On this day 18 years ago

by Jmn
(Buffalo, New York usa)

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death, two days ago was my birthday. Happens every year the reminder of life and death ever since my mom died two days after my sixteenth birthday, she was 44. She had a brief fight w colon cancer, we all thought she was coming home... I wasn't aware she was sick until she was in hospice, during that time period I was going through surgery for a birth defect and my doctors didn't think the added stress would help with healing, and like I said, we all thought she was coming home. After she died I felt like I coped fairly well, still driven in life and school and sports etc. went away to Boston for college graduated and became a PT met a wonderful man and got married. I missed her in all those moments but thought all these good times she was with me. However after a few years things were strained in my marriage, we separated, and after much thought and love still in our hearts decided to reconcile. Or so I thought and now I am facing the end of a 14 year relationship and divorce and I feel like never before how much I need my mom. I'm lost without the identity I had in that relationship and I swear I feel like I'm grieving my mom all over again. Or worse because of the way time seems to deepen those scars that remain. Wishing she was here to give me guidance, or just a hug. Feeling the loss of the moments we never shared, the disappointment I feel in the failure of my situation after a life of trying to make her proud both while she was alive and since. People always say what a wonderful woman she was which is bittersweet because those memories for me when I was young fade with time. She was such an angel in life but it has been 18 years today since she took her last breath. People say nice things like she's with you looking over you, but I don't seem to feel it right now, at least not in the way I thought I felt it before when I didn't need her like I do now. I keep my heart open for a sign and try to keep my chin up and day by day I will find my way. I'm just missing her more today. I'm not sure why I wrote this but perhaps in some cosmic way the Internet, a boundless entity, and the world beyond may cross paths, I guess it's kinda like praying in two dimension.
I love you mom <3

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