One more walk around the pond

I was 12 when I lost my Dad. 12 is a far off place now, but as I pass through different milestones in my life 12 comes back in an instant. I have graduated from High school, college, Americorps, I moved across the country and back and now I am getting married. You are back in my heart like the first day you left.

Except this time I am exhausted, I have carried you with me, a small child carrying the weight of his much larger Dad, never resting on the off chance you changed your mind. Or that one day the 875-8335 number would mean something again, that the voice on the other end would be you telling me when you are going to pick me up.

I feel embarrassed at times that I have not fully moved passed your loss, or sometimes I haven’t moved on at all. But you were my source to my spark, the storyteller who could weave a dream into a walk around the pond. The dreamy part of me never took root, it got replaced by loss and duty.

I miss you so much, I wish you could just fill in the blanks of years past. I want the fishing trips, the dunkin donuts, I want you to come out to me. I want to know your story. I want you to have the life that you should have had. I wanted you to visit me in SF how great would that have been? A road trip, baseball game, any of it, all of it.

What can I do to keep you alive in ways that are productive? How can I start over without you and wipe the slate clean? All the pain and grief has left me stuck in my own world/bubble full of static and stasis. I want to know that you are free and happy and I want your pat on my back to let go, let loose and have a great time.

I want forgiveness for my past trespasses and bad actions that stemmed from grief. I want to feel my feet on the floor again, rooted, centered, safe, solid, vibrant. I want to know that I deserve to be happy, healthy and free from suffering. And that suffering here won’t bring you back, won’t show you how much I care. I guess when I was younger I wanted to let you know that I would not go on either. Yes of course I had to go on in my body, but a big part of me died too, a strange allegiance that carried on for too long and now I don’t know how to fix it.

I miss you and wish you well. Maybe if I live my life and days so full it will seem like no time until we meet again.

Comments for One more walk around the pond

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Apr 10, 2010
Read My Mind . . .
by: Down Under

This was the most touching and amazing piece I have read on this site ! I lost my dad 8 months ago and you have just put pen to paper of what is in my mind and heart. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and showing me that what we are all going through is normal. It doesn't get easier with time, I think we just learn how to deal with it or then again, maybe just hide it away a little better than before. Once again, thank you . . . . Wish you well.

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