So it came that first mark. One year. I cried, I went to work I cried some more.
I survived the first year. Am I better, I guess that is how you define better, I do not break into hysterical crying very much. I find myself moving through life kind of like walking through a pool of water, I have no real direction it is just the motion that keeps me going. There are, however, some things I know for certain after this first year. John was the love of my life. I will never be complete without him, ever. I think we as widows choose how we go through this life that is forced upon us. Some embrace the new person they have become, some look for a new partner, and there are those like me who embrace the life we had. I still sleep with John’s shirt, I still talk to him, I still make decisions based on what I know he would like. I do not believe there is a right or a wrong, there is what you need to do to survive the most horrific loss in you life.
What I can tell you is, no matter what road you take, you do survive, battle scarred and weary you move forward. We do it for our family, we do it for ourselves, and we do it because they would expect us to. For those of you at the beginning of this journey, the searing pain you feel does recede, it does not go away, but it becomes livable.
I can also say that I personally would not have survived this year without this site and those of you who have become my friends. There was no place else I could be as honest, say those things I could never say to those around me, and get the enormous support, and empathy and love. I want to thank all of you.
So we shall continue this road, as always ones breathe, one step, one day at a time