by Sheri Wherry
(Lisbon, Ohio USA)
What can I say that I haven't said a million times? What can I possibly feel that I haven't already felt? How many times can I replay that movie in my head? How many times do I miss you? When does it stop? How long does it take? A year? Three years? Five years? A lifetime? When?
For some reason I've been dwelling on that last minute. The time I saw you & you were gone. I keep reliving it nightly. Can't get it out of my head. I had never even thought about it...until recently. Why now? Did I really just block that day? Was I being so strong, that now it finally seems real?
I've replayed many other moments. The phone call is one that I've replayed so many times. The funeral has been replayed. But never that day at UPMC. The awful, gut wrenching day. The day seeing you lying there...talking to you...touching you. Talking....getting no response from you. Touching you...holding you. I can't get that memory to go away.
I thought being busy this week would help. Truthfully, it hasn't helped at all. It's just made me tired. Tired, irritated, and missing you even more. I feel totally stressed out. Totally lost without you. I feel like I'm living this dream. That it's just not real.
I know its real. I know you're gone. I've been to your resting spot numerous times. I know it's real...I just can't fathom it. Don't really understand it. How can you just be gone? Gone...never coming back...how does this happen?
How does love just end? How do I stop loving you...missing you...wanting you? How do I start to live without you? I know...I've lived without you for over a year...you haven't been home for a long time...but I knew where you were. I could still talk to you. Sometimes....I forget your voice...sometimes I forget your laughter...I really want to just forget the pain...but remember these things. How do I go about this?
Tomorrow will come...it will actually just be a day...a day like so many this year. Nothing is going to change. Nothing will happen. I won't miraclously see you, I won't be any different. And yet...I'm dreading tomorrow. I've gone through so many firsts without you. The first holidays...the first grandchild's birth...everything has been OK...nothing happened ...but...I'm just dreading tomorrow. I guess I should spend it just remembering...remembering YOU. Remembering...our wedding...Michael's adoption..buying the farm...fixing the house to make it a home...Stacey's birth...Katey's birth...the kids growing up...raising farm animals together....milking cows together...family vacations...family holidays....family meals...the birth of the first grandchild...the birth of the last 2...remember all the time we DID have together....remember all the good times. I need to forget so many things...forget any fights, bickering we had...forget any bad times...forget the last day of your life...forget the pain...forget the heartache. I need to make this a day of rememberance. A day to think of you & smile...remember you calling me "Babe"..and "Sheri Baby"...remember how you made me feel...remember that I once belonged to YOU! Remember...how special you made me feel.
That's my plan for tomorrow...I'm going to remember all the good...forget all the bad. But most of all....I'm going to remember what a great life we had TOGETHER! And how...even though I'm making it...I'm doing it...I'm doing it without YOU. And I still miss you...I still love you.
September 17, 2010....a day my heart was broken in ways that will never be able to be mended. A day...that changed me....forever. I love you, babe...until I see you again. You've got me babe!
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