by Tonya Ouimet

Sometimes in life we are deeply touched by visions as well as thoughts of the past. Unexpectedly we are brought to the pain of the past. It is up to us how we react to it, it is up to us if we let that pain forever control us, keeping us trapped in that pain. For me the one year mark was a true test to myself as well as my future ahead.

Laying in bed the night before May 9, 2012 a year since I forever said good-bye to my one true love of my life. A year since our beautiful little girl lost her daddy, the one love that loved her bigger than life. I could feel in my heart the pain was just the same as it was on that day one year before.

Shockingly I realized just how much pain lay ed within me as well as my heart. It was then I realized it will be with all my power how I decide to make it through this day. When presented with the unexpected pain, I truly see now how some feel as though there is really no way out, that staying in the pain is the only option. When dealing with such over powering pain it is as though the darkness is pulled over your eyes, the darkness shuts down all of you. I truly see how it can be easy to just let it be. On this day the pain felt as though it did on the day May 9, 2011 one year later. Nothing changed as I remembered it was the day I had to let go of my loved one passed. That the pain was the exact same as it was then one year later.

Not one person can change the choice you make. As an individual it is truly up to us as a person to reach in our hearts for the light, to pull back the hope, to forever fight back when presented with the pain. So on this day, the day of the one year mark, I was pushed back two steps, it totally took all of me by surprise that it would feel the way it did, complete heart breaking pain. When presented with such horrific pain we have to use all of what we have in us to pull our life back on to the path of light. For me this was a true test to everything I have spoken of in all my posts.

So here I say to all of you, do not judge your hearts for the pain you feel. Do not allow yourself to think it should be easier, that something is wrong with you for feeling the pain even after a year. Allow your hearts to feel it all, take it all in, good with bad, just do not let that take over of your life, don't let it rob you of your future. Understand that this surge of unexpected pain will from time to time always reappear to us, understanding it is not there to stay, only if you allow it not to. Do not allow yourself to feel that you have failed in any way due to the fact you feel it should not feel so painful still. Our hearts will forever feel it, our hearts will forever remember it. Embrace the pain yet do not let it hold you hostage of your life.

To all I say CELEBRATE, your loved ones passed may no longer be seen but forever live on through us. Celebrate them, celebrate your life you had with them. It is through our love along with happiness they forever grow to never be forgotten. On this day I took the pain, yet worked through it, not allowing it to ruin how it was I would celebrate my TRUE LOVE. Understanding that my loved one passed love was so much more worth then giving in, after all it was through him I discovered there was nothing I could not do in this life I live. Thinking to myself, the pain was never a part of our life together, so why allow it to be now?. Still to this very day I feel the affect of the one year mark anniversary in my heart. Rising above is truly how you shed the layers of pain, fighting back to enjoy our loved ones passed is how the pain becomes less and less.

Celebrating for me could be different for others. On the day of the one year mark I visited his grave, sent him my love. While standing before his stone I discovered a four leaf clover, my heart felt the touch of his love very deeply. It was in that moment I realized our loved ones passed are forever watching out for us, that even though not seen they still walk with us. Our loved ones passed will forever be blessing our lives, they forever want us to smile, to succeed, to live our life to the best. My whole body just felt his love, I just knew he was there with me reminding me they will forever be our gift, they will forever bless our lives with the truest of love. After that we did all of his favourite things, we let go of balloons of notes filled with our best memories, we gathered with the people that loved him the most, candles were lit and his life was of celebration not pain nor loss.

So when embarking on the one year mark I say to you, don't let yourself believe that it should not hurt like it does, do not judge your heart, don't compare your love with time. We are forever going to be challenged with this pain, our hearts will never forget. It is in how we deal with the pain is what matters, to allow yourself to live in the pain is what degrades our loved ones passed, being stuck in pain is like saying their love was pain, I know for all of you that is not true, so don't allow it to be.

Our loved ones passed love was brighter then any light in this world, it did not fill us with pain so why keep allowing yourself to shut down to the world. Our loved ones passed love is there, it is their love that allows us to grow, to reach the stars, to conquer what ever it is we can dream of.

On this day there were so many blessings that took place to only prove to me that all of what I said is true. They are the light in our life that will forever be instilling blessings all around us every day. Their love is what forever paves our paths to a life full of dreams coming true. Take the day to love yourself as well as your loved ones passed, go easy on your hearts, release your judging heart, walk with love, just love as well as celebrate.

Through out this day I recognised how I kept feeling so happy yet feeling very sad, I kept asking myself, " how can you feel so happy along with pain at the same time"?, I thank Deepak Chopra for answering this question on this day, he said "life can be bitter sweet". Take the time to feel the pain, yet understand that the pain is not how are loved ones passed made us feel. Celebrate their love, remember the one best memory that always brings that bright smile to your face. Allow the bad memories to be remembered another day, the bad memories will never out do the good ones.

Do not expect that due to it being a whole year it should be easier, that will never be, we lost a life, we lost our life, that will forever be remembered. Grieving will forever be in our hearts, that to us is our battle scar that we look at with pride, that is the scar that shows the world we all were gifted from God with TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

All I want everyone to know is to not give up, to give up is to let go of our loved ones passed love, it's letting go of our truest of happy life we shared with them. Celebrate them, show them their love will forever be remembered, show them our hearts are so very thankful to them. Also I say time is time, time has no limits on grief, we all go through our lives living our life, life is not a race, life is just simply to be lived, we get to where we need be when ever that may be. Our time is our time, not for others to say how it should be.

NOTE TO ALL: Do not ever compare yourself to others, we are all uniquely designed to live our life with a purpose of being here in this world. On the day of your one year mark, celebrate your love, take that love to keep going through each day celebrating that love, celebrating our loved ones passed gift to us, TRUE LOVE. Take that gift out to the world, it's a gift given to us to share with the world. Take the time to see the reminders around you that our loved ones passed are showing to our hearts.

Tonya O


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Jul 05, 2012
Mari anf four leaf clover
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much for sharing with me it is deeply touched that you all are so willing to share your life with me thank u for that beautiful story about four leaf clovers that is a huge touch of comfort. Mari I am so glad to hear that you are doing well and sounds like you have so much love around you and that is a very important thing when grieving. I thank you so much truly do. It is quite a journey we lead in grieving and we all must keep in our hearts that we are not meant to be suffering n holding on to pain. Through it there is light if u allow yourself to feel that true love u were blessed with from our loved ones passed. I send u all much love and blessings u will all always be in my thoughts and prayers

Tonya Ouimet widowinthecity

Jul 04, 2012
lots of love 2u both
by: Anonymous

I really with all my heart understand u both n understand thqt we all do this differently grief is each our own in different ways n sonetimes the pain feels so horrific u cant ever think of anything elae but to u both u just have to hold on give it all ur strength n for our loved ones passed try to get our hopes back because where they are that is what they need to be happy to u both must know thqt talkin as much as u can about ur feelings is a must. do not apologise fir feelin the way u do I still do many days trust me n often feel the same if I had the best then why want anything else well because someone else out there will be the best in their own way i kno hard to think but it is the truth what i want u to see is all the time we are upset here it stops our loved ones passed from progressing in the spirit world the pain is yes very strong but please know it is not there to stay. Huge hugs n so much love to u both xoxo

Tonya O

Jul 04, 2012
Four leaf clover
by: Anonymous

Hi tonia,
I just wanted to let you know that exactly a month after my 57 year old mom passed away, which also was coincidently on st. Patrick's day, I also found a four leaf clover. Actually I made a wish and I found two more a couple of minutes later. A very close Irish friend told me that when someone finds a four leaf clover, this means that an angel came and visited them. I just wanted to share this hope with you. It sure made me feel better to think that such a miraculous thing could happen. Sending love your way, syl

Jul 04, 2012
One year mark
by: Mari

Tanyo, Your message is so beautifully written. It reflects God's healing and love. It is a real blessing to all of us who have gone through this.We do feel both joy and sorrow at the same time as there are so many emotions involved. Your loved one is with the Lord. There is pain involved and then healing in the wings. God's love is so real. The thing is that the healing comes gradually and is different with everyone.At times we are overwhelmed with memories and other times we cry and sometimes we laugh when we think of the little things they said.Obviously you have held on to Jesus and are coming along and here you are encouraging others.
I am on my 3rd year now without my sweetheart and I am doing well. I always remember the grand children adoring their grandpa. He loved every baby that came a long. There were 3 grandchildren born in less then a month and my husband lavished gifts and love on them.They are 18 yrs old now. It was nonstop for a while and he was there whenever a new one arrived. There are 19 grandchildren in all including a great granddaughter and great great for my mother.My mom and dad miss him too and my husband would have adored the great grand baby. The 3 yr old Desiree still remembers him but we are not sure why as she was very young.
The 1st year can be hard but I always prayed and kept my faith.I cried a lot.Iaalso felt his presence in my home and so did my grandchildren.
I remember taking care of him and believe me he was stoic and not easy at times . His last words to me were,''I love you so much.'' I can laugh when thinking of him teasing me about my ''fine flyaway hair'' and then him saying,''I am dying Honey.''I asked him if he had faith in God and he said,''Oh yes.''
I bought him a leather chair right before he went to be with the Lord the grandkids are very careful to keep it clean and it still looks new after all this time.It has been a mixture of joy and sorrow. His love for my children and grandchildren was amazing.And for me he wanted me to have everything my heart desired. He was jealous though and truly in charge and needed reassurance that he was my only love. I reminded him that working 3 facilities allowed little time for anything but work. Recently while taking ROP classes I was overwhelmed by a fleeting memory.
It occurred to me that I needed to press the onstar button and let him know where I was.I nearly did. I always let him know where I was.It was strange but memories can come up. Anyway God bless you. You sound like a wonderful lady. We are here for you whenever you want to say whatever is on your mind and heart.

Jul 03, 2012
Thanks for sharing
by: Diego

I Tonya, I'm so happy to read your post and hope someday I could say the same words as you do right now…my brother past away 1 month ago, “Sudden Death”…all I can say at this moment is that the pain is unbearable, my brother is the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last when I go to sleep…all his memories hit me like bombs, not sure if can make it to the 1 year mark as you did…anyway thanks for sharing your experience and hope someday I can celebrate his memory with love and joy.

Jul 03, 2012
BITTER But Trying To Be Sweet!
by: Anonymous

My one year came and went. For the first year I had hope that I might be able to actually feel happy and excited about life again. I've watched all the Oprah Super Soul Sundays, listened to Deprak Chopra and TD Jakes. I've read all the grief books and know what I should and shouldn't be feeling. Now reality is setting in for sure....There is NOTHING about this new life that I like without my husband. I've tried. I'm over it. I guess I will just spend the rest of my life drifting until it is time to join him.
One day at a time is too difficult for me. I am very happy that my husband's earthly suffering is over. My true suffering began the day he left me. I know God is good. I know I will see my husband again some day but once I had the best I just cannot acclimate to anything less. I've tried.
I'm glad that you have come to the point you are. It's good to celebrate a person's life. I thank my husband for two beautiful children, for 38 happy years (and not so happy years) together, I know what he taught me. I'm truly a better person for having had him in my life.
The bible teaches us to become one as man and wife. When we are torn in half the remaining half wonders what we did to deserve this horrific pain. We can't let the pain consume us but it isn't something that is magically erased at the one year mark. We don't wake up the day after and say ~ OK....well that sucked BUT I MADE THROUGH. Lets' move on.
I also know that is not what you meant by this beautifu heart felt post. I'm sorry to sound so negative. I'm being real. I know I'm here for a reason ~ without my husband I just know what that is.
After the one year mark my life became much more bitter than sweet. I hope nothing but good things for you and your children. God bless ~ you are a very brave young woman.

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