One month anniversary

by Leona

My dad’s name was Walter Welker. He died last month on March 7. He was a veteran and we buried him at the national cemetery. I know he was not doing great medically, but I expected he had more time to live. I was planning his and moms 35th wedding anniversary for this year. I knew the theme, and got someone to do the small ceremony for them to renew their vows. They had a horrible wedding, and I wanted to give them something special. I just wish I had done it sooner, now it is too late.

In ways I am so angry with the VA doctor who took care of my dad, not his counselor, but his main doctor. Dad was on so much medication, some of the side effects of some of the meds were weight gain. My dad grew large, his ankles swollen to the size of melons, he could not wear shoes, and his legs were white from dead skin cells. The doctor said my dad was just eating too much, that he needed to go on a diet and loose weight; he refused to believe that the medications were just making him larger.

I wish my dad tried to walk, but between his weight and his bad knees he barely could move, but to his credit, he never got a scooter unless it was in a store, and he never did use a wheelchair, except when mom was in the hospital last year. I just wish that the doctor did more for my dad before the end.

As I said, it’s the one month anniversary, one month ago my dad died and I sIt here typing and hurting, wondering why he was taken so soon after I forgave him for hurting me in my past. Why I did not have more time with him, he would have only been 60 this year if he lived till his birthday.

I wonder if praying that God would heal and end my dad’s suffering was the reason he died. Did God answer my prayers only for it to be what I did not want, was that the only way for God to end my dad’s suffering? Was it because I was planning their 35th anniversary kill him, did he give up on living? I don’t mean to blame myself, but these questions keep coming to me.

I am not married yet, don’t have children and it hurts, my dad will never walk me down the aisle; he will never hold his first grandchild, his grandchildren will never know their grandfather as I never knew my grandmother.

Right now things seem so unfair, so painful, and so raw. I am trying to allow myself to grieve, but I have always hated crying, and every time I find myself crying I try to stop myself, telling myself I need to be stronger. I don’t know how to give in to my feelings, to allow myself to be strong enough to allow myself to cry.

I miss him so, wait for me dad, one day many years from now I will see you again, I have to hold onto that hope.

Comments for [One month anniversary]

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May 14, 2010
I understand
by: Anonymous

When I read your letter, it too hit home with me. My father died last week at the VA hospital as well. I watched them make many mistakes with him and it makes me so very angry. I too wished that I had done something more, asked more questions and felt that I could have done something to force them to make him better.

I saw it coming but still had hope till the very last minute. I kept imagining him coming home and everything going back to normal again. But it didn't. I just want you to know, I am feeling the same pain, guilt, anger and frustration. My heart is hurting so very badly and sometimes I wonder if it will ever go away. I suppose only time will tell.

Apr 07, 2010
I Can Relate
by: Sandy


I just had to comment on your letter. I can relate to so much of what you said. My husband died a year ago in the VA Hospital and I cannot express enough the anger I had at those doctors. I even had screaming matches with them. I also prayed for God to spare Mack the suffering and then he was gone. Then I blamed God for taking him. I wanted him to come home and be okay and for life to go back to normal. I didn't want what came to me after he died and nothing is the same.

I blamed myself because we were having marital problems, that must be the reason he got sick and passed away. I blamed myself for not making him stop drinking because he had liver disease. I blamed myself that I should have done something else at the hospital, should I have asked more questions, should I have demanded less answers, what? Somehow, it must have been MY fault. And honestly, I still feel that way.

The grief that I have been through is so intense that it has almost completely changed me. I have lost so many people that I thought were my friends because of all the changes I have been through, most of them were due to financial difficulties because I am now a "widow", I hate that word. I lost my husband, my house, my job and by December, I was in bankruptcy. Before this happened, my life was so together and so stress-free but of course, I thought I had it so bad.

Please know that you were not to blame and that there are so many of us out here in so much pain. I don't think there is enough information out there about grief and how to get through it....maybe one of us should write a book, huh? You take care....

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