Nothing makes me Happy

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

I had an appointment to get my nails done. I had them removed a couple of years ago because of financial reasons. We had just lost our home and were filing for bankruptcy. I told him I'll have them removed, we can't afford it anymore. Billy said keep them, it's for you and you need something for you. So time went on and it got worse. So this time I didn't tell him.

We then lost our condo, filed bankruptcy and were waiting for disability ~ long story short, Billy got it, we moved to Arkansas, he passed away and I've move to Las Vegas to be closer to family. It sucks being me at times.

So I decided to get my nails done again. I remembered how I loved the way they looked and funny, the first time I put them on was when my father passed away. Now its Billy.
Billy said do your nails, get you hair done. Things he knew made me happy.

So I've been trying to find the "Happy". It doesn't seem to work. Buying clothes, a new car and now my nails. All I know and all I feel is not happy. 2 seconds into whatever I'm doing fades. I could drive around in circles and it would be the same. This feeling of utter despair and emptiness all the time.

The moments freeze me and I can breathe and the tears come once more. I feel like the walking dead in the world of the living. I wake each morning wondering if it was a dream. It's not and I ache once more. The nails look nice. It know he would have liked them, but its one more thing I can't share with him. I just don't know what to do anymore.

There is only one thing that keeps me going ~ I say it over and over to myself because it's the only thing that keeps me from insanity.
I remind myself to say it ~ with tears in my eyes again,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ I can do it!