One partner 13 yrs..then a sudden accident and nervous breakdown

I had a idea,long ago,I was not very grounded,I was
finding myself,my jobs were loosely here/there,and
I was scattered,so my good buddy,said "you need a puppy"
well,I ADORE animals,this was a BIG deal.this baby became
my world,my "stone" she had terrible genetics,and almost
died,but we made it 13 yrs..with 2 last yrs,in horrible
failure of her health. I nursed her,and she passed. I prepared
and as they say "yep..but it does not prepare you". I fell into
deep shock,and prob normal grief. I have NO KIDS,and relied
on my partner( I do have a bf) and good family support elsewhere.
My photo book is completely filled,with this girl +me.

When I finally,stop bawling,I was so tramatized,I ran
to the pound,and rescued a different breed ( TERRIER)
,so I did not
fail to take care,work,and eat..It did not really work
to numb the pain,for a few months,it just was HARD WORK
messy,and he almost died ( from PARVO) right as I got him!!
I was then aware,he was sickly,he had complicated immune
problems,with IBS ( I think) . so I was RIGHT BACK into
nursing this doggy,shampoo rugs,and running myself ragged
with herbs,and home-made food. He was also terribly untrained
and ran,tried to escape,and had multiple issues,but finally
after 4 months of DEDICATION,we bonded. not to mention
the FINANCIAL STRESS IT TOOK when I was weak.

Unfortunely,he ran into a vehicle. I was AGAIN in the VETS
office,with a dying dog ( the same vet) and more FINANCIALLY no end...I did not even cry . for a day.

I then had what I deem a CLASSIC nervous breakdown.
I went into a rage like you see in the movies..,my BF stayed with me
I stopped eating,and just pushed myself to go into
spiritual groups ( theraputic) and keep working through
the grief.every group I could get too,I ran to it.

This was also just after my GOOD companion human friend
died suddenly from a heart attack ( nice timing)
so this became a triangle of complete hell.

I lied.I told people 'i have to give the new doggy away:
and just let my few close people know.
I had not a minute to process between all this in 6 months.

LIFE is not steady,good,although I have nothing
to complain about..there is a dark hole,that
gets filled,a bit,and I am not crying,but I am still
triggered,not as bad with PTSD. i WANT to remind you
all,this is also called "complicated grief" and its serious.

I fake my smile,and I have moments,I can enjoy pets
acually reading the stories,helps me heal.
Bless you,I hope you don't carry guilt,its horrible
and not true.

I call psychic,they help me understand,the second pup is
here to guide me,in spirit,and is happy to be rid of
his poor sickly casing ( body) and provide truth
spirit,and answers for this 2012 world we live in.

I am healing,by reading and talking about this.

Bless you all.

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