Nothing will ever be able to replace the hole she left in my heart

by Cari
(PA)

In 1986, I was adopted from Korea when I was only three months old. Little did I know that the people who chose me would be so amazing. Especially my grandma-"Mam." Mam had been a heavy smoker for over fifty years but the day that I came into her life, she quit smoking cold-turkey, because shd did not want to set a bad example for me as I grew up. That might have been one of the most amazing gifts that I have ever been given--she did this without knowing me AT all--and beetwen March 14, 1986 to January 5, 2012, Mam never touched another cigarette. I hope she knows what that meant to me. She showed me unconditional love, strength, dedication, and endurance that have helped me become the strong woman I am today.
Her and my grandfather were so supportive of me throghout my entire life. I was a figure skater for 12 years ,and they never missed a show or a competition. They attended every school activities I particiipated in, and sent me cards for every holiday. They made me feel so loved and lucky to have such a supportive family. Mam was more than just a grandma she was almost a special friend that I knew I could always turn to--for anything.
Mam definately had strong opinions--and was never afraid to tell others how she felt. There is no other way of saying it other than --well, she was bossy! I guess sassy would be another word for it. I have dated many frogs before I met my prince (my husband, Rob). And Mam met every one of them--and was always very protective of me. But after meeting Rob for only 5 minutes, she said to me "Cari, if you mess this one up, you are an idiot!" I was so taken aback by that comment! Rob and I got married last feb. When I look back over the part year or so, I can now see that Mam was starting to slide downhill- after the wedding. She had emphasma and was on the highest dose of oxygen, as well as hourly nebulizing treatments to help her breath. The hospital vists became closer together and her breathing continued to get worse. We had a great Christmas eve together at her assisted living facility, and shortly after, on January 5, 2012, she passed away.
She is my first big loss in my life. I love her so much it has become next to unbearable to continue on without her. I used to go to her apt about 3-4 times a week and study while she went about her morning chores. It became my little hiding spot from the rest of the world and my safe place. We didnt even have to talk, but we just knew we were there for each other-loving each other. Mornings are rough for me now, as is motivating myself to do anything. Im in counseling and see a psychiatrist, but the pain is still unbearable. How is it that i wont get to see her again until heaven ? I would give anything to hear her nag me again! She was so strong, fearless, and compassionate about life and those she loved. She left those traits in me--which i know is how she will live on--through me and the memories. I understand that...and all the stages of grief and moving on...but it still sucks, still hurts, and I still want my Mam back. And its hard to know I wont get her back...as hard as I try. I hope she is reading this and knows how much I miss her, Thank her, and will continue to try to make her proud. Nothing ever prepares you for this.

Comments for Nothing will ever be able to replace the hole she left in my heart

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Mar 30, 2012
Lovely Letter
by: Anonymous

This is a beautiful letter. I am sure your Mam is reading this and smiling down on you. I lost my grandma two days ago and I am feeling much pain. Letters like yours make me feel like I am not alone and that someone understands how I am feeling. Thank you and take care.

Feb 26, 2012
Mom
by:

What a beautiful way to honor Mam. Not only did she quit smoking to set an example for you, she quit because she wanted to be here to see you grow up and to pass along all of her wisdom to you....and she did. You are right, she will live on through you...and through all of the memories we have to share.
Love you, Mom.

Feb 25, 2012
A gem
by: geoffrey campbell

I wept reading this, at its beauty and sadness. But your letter just touched the deepest part of my soul. I lost my Grandmother, and the hurt never goes away, never will till I see her again. You are a very beautiful person to have so much love in your heart, and so was your Grandma.

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