Nothing makes me Happy

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

The Bunny Trip

The Bunny Trip

I had an appointment to get my nails done. I had them removed a couple of years ago because of financial reasons. We had just lost our home and were filing for bankruptcy. I told him I'll have them removed, we can't afford it anymore. Billy said keep them, it's for you and you need something for you. So time went on and it got worse. So this time I didn't tell him.

We then lost our condo, filed bankruptcy and were waiting for disability ~ long story short, Billy got it, we moved to Arkansas, he passed away and I've move to Las Vegas to be closer to family. It sucks being me at times.

So I decided to get my nails done again. I remembered how I loved the way they looked and funny, the first time I put them on was when my father passed away. Now its Billy.
Billy said do your nails, get you hair done. Things he knew made me happy.

So I've been trying to find the "Happy". It doesn't seem to work. Buying clothes, a new car and now my nails. All I know and all I feel is not happy. 2 seconds into whatever I'm doing fades. I could drive around in circles and it would be the same. This feeling of utter despair and emptiness all the time.

The moments freeze me and I can breathe and the tears come once more. I feel like the walking dead in the world of the living. I wake each morning wondering if it was a dream. It's not and I ache once more. The nails look nice. It know he would have liked them, but its one more thing I can't share with him. I just don't know what to do anymore.

There is only one thing that keeps me going ~ I say it over and over to myself because it's the only thing that keeps me from insanity.
I remind myself to say it ~ with tears in my eyes again,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ I can do it!

Comments for Nothing makes me Happy

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Dec 01, 2010
by: Zoe

A step of grief they don't write about.
I too tried to shop my way out of it. It was doing something; something that seemed affirming then it would come and I would not even open the box, it was the act of shopping, not the shopping itself, doing something that was "normal" when nothing in your life was normal.

I would go shopping and John would sit patiently as I showed him what I bought, was he always interested, no, but he would tease me and we would laugh, and we would love.

So you shop because it is doing something normal, except there is no one to show it to. Whem we moved into the house my daughter was opening boxes going mom what is this stuff.. I said I don't know give it to charity.

You cannot buy happy; you cannot pretend normal. we are neither.

one step one breath one day at a time, that is what I hold onto.

Dec 01, 2010
Pride and memories
by: Anonymous

In the beginning of this long ride of grief I found myself trying to:

A. Trying to research exactly how long it would last and what others felt as a gauge.

B. Buying things (too much) usually on clearance or 2nd hand but trying to get some endorphins to feel "Normal" It was a temporary fix.

C. The first time that I wore make up and tried on pride (shaved etc.) I Felt guilt for caring and asked myself "Why am I doing this?!! who cares?"

D. Everything that I did reminded me of Paul anyway as much as I tried to escape the memories.

You are not alone all these feeling seem to fight each other as we try to forge ahead. The past strangles us as we try out the future but keep on going your doing well and you always have us here to talk to.

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