One too many losses

by N.A.M.Y

It started when I was a young teen. I had a boyfriend and he and I were infatuated with one another, but he was very unfaithful even though we were both so serious so fast. I disconnected from friends because he was all that mattered, and since then I haven't been able to hold onto friendships for long at all. I became too distant to them and attached to him. He broke my heart so many times and I was only 15 and gave him my 'innocence.' So the guy I chose to be close to hurt me alot but he was my world. A year after we were together my mom died a week after her birthday and a week before I started 10th grade. She had cancer and bronchitis and her death was natural but strange and unexpected because she was doing great for months. She died in the seat behind me on the way to the ER. It was a few months before my sweet 16 and other than my boyfriend, she was my closest friend. A year later I got pregnant and I wanted to keep the baby but if I didn't, my boyfriend didn't have my back, and my brother and father turned on me and wanted me to kill it and made hurtful pregnant jokes. I basically had no one to support me emotionally, unconditionally. Out of stress, pressure, and depression I decided to give in and get an abortion, a loss I never wanted either and I was only 16 with no friends to truly lean on. My boyfriend and I didn't last long after that, but then I met the man I'm engaged to now and we've been together for 4 and a half years. My dad died 3 years after the abortion. He had diabetes but died suddenly also and we couldn't figure out the true cause, but I was the one who found his body and had to pick my older brother up from work and break the news to him before the coroners came to get the body. We were getting along fine by the time he died but then it ended so abruptly. My brother got engaged last year and moved to a different state to be with his fiancé, and I'm happy for him but I miss him, other than my fiancé, who is a great guy, my brother was the only other person really close to me, but now he's miles away. So lost my innocence and some close friends in 2006, mom died in 2007, unwanted abortion in 2008 and me and my first love broke up in 2008, dad died in 2011, and brother moved away in 2012. I have one good friend but I'm antisocial and he's busy with his wife and kids and being in the marines. I can't hold onto 99% of relationships because I'm distant, don't know how to be social for more than 5 minute, and any friends I do make have always moved away eventually. It's hard for me to get close to people for two reasons, I don't know what to say, and I'm so used to losing people I can't get attached. I'm marrying the man I love in less than a month and that's certain, but I'm due to have our first child in less than two months and I can't get attached because I'm scared something could go wrong even during delivery. I thought I feared nothing but I guess I do and I don't know what to call it and can't seek help

Comments for One too many losses

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Feb 16, 2013
Dear N.A.M.Y.
by: Pat

Dear Heart, Your life has been full of losses. With all of that, it just seems natural to be afraid of more losses. We both need to find happiness in what life has to offer. I lost 3 loved ones (brother, father, and fiance) in 2011. I am still trying to find myself and how to live without these loved ones. You are the lucky one. You have all kinds of happiness in front of you--a new baby and a wedding. WOW! Please don't set yourself up for more grief. Instead, focus on the new blessings you have found. A new husband and baby are a wonderful way to start your new life of happiness. I do understand why you are scared. Loss is all you know. I'm sure you are planning for a beautiful wedding and the arrival of the baby. Surround yourself with all the aspects of moving toward these positive events, such as flowers, pretty colors for the baby's room, stuffed animals, candles, fun baby clothes, etc. You mentioned that you cannot seek help. If that is because you think you cannot afford it, you can find help through a church, a Planned Parenthood agency, or your doctor might even be able to recommend a source for new mothers. You are not the first new mother who has been afraid. Motherhood does not come with a manual. You have the internet. Searching for help is at the tip of your fingers. You will find something. Have you tried to find a Meetup group for new mothers? There are Meetup groups of all kinds all over the country. Meeting with other new mothers would be a good way to make friends and learn too. I wish you much happiness. You will find it. Write back and let me know how you are doing. Pat

Feb 16, 2013
One too many losses
by: Doreen U.K.

N.A.M.Y. You have so much to deal with in the last few years and you probably have had one loss on top of another without time to catch your breath. Instead you have had relationships that have not gone well and now you are ready to have a baby with a lot of turmoil going on inside you.
You should seriously consider seeing a grief counsellor to help you cope with all the losses in your life. You would also gain support with what is going on now inside you and in your world of turmoil.
You owe it to yourself and your baby. You will be giving your baby the best start in life otherwise your child could suffer long term due to your emotional upheaval. If you did decide to nurse your baby yourself you would transfer any anxiety to your child and you would then have more problems to deal with. Best to get support for yourself now. You won't regret it. You will then go on to enjoy life and put everything into correct perspective. Stress could harm your unborn child. Counselling is not as daunting as it sounds. It is such a liberating experience. Counselling would also help your relationship and you would have a better start in life with this valuable support. I hope all goes well with your pregnancy and birth and that life will improve for you in time.

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