One year ago today was my first post

by Barb
(North Dakota)

Our last picture before he was killed.

Our last picture before he was killed.

For any of you that have had a recent loss. It's true at first you feel like there is no way that you can go on. It's also true that the pain gets easier to handle.

This was my first post exactly one year ago today.
So much has happened in the past year. This site has been very helpful.

My life has changed so much from the time I wrote this post. First I got the insurance settlement which really wasn't a big amount. It was enough to get me a reliable vehicle and a place to live that I can afford on my own. We have moved to a different state, closer to my older daughter and my grandbabies. I have put the girls in school which I had been home schooling them. That almost felt like another loss to me because it meant that I was home alone all day. A new town where I really didn't know anybody.

By forcing myself to stop feeling sorry for myself and lonely I have been meeting other people. I have been helping at a small cafe and volunteer when I hear that anybody needs help. This has helped a lot.

The only thing that is still hanging on from the accident is my step-son. He seems to think there was a "big hunk" of money he was suppose to receive. He was not raised by Randy and it is noticeable. He wanted nothing to do with his dad when he was alive. He is 25 years old. Randy was able to make do with what he had and if somebody else needed it more he would give it to them. His son on the other hand is only thinking about money. At first he acted like he wanted to get to know his sisters and be part of their life but that was only to find out info on when the settlement came in. We have not heard from him except through my lawyer since that time.

I have only made it as far as I have with the help from God. The verse that I have hung on to is:
"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling" (Psalm 68:5)
God is my Father, my confidant, my helper through all of this.

My advice is to keep reading posts to remember we are not the only ones going through this and God is only as far away as us open our mouth and asking for help.

Randy 12-21-60--9-3-09
by Barbara

My husband was taken away from me suddenly. He was on his way home from work on his motorcycle and a lady turned in front of him. It happened at 5:30 in the afternoon and they didn’t get a hold of me until 2:30 in the morning. I didn’t make it to the hospital until 5 due to having to get somebody to stay with our daughters. We have 2 daughters ages 10 & 12.

When I walked into the room I didn’t feel any spirit in him at all. We were so close I know I would have felt something. He was being kept alive by the respirator. I believe he actually died at the scene of the accident. Everybody asks was he wearing a helmet. He didn’t wear one and it isn’t a law in Colorado. Even if he would have been wearing one it would not have saved his life. The accident shattered his C-3 vertebrae and separated his C-2 about 5 inches from his spine, which severed his brain stem. I made the easiest decision that I have made since he died that day. I had him taken off life support. He would never have wanted to live that way.

Since that day I have had such a hard time. Today happens to be a day that I miss him so much. Tomorrow is my birthday and the day after that would have been our 14th anniversary. It also is the anniversary date that we first met 17 years ago. The girls are having a hard time also. The 10 year old was daddy’s girl and she has taken this really hard. I try to be strong for them, to try and help them through this but I am having such a hard time. We have spent several hours just holding each other and crying together.

Then I have to deal with insurances, which I have now handed over to an attorney. All the decisions are so hard when you always shared things with your spouse before deciding.

I want this all to be a dream but I know that it’s not.

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