Not sure where to go from here
I lost my AMAZING Mom on May 1st, 2010. She had survived breast cancer only to be diagnosed with lung cancer 5 years later. She was such a warrior. Never gave in, never surrendered. And she did it all for us. The lung cancer eventually metastasized to her brain.
She had a stroke in Dec of 2009 and I knew in my heart that this was the beginning of the end. Each time we went to the hospital or doctor's office, things just kept getting worse. No more good news, no more hope. I've always thought of our family as close but there I sat all alone in the room with my Mom as her body began to shut down. She had not communicated with us for over a week. Looking back, maybe everyone but me was okay with letting go of the body because they could no longer communicate with her. I was so scared I would be alone when she passed. So afraid she would hear me crying or feel my despair.
It's been 5 1/2 months and everyone else seems to be moving forward. I am so angry and feel so much pain that I can't even be around my family. My Dad has already started dating and can't understand my anger. He tells me that Mom gave him permission. WHATEVER! He has 4 daughters who need him. I feel his social life can wait. Of course, he feels he's not getting any younger so he doesn't wanna miss his chance. My sisters helped clean everything out while he took his girlfriend on vacation. Or should I say my Mom's dream vacation.
Now he is renovating the entire house, which my mother begged him to do for more than 20 years. Long before she got sick but he didn't have time. He is cleaning out everything that pertains to our family history. Giving all us girls our high school mementos that Mom couldn't bear to part with. To him it's just in the way.
God, please help me understand & ease this pain. It is absolutely crippling me. My daughter graduated 2 weeks after I lost Mom so now I'm dealing with "empty nest" syndrome as well. My daughter now lives in the dorms and I don't get to see her very much. This is a whole other kinda pain but just as deep. Now I'm dealing with caring for my husband who was hurt at work. He was injured on Aug 31st.
I am so physically and emotionally weary that I don't know which end is up. I can understand why people become alcoholics, though I haven't (&won't) touch a drop. I understand why people contemplate suicide. I haven't given it serious thought but it has entered my mind that those people were just looking for an end to the pain. Just as I am.
How do I get thru this without losing everyone I love and care for? I am so angry and disappointed in how they have moved on so quickly. Am I wrong to hold onto the memories and grieve such an amazing part of my life? I'm not the same as yesterday. Everything has changed. Who will I be when this is over? Will it ever be over? Will I like who I become? So many unanswered questions that I'm sure she could answer if only she were still here. My greatest fear is STILL that I will disappoint her with the way I am behaving.
I know that life must go on but she was such an AMAZING person, the very least that life could do, if only for a short time, is slow down and show just a little bit of respect to someone who loved with all her heart and sacrificed everything for everyone else. I love you MOM! Always & Forever!!!!
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