Nothing ever gets better
I lost my beautiful mom to cancer on 11th of July 2012. One week after my 24th birthday. My last birthday with her. Its been more than six months now. I had never stayed with out her for so long. And I still can't imagine my life with out her.
I still cannot accept the fact that she will never be with me anymore. My life ended the day her life ended. She took her last breath in my arms. I took my first breath in her arms and she took her last in mine. Nothing can be worse than this. I was her sole care giver and I watched her die slowly each day. Words fail me when I start describing my pain. Words don't even begin describing how I feel. Everything is gone now. I just can't move on. People say time heals everything. But I say it doesn't. For me each day is more painful than its predecessor. Everything reminds me of her. My day would start and end after looking at her innocent ever-smiling face. That will never happen now. I shared everything with her and so did she. I knew her the best and till her last breath I was the only person whom she called out for. I miss everything so much. I miss our chats, our laughter, our fights, our shopping, eating out, watching movies and the list is endless. Our lives revolved around each other. Her kids were her life. And she was ours.
How can one survive when her life is taken away from her ? There is nothing left to live for. I just don't feel like doing anything. I haven't been able to step outside the house. The pain of losing her is just too much to bear. I just don't have the will to do anything. I can't sit among people now. I feel alienated. Everyone I know has a mother but I don't. I can never be like them. My life will never be normal again. I never felt so incomplete and lonely my entire life. I always had my mother with me but now I don't. 2013 was the my first start of the year with out her. Tears couldn't stop that day. I had never imagined starting a new year with out her, with out hugging and wishing her.
People say when we lose a loved one we should look for caring support. All I got was scornful remarks and insults. My depression was termed as snobbishness. When ever I cried I was told to stop crying as crying won't make any difference. My lack of interests in things was interpreted as showing attitude to people around me. I tried to explain but no one listened. All of this was done by the people I call my relatives. My mom's siblings and their kids. I ended up staying alone with my brother since I couldn't even bear their sight. I know nobody understands since they haven't lost a loved one but the least they could do was to empathize. But all around me I have got a bunch of heartless people who have feelings only for themselves.
My mother is gone now and I am left all alone. Nothing worse could have happened to me. I just can't deal with this pain. I so wish I could join her soon. I desperately wait for that day.