Nothing ever gets better

by Sob

I lost my beautiful mom to cancer on 11th of July 2012. One week after my 24th birthday. My last birthday with her. Its been more than six months now. I had never stayed with out her for so long. And I still can't imagine my life with out her.

I still cannot accept the fact that she will never be with me anymore. My life ended the day her life ended. She took her last breath in my arms. I took my first breath in her arms and she took her last in mine. Nothing can be worse than this. I was her sole care giver and I watched her die slowly each day. Words fail me when I start describing my pain. Words don't even begin describing how I feel. Everything is gone now. I just can't move on. People say time heals everything. But I say it doesn't. For me each day is more painful than its predecessor. Everything reminds me of her. My day would start and end after looking at her innocent ever-smiling face. That will never happen now. I shared everything with her and so did she. I knew her the best and till her last breath I was the only person whom she called out for. I miss everything so much. I miss our chats, our laughter, our fights, our shopping, eating out, watching movies and the list is endless. Our lives revolved around each other. Her kids were her life. And she was ours.

How can one survive when her life is taken away from her ? There is nothing left to live for. I just don't feel like doing anything. I haven't been able to step outside the house. The pain of losing her is just too much to bear. I just don't have the will to do anything. I can't sit among people now. I feel alienated. Everyone I know has a mother but I don't. I can never be like them. My life will never be normal again. I never felt so incomplete and lonely my entire life. I always had my mother with me but now I don't. 2013 was the my first start of the year with out her. Tears couldn't stop that day. I had never imagined starting a new year with out her, with out hugging and wishing her.

People say when we lose a loved one we should look for caring support. All I got was scornful remarks and insults. My depression was termed as snobbishness. When ever I cried I was told to stop crying as crying won't make any difference. My lack of interests in things was interpreted as showing attitude to people around me. I tried to explain but no one listened. All of this was done by the people I call my relatives. My mom's siblings and their kids. I ended up staying alone with my brother since I couldn't even bear their sight. I know nobody understands since they haven't lost a loved one but the least they could do was to empathize. But all around me I have got a bunch of heartless people who have feelings only for themselves.

My mother is gone now and I am left all alone. Nothing worse could have happened to me. I just can't deal with this pain. I so wish I could join her soon. I desperately wait for that day.

Comments for Nothing ever gets better

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Feb 07, 2013
Nothing ever gets better
by: Doreen U.K.

Sob I wanted to further comment that most people can say the worst pain they get is from family. Relatives are not always the best people to support us. I have 6 siblings and there has been jealousy and all the other things families go through. One sister may be struggling when another is doing well and so it goes. This can cause problems. But over time some of us have managed to resolve difficulties. Other's can't see they are responsible so we just cope as best as we can. Some of us distance for a few years and then come back mostly for a funeral. Often when someone dies it can push people further apart whilst bringing other's closer. You will lose people from your life at a death. You will also find out everyone's true colours. Who is for you and who is against you. This is a fact of life I have found to be true in many cases.
In my case when my husband died 10 months ago from cancer. It brought most of my family back together in a stronger and more supportive way. It caused a breakaway with one or two. I found out that come what may we have to find strength to go on. If your mother's siblings and your cousins are causing you added grief YOU ARE IN CONTROL. You don't have to listen to them. You can be assertive and put them in their place. Or you could do nothing. YOUR SILENCE will speak volumes to them. It will give them a message that they can't hurt you like they did your mom (their sister) They can't get to you unless you open the door to them and give them a voice. I had the most difficult times from my husband's family. He knew this would happen before he died. When they threatened us I got the Law enforcement on my side. When they damaged flowers and plaques at the graveside. I removed everything. Even what they laid down. When they uttered slanderous comments. I ignored this. We changed telephone numbers. email addresses. and shut down my daughter's cancer website for her dad. We closed all routes. We kept SILENT. Everything has died down now and they can't get to us now. Find what works for you. I have put my story here to encourage you. Give you hope and strength . And to remove any worry and fear from you. Keep strong. I took hold of the strength of my God and I did the right thing by not adding fuel to fire. I try to do it God's way and let HIM fight my battles. There were times I was afraid as I had lost my support from my husband and when people know you are on your own they can bully you. DON'T LET THEM BULLY YOU! Best Wishes.

Feb 06, 2013
Nothing ever gets better
by: Doreen U.K.

Alison try and find a support group or church or a counsellor. Someone you can talk to about your mom. I felt sad by reading your reply here that you have no one to talk to about your mom. You need to talk about her to get your pain out of your system and help you to Heal. Talking is good which is why people find relief after talking to a counsellor. Trained to find clues about people who are stuck in grief and can't move forward. The biggest clue to being stuck in grief is when a person is still feeling the FULL RAW PAIN of their loss months and years later. Often people think they will deal with their loss later and then they lose someone else and their grief then goes underground and when life happens these triggers go off and leave one feeling as if they can't go on in life. Just don't suffer alone. I hope you find comfort and Peace in your sorrow and loss.

Feb 06, 2013
i know exactly how you feel
by: lynn

Dear Sob.........your mom is your best friend and knows everything about you from the day you were born up till present and still loves you. She is the one person you can get sympathy from when the world is MEAN. I feel exactly as you do...my best friend is gone. (my mom died of colon cancer Oct 29 2012)

try to find a small to medium church in your town to build a surrogate community around you..just keep trying them until you find the right fit.

Try not to spend too much time alone...go walking in the park,go to the beach, go to the store or just to be around people..eat very healthy whole grains, pasta and oatmeal they help with depression ........even tell the check out person you just lost your mom if they will listen. I told everyone who would listen at the beginning that I lost my mom............and I found out I wasnt the only one who lost somebody

Feb 06, 2013
Thank you all
by: Sob

It is heart warming to see such support from people who don't even know me. You guys understood my pain more than my own family ever could. Its the pain that makes us relate to each other in different ways. I am so sorry for your loss too. The pain is still very raw. The gap is too huge to be filled, ever. Each day is like a war to fight. Even crying doesn't help now.

Pat, it wasn't my siblings I had written about. They are my mother's siblings. They made my mother's life miserable and now they are after me. Nothing will put them at peace. They can't help being what they are. I just have one older brother. And he's been my best friend ever since I opened my eyes. I never felt the need to have more siblings. Our loss has changed us in many ways. But we still stand by each other's side. It was always the three of us together, mum brother and I. It's just the two of us left now.

Feb 04, 2013
Dear Sob,
by: Pat

I hear your pain. I feel it too. You have been given a double whammy with your family members not being there for you. The truth is that we all grieve differently. For you, since you lived with your mother and she died with you, the loss feels so much stronger for you. Somepeople just can't deal with a loss and, instead, choose to ignore it. If your siblings seem angry and unsupportive, it is not you that they are mad at. They have also lost their mother. Please know that anger is also part of grief. They seem angry at you because they can't project their anger onto their mother. When my mother died, my father kept saying that "theworst thing she ever did was to die on me." 18 months later, he died too. He was not even sick. I think he died of a broken heart. He and my mother were married 65 years. He could never adjust to life without her. Your mother obviously taught you strength. Reaching out,this way, is a sign of strength. Loss is probably the most difficult thing we will ever face. But, loss is a very real part of life. We all have to die at some point, but that doesn't make it any easier. Your pain is very real just as if it were an illness. Please see your doctor to try to get some antidepressant medication and look for a grief support group in your area. They are free and usually held at churchs, community centers, or hospice agencies. I've been to 1 and it was great to be able to share with other people who were also dealing with loss. Don't try to deal with your siblings' feelings. They hurt too. Just take each day at a time and help yourself. Please write back to me. I wish you well, my friend. I have lost 3 loved ones within the past year. I know your pain. I send you a hug.

Feb 03, 2013
Nothing ever gets better
by: Doreen U.K.

Sob I am sorry for your loss of your precious mother. I feel your sadness and pain. My husband died slowly of a deadly cancer and I nursed him and had to look into his sad face knowing he was dying and didn't want to. We were married 44yrs. I know how you feel. I urge you to go and see a grief counsellor who would hold your pain until it gets less painful and help you work out your great loss of your mom. I can tell you that this pain will get less in time. I didn't believe it because I was locked into the same pain as you are in and it can last for months and years for some people. This pain and sorrow is the worst we can ever go through in life. It is a pain that is indescribable. But life will get easier in time. BELIEVE THIS as it will make each day worse if you can't hold onto something that will give you HOPE. I know what you mean about not wanting to live anymore and wanting to die. It is a horrible way to feel. But many on this grief site has expressed the same feelings and some still feel the same way. You are feeling worse also because you have relatives who are being very CRUEL and UNCARING, and not empathetic of your feelings and loss. You know we all come from families like this. Death changes people and this is when you find out who your caring supporters are. Family members who you wouldn't believe could behave this way. It would take too long and not enough space to share my experiences with you. Perhaps your moms relatives had some jealousy and now this is coming out. There is nothing you can do about this. Live the rest of your life well. Live because your mom would want you to. Make a success of your life and show your relatives that you can. One day they will lose members from their immediate family and then they will have to one day apologise to you for their callous behaviour. It does help our grief when we have loving supportive family members. I wouldn't have been able to move forward a little if it wasn't for my 3 loving sisters and one brother. My children are adults and grieve in their own way and can't be as supportive as my siblings because our needs are different.
My relatives even broke the beloved heart ornament put down at my husband's grave. Just because they couldn't control the funeral or the wishes of my husband. WE had to get the police in the end to support us. Things have died down now and I hope it stays this way as I don't want trouble and threats as we had so much of this. Life is difficult and lonely. FEELING ALONE is another battle we have to fight. I wish you peace and comfort in your sorrow.

Feb 03, 2013
I'm so deeply sorry
by: Anonymous

I lost my dad, he was healthy when I lost saw him. Out of no where I get a call I went to his room and there he was. He looked yellow his lips were purple. His body was cold my only instinct was to try to wake him up but it was too late. All I thought was being his little girl again I laid next to him til they told I had to let go I hugged him and kissed him. He left in a bag it was so painful. I honestly feel so bad for you your family should understand your pain. There is nothing wrong with crying she is the most special women in your life. You got to make her happy til her last day. Just being with and close to her. She will always be with you. I don't know how long does this empty space in our hearts last I'm pretty sure it's going to be there forever. We need to live for them, remember them and enjoy everyday because I know you want to be with her but she wants you to be here. You should do things you enjoy the most. It's still to soon to recover I'm sure that not even in years we will be the same just stay strong for your mom. Cry, I wish I could hug you and cry on each other shoulders but all I have are these words. Be strong and don't wish you were dead because your mom would like for you to be happy. She is there with you not the way you wish but one day our parents will come for us and be together again

Feb 02, 2013
Try And Stay Positive
by: Anthony

No one will ever understand the loss you feel of a loved one. I have just lost my father and the pain is unbearable but it will subside in time.

People can be cruel try and surround yourself with people who care you brother for example.

Try and seek counseling I think I may do so also to deal with my loss.

Feb 02, 2013
mum
by: alison

i feel the same as you do after losing my mum in april 2012. i wish we could meet up as i have no one to talk to about mum and i miss her so so much. all my love and thoughts are with you. x

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