One Second He was there, the Next, he was gone. Not getting to say Goodbye and bearing the fact I was wrongfully disrespectful.

by Jordan

My Father was an amazing man. What separated him from everyone else was his ability to win friends and influence people. He had common sense, saw through B.S., and he had a heart that would help one of his greatest enemies. He didn't have any enemies though, because everyone loved him and he was the man... he made everyone laugh and feel good.... Often, I felt that his talent was crippled by his kindness and ability to get over things that people did wrong to him...

He was a man of many hats, a true Renaissance man if you will, who cut hair, sold and managed property, and designed and crafted old houses into newer houses. Very successful and had to face a lot of pain as a child growing up; his father, who invented the cigarette filter (which was sold for near to nothing prior to its patent approval), passed away when he was in grade school, and his eldest brother when he was an early teen. In the face of trauma, he triumphed, and made it look so easy because he could see no better way to respond.... as if it weren't a big deal and just common sense. He just knew they were in a better place, and handled it as he had to.

He had two sons, me and my younger brother, from two different moms. He was highly popular and could not help but get involved with highly independent women that would screw him out of his savings and put him through hell in court. Nonetheless, he had his pitfalls.... Slightly stubborn, constantly criticizing of my brother and I, allowed others to take advantage of his kindness. These minor pitfalls were the ones I retaliated against, because I felt like he was perfect.

We were in a fight, I moved back to his house for the summer after college. I had an internship, and we would constantly fight about how I would treat him and how he treated me. In retrospect, the fighting didn't stop because I just wanted my Dad to show his love for me. He's shown his love for me by sacrificing it all in my childhood in order to see me. I was being greedy, and I did have serious issues with myself prior to his death.

It was a Friday, the second week into my internship, when the fighting went to the extreme. He threatened to kick me out for being disrespectful. I sat down with my Aunt after work to talk about the state of affairs with my Dad..... I was being way too nit picky with him, way too critical, way too ungrateful...... He was amazing, and I'm so sorry for how I treated him... I wish I could have said goodbye to him. The next day he went boating with his girlfriend and dove in shallow water... He broke his neck and died..

I have felt so much pain, guilt, remorse, anger at myself for not enjoying my Dad for how great he really was.... Mad at myself for constantly getting on him about his health.... I thought he would go from a heart attack..... Now, only the good memories survive, but it kills me to know that the hero in those memories is physically gone. Often times I am in disbelief about it.... Dad wherever you are, you must be in a better place for the great man you were. I pay my respect to you everyday and I will for the rest of my life. All of the good lessons you taught me will be forever with me, and you will be forever in my heart. I will never hold a grudge or disrespect a great person ever again.

You are responsible for so much of what I accomplished, if not it all and I will continue to achieve greater heights with you in my heart. I would do anything to have you back. I love you Dad, more than anything. I hope you knew that and I hope you know that. I will see you again... one day. Until then I will talk to you and listen to you in my heart....

Comments for One Second He was there, the Next, he was gone. Not getting to say Goodbye and bearing the fact I was wrongfully disrespectful.

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Oct 07, 2012
One Second He was there, the Next, he was gone. Not getting to say Goodbye and bearing the fact I was wrongfully disrespectful.
by: Doreen U.K.

Jordan I am sorry for your loss of your Dad suddenly. WE all live with REGRETS for the things we said and wished we hadn't. WE also suffer REGRETS for the things we didn't say that would have honoured and respected our loved ones. I am a mom and I have the same battles. I lost my husband to cancer 5 months ago. Everyone changed in personality. My Adult children acted like strangers. They showed an insensitivity towards me and I felt it. I said something about it to my youngest daughter who is the only one who lives at home. Feelings were running high. She almost moved out of the home. This is how she interpreted my anger at her disrespect. I never want to live with this atmosphere again in the home. I am now overlooking a lot as a parent. I am not making demands on my children that they visit me or phone me. I am at an age when I will die. They will be in the same place as you. WISHING they had done things differently. WISHING they had spent more time with me. Life is hectic and busy. Very demanding. My children are caught up in a busy life. I soldier on. This is all I can do. this is just a little insight into what the parent thinks. As parents we FORGIVE our children their shortcomings. Your father would not be thinking the way you are. You are torturing yourself. things get blown out of proportion. They look bigger than they are when we are grieving. FREE YOURSELF from your GUILT. Your father can feel nothing now. Your father would have FORGIVEN you for your shortcomings. YOU can go on now in LIFE and make a difference to EMULATE the LIFE of this great man you call DAD.

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