One Year and Then What?

by Pat
(Nebraska)

I lost my husband when he was 66, 1 day short of 67, and I was 65. I had a temporary job, and we were on a one-month vacation when he became ill (MRSA and his aging kidney transplant). I was numb for most of the 6 weeks he fought for his life. He and God talked, and then it was over. I lost my temporary job, too, because naturally I was out and the work needed to be done. Whether the job would have helped, I'll never know, but I do know that I struggled through the first year, and now that deep sadness of being without him has returned. It is the beginning of spring again, and the cold and cloudy days don't help either. I find myself wondering if anyone else gets up in the morning and faces the prospect of no one needing you, and indeed realizing there is nothing to do. The ebb and flow of energy has ebbed at the moment, and I am hoping that spring's warmer days will help. And when does loneliness and depression distinguish itself? Am I just lonely, feeling sorry for myself, truly missing my husband and our meaningless chats. Some days I feel overwhelmed, and I know it is grief that keeps me from handling a situation as I would have done once. I go to the store, and am momentarily diverted, but as soon as I walk back into my house, it's there, the stark emptiness. I want to scream that I am too young, and yet too old to begin a new career. Am I too old for another relationship? Do I want one? How do you know? The feeling of uselessness is accentuated by the loss of the one person I was going to grow old with. I'm not old yet. I wish for all of you that the walk of grief will be kind to you. I pray for all of us that we find the path that God surely has laid out for us. Thanks for letting me talk.