One Year

My mom died one year ago yesterday. I couldn't think of another way to honor her than writing about her here. She descended into alcoholism when my brother and I left for college and just in general didn't ever take very good care of herself. Things had felt off for a while before my mom died- in her last year she was visibly jaundiced and bloated, left the house only when she absolutely had to, and she became very reclusive and secretive. My family and I tried to help her and talk to her, but she was never very receptive and would usually get defensive or it would just increase her secretiveness. By that final year, I had joined Al-Anon because I didn't know where else to turn, and this helped me to realize that no matter what I said or did I couldn't make anyone else change. I'm really glad I went, I think it has helped in accepting her death a bit more and I'm sure I would have had a lot more guilt about not being able to help her if I hadn't gone.

There's a part of me that truly is happy that my mom isn't suffering anymore. But there's a bigger part of me that just wishes so badly that she could have found some purpose to get and experienced joy in her life again before things got so bad. I wanted this so badly that I would dream about it, and I still do to this day. I'm in a lot of pain and I have such a hard time letting people know, it's easier to appear stronger. But it's only appearances, I feel alone and devastated a lot. I ask myself why this happened to her? Why our family? It makes me feel so much sadder and lonelier when I hear of other people's families who are so close and have not been plagued by drugs and alcohol. I just want someone to understand. What I want more than that though is to hug my mom one last time and tell her that I love her so much.

I'm in school so I don't think about what happened all the time because I'm often very busy. But when I do stop to think about it, it feels just as bad as the day I found out she died. I think that hole in my heart will always be there. I think I've attempted to fill it in various ways, some good, some not so good. I know that I will just have to accept that it's there and nothing will fill it. Like most things, this is much easier said then done though.

I love and miss you so incredibly much Mom xoxox

Comments for
One Year

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Aug 01, 2012
 One Year
by: Doreen U.K.

I am sorry for your loss of your mom. You mom seems to have been a private person and didn't want to share her feelings or innermost thoughts with anyone. There is not much one can do when someone is passive and doesn't share much. I was married to a man who was like this. That was part of his charm and his personality. I couldn't change him if I tried. He was passive and a very private person. Even when he died of cancer 11 weeks ago he would have taken a lot of secrets to the grave. He was not good at sharing, or talking much. You wouldn't have been able to change your mom. Change is difficult for some people. We live in a fractured world and families are fractured. You would be surprised to know that many families are plagued with alcohol and drugs. it is part of our society now. It would be lovely to live in a perfect world with a perfect family and no suffering. This will only happen in the new world to come. But for now we have to struggle on earth and serve others with Love. That is our mission. I often feel the same way as you do. I come from a family where my mom became and alcoholic. She drank to drown out her pain. She didn't set out to become an alcoholic. NO ONE DOES. It is how people COPE with life. Drinking is the social norm. I think you would seriously benefit from grief counselling. I can feel your pain through your writing. if it was not for counselling I probably would not be alive today. Best thing I ever did. I got my life back. But harder to live now I have lost my husband. Let grief take its course, but get a good support structure in place for yourself. It will be a whole lot easier.
Aug 01, 2012
 It will take some time.
by: Kelly

Im not sure of your age, but I was 25 when I lost my mum. She went off the rails with alchohol and "presciption" drugs when i was only about 12. It was a long long road but she did sort herself out when i was about 19. But then sadly she developed pancreatic cancer and died when i was 25. She was only 47. Such a waste of life. It took me many many years to deal with that. I know my mum was in a lot of pain through those years. And as you know there is nothing that you can do about it. But I also understand your guilt. I feel the same way after losing my dad last year. But what I know is that guilt is a really bad feeling to hang on too. And you have to let that go. In your darling mums case it was too much for her.. I have also lost a friend to alchoholism and am about to lose another one. I tried to help both... THink only of the happy times if you can, I know thats hard. Im still not there about my dad. But I am trying. It's a day by day process. Each day is a milestone I have learnt. Love and Light to you. Kelly

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