My mom died one year ago yesterday. I couldn't think of another way to honor her than writing about her here. She descended into alcoholism when my brother and I left for college and just in general didn't ever take very good care of herself. Things had felt off for a while before my mom died- in her last year she was visibly jaundiced and bloated, left the house only when she absolutely had to, and she became very reclusive and secretive. My family and I tried to help her and talk to her, but she was never very receptive and would usually get defensive or it would just increase her secretiveness. By that final year, I had joined Al-Anon because I didn't know where else to turn, and this helped me to realize that no matter what I said or did I couldn't make anyone else change. I'm really glad I went, I think it has helped in accepting her death a bit more and I'm sure I would have had a lot more guilt about not being able to help her if I hadn't gone.
There's a part of me that truly is happy that my mom isn't suffering anymore. But there's a bigger part of me that just wishes so badly that she could have found some purpose to get and experienced joy in her life again before things got so bad. I wanted this so badly that I would dream about it, and I still do to this day. I'm in a lot of pain and I have such a hard time letting people know, it's easier to appear stronger. But it's only appearances, I feel alone and devastated a lot. I ask myself why this happened to her? Why our family? It makes me feel so much sadder and lonelier when I hear of other people's families who are so close and have not been plagued by drugs and alcohol. I just want someone to understand. What I want more than that though is to hug my mom one last time and tell her that I love her so much.
I'm in school so I don't think about what happened all the time because I'm often very busy. But when I do stop to think about it, it feels just as bad as the day I found out she died. I think that hole in my heart will always be there. I think I've attempted to fill it in various ways, some good, some not so good. I know that I will just have to accept that it's there and nothing will fill it. Like most things, this is much easier said then done though.
I love and miss you so incredibly much Mom xoxox