happy no matter what life that is, and your children will respect you if you stay true to yourself! Good luck my friend!

Mar 06, 2011
Then there is God!
by: Anonymous

Seek God and Godly counsel. Do not seek the the approval of others. There are too many opinions! You are a unique individual with a set of blueprints designed by God. God can place people in your life who can help you understand and sort this all out. Right is still right and wrong is still wrong, despite the reasons. I don't think it's healthy to rationalize our behavior, but to figure out why or how something like this could've happened and go from there. I am the last one really to be writing--I am still dazed and confused by something similar in my life. My marriage is still in tact (barely) and we are both wounded deeply by the damage we have done to each other, but for the sake of our child and our future grandchildren, staying married is what's right for us. If you want your marriage, cry out to God, fight for it, and prove yourself trustworthy again--know it's going to take lots of time. I am told that it's possible to become stronger together after something like this. Guess we will have to wait and see. I am told to stop asking why and instead ask....What are you trying to teach me? Be teachable, be patient, and when you feel like there is anything hardly recognizable of you, know that God loves you right where you are, even a mess.
Pray for healing. Find some support. (If your marriage ends too, God can still make something good from it). Feel better soon.

Mar 01, 2011
This is it
by: DT

I know how you feel, I've been there. I knew my ex wife for 2 1/2 years before we got married, and we were married for 15 years. After about 10 years I felt so miserable and decided to have an affair. Since I am not good at this, it took me another 2 years to find someone, newspaper ad. We met several times, yet nothing happened, since I realized that having sex with another woman will not solve my problems and will fill me up with guilt. So I filed the divorce. You think it was a relief? No, it was painful. A man I know, who got divorced some years before me, told me it takes 1 year for your soul to heal. He was right. Even if meanwhile I found a good woman and eventually got married, the pain was there, the regrets, the "what if's". For one year.

I have three thoughts for you:
1. From what you describe, your marriage was not to be. You two married for the wrong reasons and got the wrong person (it's true for her too). There is no perfect marriage and there is no perfectly wrong marriage. The good part you had is what you are missing, and obviously that was not enough. Don't be sorry, IT WAS GOING TO GET WORSE ! Every day, every month, every year, some ups, some downs. Try to imagine your life after your kids will leave the nest. Just you and her. Is this what you are sorry for?

2. Your wife made all the decisions in the family. This is, to some extent, normal. Men are technical, women have better social skills. Their instinct tells them how to raise kids. However, I suspect you are somehow passive, probably your mother made the decisions for you, I don't know. So, what I suggest, learn to live by yourself for a while, to enjoy life as it is. You CAN be happy just having where to sleep and what to eat. BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND ! Learn to feel good when you are alone, at home or in a park.

3. You have 4 kids. They are yours, now and forever. Children appreciate you for what you give. Learn how to be their friend, because, after all, we are all equal on the path of life. Be your kids best friend, an older and more experienced friend. Just love them, it's enough. I assume you are paying a lot for their support. Do not feel as if you are robbed, and do not feel as if you have to buy your kids with expensive gifts. Just love them. And tell them countless times that IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT ! Children always think that, so it's never enough to remind them this, now and 10 years from now.

Life is beautiful, with or without a wife, and when you feel happy, others will join you.

Mar 01, 2011
Not Serious
by: Anonymous

As Dr. Phil would say.."you never turn from your marriage to fix a problem within the marriage". It's the best way to run it into a ditch. I hope you have learned a very valuable lesson here. Doing whatever feels good instead of doing what's right is not the answer.

The only way you may have a chance is to behave your way to success. Show Your Wife you mean business by showing her you are serious. But give her a chance to digest her own feelings right now. She is really hurting and needs to know you "get it" about how much you have destroyed her trust and her knowing you love her.

GOOD LUCK AND GOD HELP YOU.

Mar 01, 2011
Your bed
by:

I think that this is a chapter that you are going to have to get through with no easy shortcuts. I was in a bad marriage the first go round and knew that there was something better our there for me. I did however let go of the bad before I found a wonderful person who treated me the way that I deserved to be treated.

I guess that I am pretty much black and white on this subject and not the best person to give you the answer that you want. I always thought without trust there is no marriage.

My Love and I spoke of it often. I let him know that if he took on another lover I would be gone. That I could not live without trust. That and the fact that I felt that I wasn't enough for him and that would really mess with my sensitive fragile ego.

I am sorry if this doesn't help. Just my female's perspective and I shall remain anonymous for the sake of raw truth.

Mar 01, 2011
advice
by: Anonymous

IM VERY SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR SITUATION BUT YOUR WIFE AND YOU MUST NOT HAVE TOOK YOUR MARRIAGE VOWS SERIOUSLY; STICK TOGETHER THOUGH THE THICK AND THIN ONE, MAN AND ONE WOMAN FOR LIFE. GOD TAKES US SERIOUSLY TOO. ILL PRAY FOR U AND YOUR WIFE AND KIDS THAT GOD WILL BRING YOUR FAMILY BACK TOGETHER AGAIN IF U REALLY WANT YOUR WIFE BACK. DROP THE OTHER WOMEN, GOD IS YOUR ONLY HOPE HERE AND GOD HATES DIVORCE. LOVE IS A CHOICE NOT A FEELING. GODS BLESSING TO YOU. AH

Feb 28, 2011
perhaps you could....
by: Anonymous

Perhaps you might like to try giving to others what you wish you had for yourself
1. investing even more of your energy into caring for your precious children, playing, supporting listening to them.

2. helping to start a support group for men experiencing divorce.

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