Now What?

by maggie-may
(Calgary, Canada)

Jeff passed away on December 27tth, 2012. Two months ago yesterday. He was only 41. From day 1 I keep saying to myself and out loud, Now What? Now what do I do? Now who do I call to talk? Now where do I turn for support? Now who will bury my parents with me when the time comes? Now what do I do today? My life still has meaning, lots of it. I just don't know what to do next.??? I wonder..... no, I know that Jeff knows exactly how I am spinning in circles right now... After losing him, and then having a big falling out with my guy... well I just keep asking myself Now What? What do I do? Where do I go? WHo do I turn to? Some of my friends have been wonderful. Helping to fill some of the void. Late nights are tough as that is when Jeff and I would talk the most. And the mornings I breakdown, almost everyday, on the way into work. I see the sunrise and think of all the spledour and glory of the world and how I will go through it alone, without Jeff. That we will never laugh or sing or dance with one another again... not until I pass and meet his spirit elsewhere. Oh I know he is with me always... I just want to hear his voice though. To call him, to talk, to laugh to goof off like we always did. My girfriend Kelley is like a girl version of him and she helps, does she ever help. I'd give anything to hold his hand, see him smile and hear him tell me how much he misses me. Oh how I miss him.... I love you Jeff, every day I love and miss you.

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Mar 13, 2013
Missing my Sister
by: Brenda

I lost my sister a day before you lost your loved one. She thought she had pneumonia that just wasn't getting better. She wanted so much to go to my parent's house with us for Christmas but just wasn't feeling well yet. On Christmas, I called her at my parent's house. We talked a long time on the phone. The next morning my mom called and told me my sister went to her doctor's office and collapsed in the reception area. They were able to revive her but then she went under again in the ambulance and never came back. When I heard what happened, I thought it was a dream. I could't believe it was happening. Why did my sister have to die and my dad who is an alcoholic still live? i just didn't know why this had to happen to her when others who dont care about life continue to live. She was only 42.

We later found out she died from a pulmonary embolism. I felt like she left me. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I get mad. I feel likeshe left her little sister behind. She was my big sister and was always there for me. When I read your message, I remembered all of the same thoughts went through my head. She was my rock. She was the one that handled everything.

Mar 01, 2013
thank you
by: Anonymous

Doreen, thank you for your words. It helps to know what I am going through is normal and that I am not alone in this. I know just what you mean when you say some days you do nothing and others too much... and then once in awhile you get it just right. That is exactly where I am at. I have this feeling like I have to keep going or the world is going to get away from me, that life is moving on withoout me... sometimes the anxiety I feel from this almost puts me into a panic and I just have to stop and breathe. And the oddest things trigger me to tears... it can be so exhausting, laughing almost manically one moment and crying the next. Everything is heightened. Occasionally a picture of him will pop up when I am going through things and itwill startle me and take my breath away... other times it brings me to a place of peace and calmness... oh how I miss him.

Mar 01, 2013
Now What?
by: Doreen U.K.

Maggie-may I am sorry for your loss of your special partner Jeff. It is not uncommon to ask the questions you feel now. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 10 months ago. My world revolved around my husband and 3 Adult children and I had to ask the question. "What do I do now?" "How do I go on in life now alone?" "Who is going to care for me and be there when I am ill or need someone?" It is normal and part of our grief. If you are finding it hard to move beyond these questions and feelings it is because of GRIEF. It somehow wears us down and often it is as if our battery has died and we don't even have the strength to recharge that battery inside of us to give us the motivation to change. Perhaps some grief counselling may help? It is worth a try. Try anything to see what works. We all handle our grief differently. We all have different expectations. Our grief is going to be a journey of discovery for us all facing the loss of a loved one. You are fortunate if you have good friend and support. Build on this and find out what else can help you move forward. Often we just get stuck in grief and it takes us longer to Heal from this and also get our motivation back to Live. I am taking longer in this area also. Days I do nothing. Days I do too much. And days I may get it right. you will find your own level in time. There is no right or wrong way in grief. Do what works and Be patient with yourself whilst you find out what it is you want out of life and how you want your life to evolve in the days and months ahead. It is not easy. So give yourself the time and space you need. It will all work out in time. But for most of us we will never get back the life we wanted or hoped for. It is so very Cruel to be in this place.

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