One Year Today.......Not Much Moving

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One Year Today.......Not Much Moving

by Trish Jones
(Chicago)

If Tears Could Build A Stairway.......
And memories a lane.........
I would climb right up to heaven.......
AND BRING YOU HOME AGAIN........

One year ago today was the most horrible day of my life. My husband Joe was taken to heaven never having realized our dream of his heart transplant. We fought the medical system at the VA for almost 2 years before we took him to civilian doctors at the University of Chicago. We did this knowing we would face bankruptcy and home foreclosure. Those things didn't matter. Saving his life did. I would do it all over again in “A HEART BEAT.”

It's been a struggle but I've made it through the first year. My entire family is fighting with each other and life long relationships have been broken probably for good. With Joe here ~ I never knew we all had so much to argue about. Our anchor is gone and without him we are all just drifting. The water has been really rough these past few months.

I don't know what I was thinking. I've been on this web site so much. I have gotten such wonderful support. I've read posts here in which several of my new friends stated that things seemed to have gotten worse the second year. Not me. I'm a nurse. Been there, done that, seen it all. I'm a strong and together person. Well.....

Today as I sit here all alone (that's the way I wanted it), I feel like it was just yesterday when the doctor came out and said, “I'm so sorry – there is nothing more we can do.” My brain shut down at that point. Without my daughter, son and sister I would've never made it. I was in total shock for 90 days. When I think about the desperate crying as I was trying to go to sleep for the first six months....that has maybe eased a bit. Thanksgiving was my last “first” to get through. He was here last Thanksgiving - thinking about that brought me to a two day black hole. I have more good days than bad. Is it wrong to want to get to the point that I have maybe 90% good days? I know the bad days will always be a part of me and that's OK.

I posted here many months ago that I just couldn't ever consider taking my wedding ring off. My daughter was married in October (without her dad) and I passed along my center diamond to be put in the setting she chose. It was the right thing to do. My wedding ring is now on my other hand with his birthstone where the diamond once was, the two smaller diamonds on either side representing us. It's now my “eternity” ring.

I want to wish all the wonderful, caring and compassionate people on this site the most joyous of holidays. I have to spend the next year trying to remind myself to live in the present, not to worry about things I can't change anyway, and to not feel so sorry for myself.

I can keep and honor my husband's memory ~ I just can't live in it anymore. I know he's happy where he is. He loved me. He would want me to be happy. I'll try.

God Bless.

Comments for
One Year Today.......Not Much Moving

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Not Moving Much But you Are
by: Judith in California

Trish, You and I are about 2 1/2 months from each other in this grieving journey. You have done well but like me we're still holding on. I have been really sick since Thanksgiving and most of the days I've cried my eyes out wishing him here again for comfort. Guess it made me realize just how alone I am. I choose to still wear my ring until such time maybe someone really special will make me want to remove it. I joined a senior dating site but now wish I had not. Am just not ready yet and really don't know if I'll ever be because I had the love of my life with Chuck. The idea of starting all over with anyone is frighting. I want who I had and the life we made still. We have our days when we do just fine but the nights can bring on such lonely tones. It's till hard for me to hear music we liked and danced to without crying. We will always love them no matter what. And that's alright too.

You may not feel as if you're moving on but you are . You are strong and a delightful woman.

One year
by: M Mack

Trish,

This grief is the worst thing I have ever been through. Yes without the wonderful people on this site, especially you-I'd be a wreck! We can and will do this. We have a support system of others who really know our feelings. Don't worry about the ring. That center diamond will be cherished by your daughter just as you did for many years. The eternity ring is a good idea. It represents you, moving forward and Joe along side of you. We change as people whether our loves are here or not. My new thing is to be a terrible driver. Yep, I dont deserve a drivers license. Yesterday as I drove out of the mall parking lot i turned too close to a pole and took my side mear out and really dented the passenger side of my car. I probably should have wrapped the whole car around that pole but lucky me. I'm fine and it's only a car. It just made me realize I need to get started living. Stop living in my past and look ahead.

We try so hard to make it and usually fake it well. Now with all the holiday festivities, we have to try harder to be happy. Ray was always there to comfort, give big hugs and support like Joe. Now we have to do it ourselves. I miss him so much especially now.

Keep writing and reading, use your faith. I know the year anniversary date was hard, but you have other anniversaries slowly approaching. So gather your strength, mind over matter and pray for a little help from above. Joe wants you to win and you will do this. Sending you hugs and praying we can find comfort in our lives in the near future.

One year today
by: Pat J

Dear Trish,
What courage you have. I hope and pray that I can have your courage.
The funeral home had a holiday memorial for all of the loved ones who died this past year today. My Red is gone 5 months, yet it seems like forever and then again it feels like just yesterday. Seeing his photo on a large screen again brought tears. Our youngest daughter came with me. We were able to pick out a Christmas ornament for the tree and our loved ones name was attached to it and we hung it on the tree. After the holidays we get to bring the ornament home. I told my daughter to pick out the ornament. She picked out an angel. I will always cherish that angel ornament-a memto of my loving husband.
All we can do for the rest of our lives is cherish the memory of our husbands and be so grateful for the years we did have together, No one can ever take those times away from us.
I wear my wedding ring and on my right hand I wear my husbands wedding ring. I have no intention of ever taking either ring off. I will always be married to him. He's the only man I ever had and will take that to my grave with me. I will never love like that again.
We all have to really be very strong women to live with such heartbreak. I talked with my husbands mom yesterday. She's 91 and always asks me how I am doing. She was a widow at 51. It will be 40 years in January she lost her husband. She told me we just have to go on living, but life is never the same.
I am so grateful I found this site so soon after my husband died. I shed tears reading other posts, because we all share so very much-feelings,stories of our loved ones and WE ALL GET IT.
With Christmas coming, my children ask me what I want for Christmas, tell them they can't give me what I want-I WANT RED BACK WITH ME. ALL I HAVE ARE PICTURES AND MEMORIES. I am so grateful for the 46 years we had. It sometimes feels unbearable to go on without him, but I know with One Day At A Time , in time I will make it, just like you.
You are a wonderful lady and I enjoy reading your posts. IF YOU EVER COME TO GREEN BAY,WISCONSIN I REALLY WOULD ENJOY MEETING YOU.

You are moving more than you realize...
by: Anonymous

Trish,

I too am nearing the anniversary of My Love's death. It will be 2 years Dec 6th. And you should be proud of yourself getting through the first year, I have not forgotten how hard that was. The memories of grief that first year diminish enough to survive the 2nd year. I will not say that I have forgotten that 1st year nor will I ever forget the pain that I went through as you have. I do know that nearing the 2nd year. The memories are flooding my mind of what was, what is and the regrets pop up much to my dismay. I do know that for the most part I am probably sitting at 75% of my new normal. For the most part the days are good and I accept that I will always miss my Love. But it is the here and now that I now live, trying to make the most of each moment. Doing things taking small risks that was never my way of doing things. I have seen concerts all summer. Went to many museums that would have probably have bored hubby. Generally did anything within reason that I wanted to. The independence is nice though oddly different. It is for the most part a new life one that we did not want or ask for but in this 2nd year I make the most of things. I know that you will find contentment within yourself as I have. My best to you not just today but all the days that follow...
Hope

Thank You
by: Trish

Thank you Geoffrey. You are such a wonderful kind person. I'm sending you a big hug.
PJ

Thank you
by: Ruth from Delaware

Trish,
Thank you so much for your telling of where you have been, where you are and where you are going. I lost my only child, Mikey (26 years old) in June of 2010.

I have many of the same feelings about the process as you have so eloquently written. I think that when you have real love in your life, even in death it remains Our loved ones are now in a very different realm and they are in a sense different, yet the same. I too feel that Mikey would want me to be happy. Where he dependended on Mom he is now free of fear and mental illness and can now look at me in a different light. I feel that he wants me to go on and thrive. it is a way to honor him.

We make that choice or nor whether we realize it to move beyone. We can as you say, continue to feel sorry for ourselves (and there is a time for this)or decide to move past that. I know that everyone grieves in their own way and their own time. However, I also know that I have the power to allow my Grief to influence and heal me, not control me.

A nice gentleman made a comment on how lucky and blessed you were to have the love that you had with Joe. He said that he would want it even if he knew he would lose it. That is an awesome statement. I too had a wonderful relationship with my son that we worked for, I lost my son and my friend. I would do it all again, even if I knew that on Jun the 4th 2010 he would not wake up from sleep but his heart would simply stop beating and he would be gone. I guess thats the power of love and it does conquer all. Much love and peace to you Trish.

What I found in reading about Joe
by: Geoffrey Campbell

I found beauty in your telling us about your love for Joe, I was in awe as I thought what an jewel he must have been, to have struck such a chord in your heart, and what a rare jewel he had in you Trish. All my life I have hungered to have a wife, someone who needed me. I am just a short 5'5" unattractive man, but a gentleman who longed for to have what you have, for you see, there will come a time when once again you will hear his voice lovingly mentioning your name, and see his smile, for if there is anything I am sure of, is that there is God, and not just God, but a loving God, Who will one day tell us "why" we lost and grieved, and I can say this, if I may, that He is not to blame, and that He sees your tears, for it says in Isaiah, "In all our suffering God suffers." Dear Trish, you truly were, and are, blessed, to have such a wonderful man as Joe. I only pray that I may sometime experience such love, even if it may be lost, that loss is temporary, dear Trish. I will pray that you will find encouragement in this site, and in the fact that God does love you, though circumstances and loss may come our way, God loves you. Your friend in Scranton Pennsylvania

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One Year Today.......Not Much Moving

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One Year Today.......Not Much Moving