Not yet real
On March 11, 2007 I lost my big brother to a drug overdose. He had been battling this disease his whole life and depended on it to cover up his depression and awful childhood we both suffered.
It has been over a year and I have just started to feel the effects of his loss. I pushed the pain so far down that I convinced myself he was just "off" somewhere and would call soon.
He had a wife and 3 beautiful children yet he could not recover from his depression. The hardest part is thinking of something I want to tell him and then the next moment I realize he is gone. It's almost as if he died all over again.
I am so horribly depressed and my heart aches with every step. I find it hard to walk, wake, face life. I wasn't able to say goodbye because when I got to the hospital he was already brain dead. I have regrets about so many things I never told him. I wish I could have helped him through his depression, but I was to young to realize that he was numbing himself.
I feel as if any moment I will just break down and lose it. I worry that if I allow myself to feel the loss in it's entirety that I will never come back, that I will lose all control. I don't know where to begin. I am so scared to feel that I don't know which piece to let out first. Does anyone have advice for me?
I really miss my big brother.