one year-alone

by Yvonne
(California)

I tried writing yesterday but was crying so hard I couldn't see the word at the bottom= got it wrong 3 times and I couldn't send it. I was so upset I went to bed and cried all night. It has been a year since Roger left me. I have heard all of the cliches all of the pat answers but the one that is coming now is you have to get on with your life.

All I can say is "What Life?" I have no life. Sure I have kids and grand kids and they say I need to go on for them. But they have their own lives and yes they will miss me when I go but no one will miss me the way I miss Roger. No one will know the loneliness -the complete aloneness I feel even when people are around.

I have tried-took a drive to my sons house up north. But I was driving alone-no one to talk to -to share the scenery with-and when I got home I almost could not walk into the house because I know there would be no one to talk to about my trip.

I am trying so hard. But have no idea what to do when the loneliness, the missing him so bad I can't stand it, when there is no one to share my thoughts with, no shoulder to lean or cry on, no one to tell me I will be OK. I walk though the house wondering why I am even trying. I clean the house and work in the yard but there is no one to appreciate it.

I have gone to dinner a couple times with neighbors-out with my sister but I still come home to an empty house and am lost again.
The pain is greater than day one-they say it will stop but I really don't see it happening in the near future and until then what?
Please God let me get the word right at the bottom!

Comments for one year-alone

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Jul 30, 2011
thank you for your message
by: geoffrey pyne campbell

I too am going through grief every day. But when I read your message I thought, Oh this dear, dear soul, and wept. You are in my prayers. There is one thought, if I may, that is, through all the grief, you loved, you were loved, and are loved. I have no one. I am just a short little man in his late fifties, but all my life I hungered for love, wept in the nigh seasons, prayed and fasted that Providence would send me someone I could care for and meet her need, and most of all, know love. You have experienced that. Though people see my smiling face, they know it not, that at night I weep for I am all alone, unloved, unsought and not needed. I do find that helping others helps to take away the pain, doing volunteer work, and prayer. May God bless you dear friend in grief.

Jul 30, 2011
Me too at 1 year
by: M Mack

Yvonne,

Can you remember when you were weeks, a few months, 6 months into this grief process? You wouldn't go for dinner with your sister or friends because you didn't feel like it. Like all of us we went through the motions of living, dwelling on every memory and didn't have the energy to socialize. So you see you are finally trying to socialize and now you have another problem to conquer.....the empty house when you get home. You were so aware of the empty house before because you dwelled on being alone. To stay home, you KNOW you are home alone. The next thing to conquer is coming home to an empty house. We are all taking those baby steps to get through our pain. You can only fix one thing at a time my friend. Taking on all of it is a crash and burn scenario. So you see, you are getting a little better, and you are striving to live the norm. The loneliness is something I don't think ever goes away, but continue to do things with others and the sadness of coming home to an empty house will eventually lift - one day at a time. I can't wait for the day that I smile fondly of a good memory we had instead of crying my eyes out. I look forward to not feeling so empty and alone. I pray we find the balance to be happy more often than not. Take care.....we hear you.

Jul 29, 2011
No One Will Miss Me Like................
by: TrishJ

Yvonne,
The thing that touched me in your post (brought wracking tears to me) was what you said about nobody missing you as much as you miss Roger. You are so right. I know my children both love me and my grandsons worship the ground I walk on....but they are not going through the heartbreak that I'm going through....that you're going through. They've all moved on with busy active lives.
I wake up each day with a glimmer of hope. I'm up every morning by 5:30 a.m. By noon I can feel the depression slowly creeping in. By 5:00 p.m. I'm done. All I want to do is sit, cry, read posts on this web site, look at old pictures that tear my heart out. From 5:00 p.m. until I finally go to bed around 11:00 the darkness creeps in. It doesn't seem to be getting much better. Some days are OK but most days are bad. If I do go out with family or friends I start feeling tense about 1 hour before leaving because I know I'm going home to an empty house. The sinking feeling as I walk through the door is hard to face. It happens every time.
I hope things will get better. I try to be optimistic.
I too am hearing that it's time to move on. I say when it's time. I'm not feeling it yet. Hopefully that will gradually change...but for now nope, not feeling it.
Hugs to you. God bless.

Jul 29, 2011
a year gone and a little more
by: Judy

Yvonne,

I hear you loud and clear and remember the exact feelings you are describing. I know you still won't believe this but things will get better. The loneliness however hasn't gotten better for me and I can give you no advice or words of wisdom there. I can tell you that the pain will get better, you'll be able to say his name in casual conversation and not have your heart crack into shards, and you will actually go for periods where you feel genuine laughter and happiness. Slowly these occasions will be more frequent and you will realize that slowly you are feeling better and the world looks better. But this will be at your time and pace. In the time that's right for you.

Eventually you will adapt to coming home to an empty house. Some wise lady here said that what we do, we adapt, not "move on" or "pick up the pieces of our life". We adapt. We women are good at that, we adapt to marriage, motherhood and now widowhood. I've actually come to like some aspects of living alone. I like doing housework in my pajamas, reading all day Saturday if I feel like it and having Moose Tracks frozen yogurt for dinner. Or no dinner. Or Taco Bell. I don't like having dinner alone and sleeping alone. But I've adapted.

It's just something we do in life, we adapt. You will too. You will.

JM

Jul 29, 2011
Every one is different
by: Debbie

I just past the year mark with the loss of John. I am starting to get used to this new life. I don't like it but this is what God has given me. I have to accept it. Others have dealt with this very same loss.Try to find solace in you are not the only that has suffered this hurt. I understand completely what you are going through. I hope you can find the strength to cope with this new life. I will pray for you to find this strength. Take care & know I do have an idea what you are feeling...

Jul 29, 2011
Surviving grief....Part 2
by:

Yvonne,

I wish I could find the words to ease your weary mind. I have been where you are and the feeling is all too familiar. I will promise you that things will get better but not when you want. It is a gradual feeling that subsides much like when we are so sick that we are sure that we just can't stand another minute.

And really grief does have many physical aspects that wear both mind and body. The year mark seems to bring to a head all the feelings and emotions that we have felt with the past year as we relive many thoughts that just won't seem to leave our memory.

I have stopped counting the months since he died and that in itself is something that I had to consciously do. It had been a year and a half in June (6th) and as I head to December (the 2 year mark) I wonder If I can escape this inner loneliness that only I am aware of.

I do consciously try to make each day count, It is so easy to just sit on the couch and feel really shitty but I know that does me no good and think that he is looking down on me and that is not the way that he would have wanted it. Almost like a little voice arguing with me to get up of my lazy sad ass and LIVE!

An older post said fake it till you make it and as in with shyness it works. You need to appear o.k until you are o.k. There will be meltdowns now and then and ya know thats o.k. It is the memories sneaking up on you when you least expect it. But mature grief turns those memories warm instead of so very sad and that is what we need to go on. To make this life ours and not waste another day wanting what just cannot be. My best always...
HH

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