One Year


It's hard for me to believe that my father has already been gone a year. One year ago, at 10:19 am (funny I remember the exact time), I got the phone call from my mother that he had collapsed while playing golf. He had gone out to play with his friends, and after hitting a "near perfect" shot, collapsed while talking to them. We now know that he suffered sudden cardiac arrest. He never regained consciousness despite heroic efforts by his friends, EMTs and the ER doctors. As this year has gone on, we have learned more about that day from the people who were with him, and the only sliver of comfort I have is the fact that he apparently had no idea what happened. There was no warning, no pain...he literally just dropped. For me, the hardest part of all of this has been the shock. I still cannot believe he is gone, and I never had a chance to say goodbye. I will never again hear his voice, or share a cup of coffee with him, or share another great book with him. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me, and this past year has been a blur. Seasons have changed, friends no longer ask how I'm doing, holidays and birthdays have come and gone, my children are a year older, but to me, I still feel stuck. I'm not sure if this is all part of the process, but this is where I am. My body physically aches, I feel like I have aged considerably. My mind is always filled with thoughts of my dear, sweet father. I talk to him all of the time. I hope he knows how much I loved him, how I continued to learn from him even though I am an adult. I hope he knows how special he was to my children, and that they still cry for him at times. He will miss all of those special occasions with his grandchildren that he cherished so much. Driving, college, graduations, weddings, etc. He was truly a wonderful, youthful, almost magical man, and my heart lifted whenever I saw him. I am an only child, and he was my biggest fan. He was a real gentleman, and he was liked by all. People have told me that he "died doing what he loved." I know they mean well, but no matter what the circumstance, there is no way to lessen my grief. The heartache and the pain rage on. I am thankful that I had him for so long - he was 81. I am thankful that he saw me get married and got to experience being a grandfather. I am trying to live a beautiful life to honor him. If I have learned anything from this whole experience, it is that life is indeed fragile, and can change in a moment. I am trying not to take anything for granted, to live in the moment and to embrace each day as best I can. It is not easy. I found this website shortly after his death, and have read of the same sadness, tragedy, suffering and grief that I am experiencing. The replies are always filled with compassion, hope, understanding and comfort. Thank you for helping me this past year - I wish you all continued peace, Barb

Comments for One Year

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Feb 11, 2014
by: Anonymous

Barb, our anniversary is March 11th at 10:17am. Yes, I remember the time, too. Fortunately, we had our chances to say good bye. Dad was in the hospital for a week, before he passed. I too, at times feel a physical pain. Some days are better than others, but at times, the grieving is almost unbearable. My father was 82 and had lost his mobility and was about to need full time care. In some ways, it made it easier, because his suffering was over.

My last year has been a complete blur and does not seem real. My mother is still living, so we have been helping her. She is 77 and at times fails to realize that she is not the only one grieving.

Your post is an inspiration to me, it really helps put things into perspective when I see that others have the same "symptoms" as I do. Before I found this site, I thought I was going to loose my mind. I kept thinking that I should be doing better. After an poor attempt and counseling, I found this site and it has been a blessing to me. Just to read others post has helped to realize that it is okay to cry, hurt and not be as strong as I think I should be.

I pray that you find comfort in the days to come and thank you for your post. God Bless!

Jan 17, 2014
Thank you,
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your response Doreen - your posts have helped me greatly this past year. It is a comfort to know that there are others who really understand all of these emotions, and this website has been my "support group" - I would be lost without it. You are in my thoughts and my prayers - I hope you can continue to heal from all of this pain, Barb

Jan 16, 2014
One Year
by: Doreen UK

Barb I am so sorry for the loss of your father and how it is still affecting you life. For me it has been 20 months of losing my husband and I don't feel much farther along with grief. Good days and bad days come and we soldier on each day doing the same things and wondering when will grief be done and we are able to move on in life without an aching body that lets us down all the time. We are all going through the same feelings but with different intensity. It is the finality of our loss that crushes us. Not seeing our loved one again and having the need to feel and touch them and tell them how much the mean to us. It is the small things we take for granted that we value the most and they are now gone forever. Knowing and Believing in God gives us daily Hope of eternal life and seeing our loved one's again. Often this day seems so far away. But we keep soldiering on each day with Hope in our hearts. May God rise to meet you and Hold your pain and sorrow and Keep his Hand on you, comfort you and give you His Peace.

Jan 15, 2014
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you both so much for your kind words and heartfelt responses. They really help me. I have read your posts too, Anonymous-MI, and remembered that you were also suffering in the aftermath of your husband's SCA. Sadly, each day there seem to be more and more posts from people who have experienced this. SCA touches so many more people than I realized - and I have learned so much about it this past year from my obsessive research. What a traumatic experience this is for those of us left behind. I continue to keep everybody on this site in my thoughts and prayers. It is a great comfort to know that people care, and understand. Wishing you both strength as you coninue to heal, Barb

Jan 14, 2014
Changed Forever
by: Anonymous

i am so sorry for your loss. I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I think a sudden death is so difficult because one minute things are fine and normal and then in a split second your life is turned upside down and changed forever. Add to that the fact that you never got the chance to say good-bye to your loved one. It is so very painful. I wish you peace and acceptance. I lost my husband to SCA two years ago. He was only 54 and left behind four beautiful children. I am still looking for peace and acceptance. Grief is a very difficult journey. I guess we have to trust God to get us through it.

Jan 14, 2014
one year
by: Anonymous--MI

Barb, I have read your posts on this site about your dear father. I know the pain of loosing a loved one from SCA--my wonderful husband died 14 months ago from SCA--it is so sudden, abrupt and shocking to have your loved one be seemingly fine and then have them ripped from our arms and heart in a few minutes! Anyone who has lost a loved one suffers a major loss as both you and I have; added to the loss is no warning, no time to say good bye; no time to do anything but be in shock, numb and in total grief. I have gone through the past 14 months with so many questions, so much anger, so much bitterness and despair in how I no longer have the love of my life. It has been raw and brutal. I have a grown son and daughter who felt about their Dad as you feel about yours. They both have spouses and children and are very busy but this has not altered or stopped their sorrow. I recently read that we have this to think about: We cannot have back what we have lost; we cannot stay where we are; we must move forward in this process of grief. I do not have good advice for anyone on this site except to say that I have and will continue to trust God to lead me out of this valley of darkness. I cannot do it on my own. Barb, may God give you peace and His comfort.

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