One Year and Then What?

by Pat

I lost my husband when he was 66, 1 day short of 67, and I was 65. I had a temporary job, and we were on a one-month vacation when he became ill (MRSA and his aging kidney transplant). I was numb for most of the 6 weeks he fought for his life. He and God talked, and then it was over. I lost my temporary job, too, because naturally I was out and the work needed to be done. Whether the job would have helped, I'll never know, but I do know that I struggled through the first year, and now that deep sadness of being without him has returned. It is the beginning of spring again, and the cold and cloudy days don't help either. I find myself wondering if anyone else gets up in the morning and faces the prospect of no one needing you, and indeed realizing there is nothing to do. The ebb and flow of energy has ebbed at the moment, and I am hoping that spring's warmer days will help. And when does loneliness and depression distinguish itself? Am I just lonely, feeling sorry for myself, truly missing my husband and our meaningless chats. Some days I feel overwhelmed, and I know it is grief that keeps me from handling a situation as I would have done once. I go to the store, and am momentarily diverted, but as soon as I walk back into my house, it's there, the stark emptiness. I want to scream that I am too young, and yet too old to begin a new career. Am I too old for another relationship? Do I want one? How do you know? The feeling of uselessness is accentuated by the loss of the one person I was going to grow old with. I'm not old yet. I wish for all of you that the walk of grief will be kind to you. I pray for all of us that we find the path that God surely has laid out for us. Thanks for letting me talk.

Comments for One Year and Then What?

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Apr 05, 2011
seek and yee? shall find (happiness)
by: HH


I am all to familiar with the ebb and flow of emotions that you are having. It is a good idea to keep an open mind when grief may have turned into depression. Do not be too proud to get help. I was in a funk after I hit the year mark for a month or so and began to wonder where is the line between grief and depression? I did begin to finally crawl away from the uncaring thinking that made it so hard to do more than work and sleep.

With spring here I did find my mood rising and felt that odd sensation of...a smile. Last spring I resented the seasons changing and the fact that I had to face each season alone.

I am a 16 monther tomorrow. Wow one year and 4 months...Happiness will come to you if you embrace even the smallest of joys with a sense of satisfaction. Watch some crazy indecisive squirrel cross the road. Make little jokes like yeah I feel that way too. What ever it takes to amuse yourself in the smallest of ways.

I have heard some people say they felt some guilt laughing without the one that they loved to laugh with. Personally I was so damn glad to feel he sensation of glee that I felt no guilt whatsoever.
I had begun to think I would never laugh again.

Having survived the first year of grief, my worst days behind me I can appreciate the good days and accept that occasionally there will be memories that try to bite and snap at my inner strength.

Recovery time becomes easier and eventually the love we had for them will make life that much more important knowing that it can be taken in the blink of an eye.

My best to your in this hard long journey. One day you will know that any happiness you find you deserve.

Apr 05, 2011
One year
by: M Mack

Hi Pat,

I hear you loud and clear! It does keep returning and Ive been trying to deal with the same issues. It's terrible and I think depression does set in. The worst part of all this is to accept the new life. Once we accept the fact that we are alone, go through it, cry and relieve the pressure, we are enabled to file this part of our past and use it toward the new beginning.

After you relive the most hurtful things that happened, you will
find comfort. Have you been to any support groups? That has helped me and I also did some channeling for added support, not that everyone is into that. You can go crazy if you don't know where to draw the line on that stuff. You can only do so much during your road to recovery and only take on what you can handle, you know the rules, one day at a time. We're here for you Pat so keep writing and venting. We
are all in this together and we do care. My best to you, hang in there.

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