ONE YEAR

by Zoe
(Maryland)

So it came that first mark. One year. I cried, I went to work I cried some more.
I survived the first year. Am I better, I guess that is how you define better, I do not break into hysterical crying very much. I find myself moving through life kind of like walking through a pool of water, I have no real direction it is just the motion that keeps me going. There are, however, some things I know for certain after this first year. John was the love of my life. I will never be complete without him, ever. I think we as widows choose how we go through this life that is forced upon us. Some embrace the new person they have become, some look for a new partner, and there are those like me who embrace the life we had. I still sleep with John’s shirt, I still talk to him, I still make decisions based on what I know he would like. I do not believe there is a right or a wrong, there is what you need to do to survive the most horrific loss in you life.

What I can tell you is, no matter what road you take, you do survive, battle scarred and weary you move forward. We do it for our family, we do it for ourselves, and we do it because they would expect us to. For those of you at the beginning of this journey, the searing pain you feel does recede, it does not go away, but it becomes livable.

I can also say that I personally would not have survived this year without this site and those of you who have become my friends. There was no place else I could be as honest, say those things I could never say to those around me, and get the enormous support, and empathy and love. I want to thank all of you.

So we shall continue this road, as always ones breathe, one step, one day at a time

Comments for ONE YEAR

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Mar 27, 2011
One Year
by: M Mack

Zoe,

I'm really glad to hear you are making progress and the year has past for you. That's what I'm waiting for and pray the heaviness in my heart lets up. It's a little over eight months and sadness overwhelms me at times. Just yesterday I woke up feeling great, got alot done around house that needed attention and by 3:00pm - it hit me for no apparent reason. I jumped in the car and went to the cemetary..thank God it's only a 10 minute ride. After the full blown emotional outburst, I did feel better. When will this ever go away?
Nobody knows how these feelings bring you to your knees except the people on this site. We are a special lot, all going through the stages and yes...we depend on each other to hear (read) about our despair. It helps to know you are not alone and I think that's the band aid we need.

My prayers for all of us torturing ourselves over a lost loved one. It is a long hard journey but you and a few others who have enlighten us prove it does get better, sooner or later.

Mar 26, 2011
One Year
by:

Zoe,

We all are trying t find our way in this labyrinth of grief. I know that I will always ache for what was and mourn the part of me that died with him too. That part of us will not be filled with happiness like air in a balloon.

But somehow, we will all find our way. Remember how far you have come in the struggle of grief and just keep on keeping on. I also think that without this site and the wonderful people and wisdom here I would be (more of) a basket case.

I would torture myself with things that reminded me of him and thought why do you do this to yourself? But we will always have their memory in our heart. I hope that one day you can find peace within yourself. It is not easy and it seems impossible to live any kid of life without them.

I still play Pink Floyds "Wish You were here"
Because with all of my heart I wish he was here.
My only out of this grief is to like myself and not to worry about the world whirling wildly about me.
Hope

Mar 25, 2011
thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much for sharing this....

I am just beginning my "journey of grief"in relation to losing my beautiful and sweet mother. She died 9 weeks ago.

When my dad died 23 years ago, we were all in shock.

(Sudden heart attack... But in some ways, not a shock, since Dad was a heavy smoker and drinker, from a family with a history of heart disease.)

I don't think Mom ever really recovered... The grief and the sense of loss were just too much-- coupled with depression (untreated) and growing anxiety.

In my life...

I DO want to recover... I DO want to move on.. I DO want to live....

Eventually.

But for now, it stinks!

I resent the Springtime flowers that are getting ready to bloom!

(Who told them they had permission for that sort of thing this year?!)

I'm angry and I'm sad...

And I wish I could have done more....

I wish I could have saved her... from so many things.

Sadness, grief, anxiety, depression, fear, and ultimately, death.

Ridiculous, I know, but I do have those thoughts...

Nice to be able to write them out-- just to see how ridiculous -- and poignantly true-- they are!

Bless you on your journey.

And God bless us, everyone!

;o)

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