Not yet real

Not yet real

by Julia
(California)

On March 11, 2007 I lost my big brother to a drug overdose. He had been battling this disease his whole life and depended on it to cover up his depression and awful childhood we both suffered.

It has been over a year and I have just started to feel the effects of his loss. I pushed the pain so far down that I convinced myself he was just "off" somewhere and would call soon.

He had a wife and 3 beautiful children yet he could not recover from his depression. The hardest part is thinking of something I want to tell him and then the next moment I realize he is gone. It's almost as if he died all over again.

I am so horribly depressed and my heart aches with every step. I find it hard to walk, wake, face life. I wasn't able to say goodbye because when I got to the hospital he was already brain dead. I have regrets about so many things I never told him. I wish I could have helped him through his depression, but I was to young to realize that he was numbing himself.

I feel as if any moment I will just break down and lose it. I worry that if I allow myself to feel the loss in it's entirety that I will never come back, that I will lose all control. I don't know where to begin. I am so scared to feel that I don't know which piece to let out first. Does anyone have advice for me?

I really miss my big brother.

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Jun 26, 2008

let it out
by: Anonymous

I lost my 17 year old son, Christian, just this past December. He was with his friends coming home on Sunday afternoon when his friends car hit ice and the car spun into oncoming traffic. All three boys died instantly.

Christian was my oldest of two boys. Handsome, gifted athlete, bright, and a very happy boy with a bright future ahead of him. He had just been accepted to college.

I remember 6 weeks after the accident and still not being able to say anything but cry and moan like a wounded animal. I was so frightened to talk and "lose control" as you have said for fear that I too would be like Humpty Dumpty and break into a million pieces never to be put together again. I just did not know how to begin to speak of the pain I felt. I have ordered the resource book on this website and look forward to reading it as I just bought it a few moments ago. I did see a therapist though after realizing that I needed to get some things out because I felt like I was being physically tormented by keeping everything inside. The first 4 meetings I talked and cried and cried. It was very cleansing and I think I just needed a safe, controlled environment in which to let go. My best advice is to find others who have had a loss similar to yours. I lost my husband 7 years ago and this was a million times worse. Every death is different due to the uniqueness of the relationship. Perhaps finding a grief support group would put you in touch with others who lost a sibling. I know for me it was very important to speak with other Mothers who had lost a son Christian's age and who had so much going for him. It has helped to be with others who understand the pain I am feeling. Unless someone has experienced this pain, I don't think they can really understand the depth of despair we feel. I will remember you in my prayers-I hope we both are able to find the peace we are searching for.

Julie

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Jun 26, 2008
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Submitted by: Anonymous

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I lost my 17 year old son, Christian, just this past December. He was with his friends coming home on Sunday afternoon when his friends car hit ice and the car spun into oncoming traffic. All three boys died instantly. Christian was my oldest of two boys. Handsome, gifted athlete, bright, and a very happy boy with a bright future ahead of him. He had just been accepted to college. I remember 6 weeks after the accident and still not being able to say anything but cry and moan like a wounded animal. I was so frightened to talk and "lose control" as you have said for fear that I too would be like Humpty Dumpty and break into a million pieces never to be put together again. I just did not know how to begin to speak of the pain I felt. I have ordered the resource book on this website and look forward to reading it as I just bought it a few moments ago. I did see a therapist though after realizing that I needed to get some things out because I felt like I was being physically tormented by keeping everything inside. The first 4 meetings I talked and cried and cried. It was very cleansing and I think I just needed a safe, controlled environment in which to let go. My best advice is to find others who have had a loss similar to yours. I lost my husband 7 years ago and this was a million times worse. Every death is different due to the uniqueness of the relationship. Perhaps finding a grief support group would put you in touch with others who lost a sibling. I know for me it was very important to speak with other Mothers who had lost a son Christian's age and who had so much going for him. It has helped to be with others who understand the pain I am feeling. Unless someone has experienced this pain, I don't think they can really understand the depth of despair we feel. I will remember you in my prayers-I hope we both are able to find the peace we are searching for. Julie

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Jun 05, 2008

You will survive!
by: Jennie

Dear Julia,

Let me say first that I am so very sorry for your loss. I can tell how much you are hurting and missing your brother.

The reason you are in the depths of despair right now, over a year later, is because you pushed away the grief and pain in the beginning of your bereavement. Lots of people do this, but it just delays the whole grief process.

Right now, it sounds like you are just beginning to face the grief and to let it surface. You are so very deeply depressed because you are just now working on the early stages of your grief.

You also sound like you are experiencing some doubts, regrets, and guilt over his death, which is very common in a suicide. (Although he died of a drug overdose, that is actually a form of suicide). There was nothing you could have done to alter his path; he made his own choices in his life.

You will not "lose it" by experiencing the grief fully. In fact, that is the only way to heal from your loss. And time will eventually soften the blow and help you get back to a more bearable life. You will survive!

I have gone into great detail about complicated grief like yours in my Grief Guidebook (click on the button to the left). Also included are some very effective strategies and exercises you may try to help you deal with this.

I would give your bereavement a lot more time, and do try the guidebook. If after another six months or so has passed and you just don't see any progress at all, then professional counseling may be necessary to help you heal.

Good luck, Julia, and once again, my condolences for your great loss.

Jennie

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Jun 05, 2008
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Submitted by: Jennie

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Dear Julia, Let me say first that I am so very sorry for your loss. I can tell how much you are hurting and missing your brother. The reason you are in the depths of despair right now, over a year later, is because you pushed away the grief and pain in the beginning of your bereavement. Lots of people do this, but it just delays the whole grief process. Right now, it sounds like you are just beginning to face the grief and to let it surface. You are so very deeply depressed because you are just now working on the early stages of your grief. You also sound like you are experiencing some doubts, regrets, and guilt over his death, which is very common in a suicide. (Although he died of a drug overdose, that is actually a form of suicide). There was nothing you could have done to alter his path; he made his own choices in his life. You will not "lose it" by experiencing the grief fully. In fact, that is the only way to heal from your loss. And time will eventually soften the blow and help you get back to a more bearable life. You will survive! I have gone into great detail about complicated grief like yours in my Grief Guidebook (click on the button to the left). Also included are some very effective strategies and exercises you may try to help you deal with this. I would give your bereavement a lot more time, and do try the guidebook. If after another six months or so has passed and you just don't see any progress at all, then professional counseling may be necessary to help you heal. Good luck, Julia, and once again, my condolences for your great loss. Jennie

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