Now She's Really Gone

by lenners mc b
(ca)

Now She's Really Gone...
Whew! That was a loaded statement that sinks right down to the core of the matter.
I want to remember my mom as the happy and cheerful person that it seemed she naturally was. She was a people person and enjoyed doing for others, I guess that made her a good mom, she had the nurturing instincts that can come naturally. I guess I have them too, I thought everyone did. But you soon learn that it does not come naturally to everyone. This is the root of my story that points to the anger that keeps hanging over this loss like the bulls eye on a target. My mom and dad's marriage that lasted 60 years, does not represent to me a success story. You see, I was very aware of the internal workings of their relationship, and the further I step back to examine it the clearer it becomes. My Dad was the logical scientific type. Cerebral to a fault. Meaning that he was very intelligent and did very well in the work world, but he was an utter failure in the world of emotions and relating with others, and still is. The scenario went something like this; Mom would be hurt or upset by something and Dad wouldn't engage on an emotional level to solve it and really hear her and meet her anywhere in the middle. So she came to me primarily to off load her toxic waste. This went on for years where I was her sounding board and advice giver, but it was always to no avail. Eventually, I found a way to set up some boundaries and get the right perspective established. In short, I am not responsible for my mother's happiness. I say in short but that was a very long road to arrive at that statement. So the anger that lingers today is that mom finally figured out the problems in her relationship but chose to stay and grow bitter. Illness became her standard of living because she knew that really living out the life that she wanted was never going to happen. In the end she died of no thing in particular. She was a drug addict in order to numb the pain of living, mostly emotional living. The toll it took on her body and mind just fell in step with a person that had given up all hope and decided to die. What a waste. So that's what makes me angry and a little bit scared to because I can see myself aligned in the same direction. I'm not happy with my life or satisfied with my relationship no matter how hard I try, and it is usually only me doing the trying. More anger...
So I have been witness to my mothers demise over a lifetime and especially over the last 5 years, trying all I could to help. But you can't help those who do not really want to be helped. Her death was a relief to me. Because sitting by watching her slowly die was more grueling and hideous than her actual passing. During the years of watching her decline I had the position of number one family contact, so I received all of the "emergency" calls that were mostly only cries for help. I had to put all of my emotions on hold in order to survive this ordeal or it would have taken me down long before now. Now I have no idea how to grieve for her loss, because I'm still relieved; for at least half of my burden. Now it's Dad and his Alzheimers and all of his critical health issues, he is in 'failure to thrive' and having many of his own end of life issues to face as well, Another parent to watch him die... This takes more than I have, or had and I am empty and must still go on and to pick up my life again and participate in my future. I keep thinking that I'm getting back to a functional 'normal', and that I can 'do' life, but my anger brings me to intolerance with those around me and I find myself shutting down. One day at a time...Right....?

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