Only Love that I will ever have

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Only Love that I will ever have

by Tom Murphy
(Kansas City)

I lost my wife and best friend on July 23, 2010 at 37 years old. This October 17th will be our 18 year anniversary. Every day it seems to get harder. Everyone always says that every day you will start feeling better but I don't see how. The hole that has been left in my heart will never heal.

We have 2 wonderful boys that have helped keep me in check but I cannot let them know how I am feeling because I have to be strong for them. Our youngest son is having a very hard time with everything and is always asking dad how have you stayed so strong. I know one day god will make sure we see our loved ones again. I just don't know when that day will come.

I miss her so much and do not know how or why I should continue to go on without her. I have been reading on this post for several weeks and see how strong all of you have been. Please tell me how you deal with this pain!!!

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Only Love that I will ever have

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Only Love that I will ever have
by: Tom

Well it has been a little over 5 months since my wife passed away. A lot of ups and downs but just trying to make or force a new normal. I miss her so much and find myself calling her phone more and more just so I can hear her voice. I don?t know if it is just time but I am having a hard time remembering how great her laugh was.

My son and I go up to visit weekly but it is so cold out and snowing that we don?t spend much time with her. I guess I am feeling guilty because of that. I know it has been awhile since I wrote to anyone but I read the posts daily.

This site and hearing all of the other stories just helps me understand how I am doing. Someone posted a couple weeks ago about when to take off the wedding rings. I had a friend ask me last week "you know if you take off your wedding ring you will meet someone new"; I informed him that I buried my wife with her ring on her finger and mine will stay on mine.

I know they say death ends the marriage but I think that is only if we let it. Time may change the way I look at it but for now I prefer to keep everything just like it was. I hope everyone is still moving forward on this crazy ride we are on.

Tom
by: Mari

How are you doing Tom? I was thinking about you and praying that each day will bring you more healing. Time is what you need and the Lord by your side.

I feel that you have set a great example for your boys, the way you have stood by them and they will always remember that. You are doing well. Just allow the healing to take place a little at a time.

Keep us updated on how things are going. We are here for you.

I am not the same person after losing my husband but I have come through with the love and support of others. This board has been a great help.
Life constantly changes. I lost the love of my life but am getting a new great grandaughter by Christmas. Life is a mixture of sorrow and joy.

God took back what was his in the first place but is giving new life, a little baby girl.
It is going to be grand reunion in heaven Tom, when you see your wife again. God bless you.

Lost Love
by: Tom

Thank you all for all your posts. We had our first snow this past weekend and I just stayed inside. Life is just not fun anymore. We loved the snow and being able to play with the boys. I took my youngest son shopping on black friday but we found ourselves just walking the same path that my wife and son took last year. He told me stories as we passed every store and things my wife had said. We walked around for over 9 hours and just talked to her.

I started shopping a couple of weeks ago but can not get motivated to wrap the gifts. My wife always made the holidays so special and now I feel that I am only a shell walking around. I know I will be able to make all of this work because I know she is guiding me in the right direction.

for Zoe
by: Mari

Hi Zoe. I know it is very difficult without John. Someday you will meet again. You are stronger then you think. You lost someone precious to you. It will take time for healing. We are here for you too.

I am not the same person. I feel like I am cast into a different lifetime or something. My whole life has changed. Mainly I have to do everything including jobs my husband used to do. I stay busy all the time here. Church activities keep me busy and the people's needs here at the complex. The only day I take off is Sunday because that is the Lord's day.

That is my way of coping. Helping others helps me.
Zoe, what you feel is natural under the circumstances. You know we care for you.

I realize I will never feel my husband's kiss on my cheek again. The new baby is due by Christmas and that will bring me joy and my husband will be looking down from heaven. My grandaughter looks so pretty. She just glows. My husband would be quite beside himself with joy. The pastor said my husband went to him for prayer toward the end for his ''babies.''the grandchildren. So we must keep going Zoe. Take care of yourself and God bless you.

How you getting on
by: Jen

Hi Tom,

Just seeing how your getting on as Christmas is approaching.

Its a tough time and i send you my best wishes.
All the best.

Jen

Time
by: Zoe

Please allow me a duh moment
I wrote Time I meant to address it to
Tom not sign his name to it

Sorry Tom things like this happen when you
Write at 3am lol

Time
by: Tom

You have to realize that your time and the rest
Of the worlds is different right now
Their time moves forward yours has stopped
The day you lost her
I think that is why we get slammed so hard
Life, momentum, whatever forces you to move.
Then suddenly you are back to that day, that
Moment.
And then you put your head down
One breath, one step, one day at a time
Come as often as you need
We are here

You're doing great
by: Jen

Tom

Time passes so fast and yet we feel we get left behind sometimes. You're doing a fine job plodding on in this awfullness.

Things must be sorthed but when they are done you don't have to them again.

There will be many ups and downs and who knows what emotions tomorrow will bring but all we can do is do the best we can in this unwanted and uninvited journey.

I am so thankful for my two girls who have given me a reason to get up and in a lot of ways routine is good.. it keeps us going whether we feel like it or not.

I never imagined being a widow at 38, who would, but i am grateful that i was the one got to share those very precious and loving years with Richard.

Keep going you're doing well. Be proud of yourself...

Jen

Its that time of year
by: Tom

Well its been 18 weeks and I still feel like it was yesterday when I received the call from my son that mom fell asleep in the van sitting out front. I only wish she had been asleep. This week is Thanksgiving and the house is just not the same. I don't get to see her running around and telling me what needs to be done before the family arrives. I have had a few good days but when I do, I know the bad days are just around the corner.

I finally got the results from the autopsy and now it just seems like starting over. Talking with the doctor and having to go into the funeral home to pick up the death Certificates. It just brought back everything. I know being able to come on here and text away is such a great idea and it really helps get everything back in line. It always makes me feel better when I can come on and just type what ever is on my mind. Thanks for being here when I need you the most

for Jen
by: Mari

Hi Jen. I am sorry for the day you had. It will get better. It just takes time. I have had those low feelings too. Your message touched my heart because I truly understand. We just have to keep going and one day the sun will shine again for us. Healing sure is a difficult process.

I am glad to hear that you went to see family as that helps. I know we are taking small steps and sometimes seem to go backward but I suppose that is part of healing. Take care of yourself. We care for you.

for HH
by: Mari

When you said the seasons have an effect on you I can sure understand that. As soon as the weather changed here I started feeling more pain because My husband passed away Nov 22 and the weather is the same now as it was then. I felt it keenly with the weather changing.

It has been a difficult year indeed. I used to flip the pages of the calendar too but now I don't have to. The anniversary is about there. It is my birthday on Nov 20th and the memorial will be held then, as he loved my birhday and planning special things for me.

I have made progress but this month has turned out to be sad.I agree that our lives will become manageable but we will always miss our loved ones. Take care and God bless you. Mari

For Zoe
by: Mari

You are absolutely right Zoe. We just have to keep going. And when you think about it , John would want that for you. The love will always be there and some day a glorious reunion in heaven. Last night I prayed my self to sleep. I kept thinking of my sweetheart. It was little things like the way he referred to me as ''wife'' or ''sweetheart.'' He was certainly the love of my life.

I stay busy all the time and have church activities too. I will think of him when the church does another walkathon on the 21st because he used to tease me about walking seemingly non stop. The walkathon will involve several churches. He used to say,''You're skinny ,honey and move fast.'' He was not able to move real fast and required more sleep then me. I work here at the complex and deal with tenants too and their needs. It is when I am wanting to rest that I start thinking of him more.

I am 65 yrs old and my mom is 84. I cannot imagine what it will be like living as long as my mom, all those yrs without my sweetheart. But we have to keep going.

Take care of yourself. Time will help you heal. I am better. It is just a process we have to go through. Be sure to take care of yourself and keep posting. Isn't this board just the most wonderful place? God bless you.

they will never know
by: Jen

Tom
Until you're here, no one will ever get it.
I'm 2 years into this crap and now at 40 years old i'm feeling rubbish. Days are good most of the time and kids do keep you going but they cannot fulfill what we had and the love and bond we shared with our other half. I make the most of each day as Richard would have wanted me to have done, but down days hit hard and so does the loneliness.

Trust me, we will find a way.....I'm getting there and i'm proud of myself..

Jen

Thank you
by: Tom

Jen

Thank you for checking on me. October has been a very tuff month. We had our 18th Anv on the 17th, My wifes Bday on the 24th and halloween (I still did all the fun stuff like hay ride.) I asked my wife's mom to come over and spend the day with us. We had a really good time but for me it was a day from hell. I missed her and everyone that came by was saying they were so sorry and everyone said it will get easy. How do they know unless they have had the loss that we have had.

Hope your doing ok
by: Jen

Hi again Tom,
Sorry but i wrote in your site last week when i was telling a story of my own so i apologize for that.
I hope your doing ok and continuing to get thro each day...

Thinking of you,

Jen

On my own..
by: Jen

Hi everyone,
Feeling lowish and anxious this morning as i head out to new friends and a family day.

I am anxious as its times like this i feel so alone and will feel that i stand out in the crowd for the wrong reasons.

Its so awful as you all well know not having your other half with you and I still feel it very hard being out in the company of couples. I just want to feel the warmth and company of Richard and him not being here is still unbelievable.

Its times like this that our new circumstances hits hard.

I am looking forward to meeting new people and I want to but its so so hard doing it on your own.
Im sure my day will be great but waiting to go makes me nervous..
I know you all understand.
Thanks for listening to me. I know you are all always there for me...

Love to you all
Jen,

Don't be mad at yourself
by: Zoe

Tom,

Don't be mad at what you wrote. That is what we do here, we freely express how we feel, .

I say things on here that are true and genuine, but that I cannot say any place else, those dark feelings, or the darkness that surrounds me.

It is ok to be selfish in your grief. Your children have lost their mother, her family has lost a daughter or sibling, but you have lost your soulmate. There is not one loss that is greater than another, and for each the loss is profound. Grief is like being on a ship on the ocean in a storm; sometimes you think you have your footing; sometimes you are slammed into a wall. When you are slammed into a wall, and you need to be selfish, come here and express it, we always listen.

I say every time, I do not want to be here without him, I cannot do this without him.
and then one step, one breath, one day at a time.

Zoe

Time flies & time will heal
by: Anonymous

Hi Tom,

I understand perfectly how you are feeling right now. I lost my husband through suicide just slightly more than a year ago. My 2 young sons and I are devastated and initially I didn't know how I could possibly go on from here and even thought of joining him. The pain of losing my only true love was just too much to bear.

But with a lot of support from my extended family members and friends, I keep on keeping on for my sake and for my children's sake and most importantly for my late husband's sake. He is now in the warm embrace of God and looking at me and the kids from heaven. He is free from pain and is in a perfectly peaceful place. Because I love him dearly, I have to carry on his unfinished duties on earth. I will help him accomplish tasks that he would have loved to accomplish if he is still alive today.

I just surrender totally and take each day as it comes and try as best I could to live life to its fullest with the sure hope of meeting him one day.

Hang in there!

Your doing well
by: Jen

Tom,
You are doing great.. So many ups and downs you will face,steps forward and steps back but this doesn't mean your not getting it right..
There are no right or wrong ways of dealing with this awfullness. It is an unwanted situation we find ourselves in and it is unbearable but very slowly we take a small step forward.

My girls and i have come a long way and I am so proud of them.They get me up in the morning and help me focus on the day ahead. They really keep me going.I am also proud of myself and all my achievements over the past 22 months. You will be ok. Some day you will see how far you have come. There is no time limit on grief, its all at our own pace and getting thro each day.
Your doing well, Stay strong....

Jen

Thank You
by: Tom

Thank you all of your kind words. Well it's after midnight and I am back because I need to see how everyone else is doing. I look back now and I am mad at myself for what I wrote. I don't want to leave my boys because your right, one day I will be able to spend more time with my wife.

I guess during all of this our feelings kind of run wild and we don't think before we talk (type) how we feel. It just seems like everyday I relive everything over and it hurts more today then it did 3 months ago. I guess the question will always be there as to WHY or what I did to have this hand dealt to me. Thank you again for hearing me out and understanding what is going on.

Your first season.
by: HH

Tom,

You got through Summer and now Fall is upon us. I don't know about everyone else but the change of the seasons seems especially hard.

I have taken the flip calendar and flip it to the next month as in Oct 6th. That means that I have got through another month. It used to be Every Sunday at 10:55 was another funeral in my mind the T.O.D that I would relive every Sunday. Now as time passes Sunday is a day off. I can remember that day as easily as I remember the Day that I met Paul and the Wow Feeling that he gave me from that day forward for 17 years.

I would like to think that we can control our feelings, that these horrible waves we can shrug away, Or that they dissipate over time. They do not disappear but become more manageable. And the tightening of the throat, the sick feeling in your stomach lessens just a little. Then you can notice the amazing sun set. Or feel the breeze when nothing was felt at all for so long.

It is a day by day thing. And while being strong for your son make sure that you allow your self to grieve. There is no shame if she sees how much you loved and miss her. There is no road map for grief you just ride the roller coaster the ups and downs and know in the end eventually you will be o.k. Come back Often we are open 24 hours a day to lend an ear...

HH

The pain is still there but its like having an infected tooth or severe physical pain and finally the antibiotic or medicine starts to work finally then some just a little relief.

Only love that I will ever have
by: Donna

Tom, please know that you are not alone. I know how lonely and lost you feel. You see, I too lost my love, my soulmate, my everything on July 23, 2010. I don't know how, or why, but I do know that Bryan and your love wants us to keep going and be happy. Bryan made sure to tell me that he knows that I will grieve for him and thats ok, but they do want us to be happy. I know that our kids are stronger than we think. Let them help you through, help each other. Please keep coming to this site it has been so helpful. I don't know how we will survive this, but we must, for our kids, ourselves, for the world. My girls got upset when they read that I wanted to be with their dad. I explained that it wasn't that I didn't want to be with them, I just miss their dad so much it hurts so badly. But, I too know that I will be met by my everything when I get to heaven. Just keep coming, keep crying, and keep believing in God.

Only love
by: Jules

As someone else comments - one step at a time, one breath at a time - sometimes you feel like you are going backwards - but your boys are your reason to find a way to deal with the pain - don't be afraid to talk about the fun times you had with your boys, and your wife, don't feel it is wrong to laugh and enjoy yourself - your love would want you to go on - she is watching over you, and is willing you to be strong.

All too young.
by: Jen

Tom,

I lost my husband coming up on two years ago now. He was 41 and I was 38. We were married 16 years and have two amazing teenage girls. My children have been my rock and my reason to get up each morning. Dealing with your children's grief and your own is relentless. And worst of all at the end of the day there is no one there to give you that lovely hug....
You will face a lot of anger and bitterness in your road ahead, but having been there and just turned forty i feel a little better. This new and uninvited guest settles in a little.
Its hard for you so early on to think like that but in your own time we must try to be happy again.
I know Richard would want that for me.... I really do.
I wish you all the very best in this new uninvited life, I really do.

Jen

For Tom
by: Mari

I am very sorry to hear of your loss, Tom. It is so hard to lose someone who was like part of yourself. You have to go through the grieving process which is different for everyone. Even when you come through it there may be memories that cause you to be sad again for a time.
My husband passed away on Nov 22 2009.He had a heart condition and many other issues and he passed away in his sleep. The last thing he said to me before he passed was ,''I love you so much.''I tell you it was awful for me. I emailed my 84 yr old mother and told her I needed her and within 10 minutes she was making plane reservations. All my children came, church family, 2 pastors, friends, tenants, you name it.
The police were wonderful as well as everyone else. I cannot say enough about our wonderful police officers who made all the phone calls and comforted me.
I miss him every day and actually feel his presence at times. I took over his job here at the condos and have had to do everything he did. There is no one to hold me or say something he always said,''I do love you, you know.''
There have been many issues here to deal with. But I really have the love and support of my church.
Now what I have done and what I suggest you do is just give all you feel over to a loving God who will never leave you. Just say,''Lord, I cannot go through this by myself.''You will need to call on the name of the Lord many times but that is where your help comes from. The grieving process has to gone through and there is no way out but God can comfort you while you go through it. I would not have made it without God's help.
And yes you will see your wife again and it will be a glorious reunion in heaven.
I have discussed my feelings with my grandchildren. I have also dealt with their feelings. They loved their grandpa.It was very hard on them.
I have a birthday coming up in Nov on the 20th and then the 22nt is the anniversary of my husbands passing and I know it will not be easy.Plus a new baby coming, a great grandchild in Dec. My husband adored all those grandchildren and had he lived he would be bragging all over town that he was great grandpa.
Well. It isn't easy but healing comes with time. Some day you will remember the funny things and the good times you had together. Take care of yourself and be sure to tell your children that your strength comes from the Lord because I am sure they are grieving too.
I do have problems still coping but there is some healing. I sure miss that man.Keep posting your feelings because it sure helps. This is a wonderful board. Keep us updated. God bless you.

One step, one breath at a time
by: Shirley

How do you do it? One step, one breath at a time. My beautiful 23 year old son died of leukemia 10 weeks ago. I never knew that pain could be so extreme. I move forward in his memory but to be honest, I am looking forward to the time when I can be with him again. Hug your children. Their love will sustain you.

Shirley

One foot
by: Zoe

It is different for everyone
There are those here who are stronger
And pull us through (thanks always to hh)
Then you read her pain and know
It it no different than our own
I don't want to be here
I can't do this without my John
So I put my head down and put one
Foot in front of the other
Sometimes movement is all we have
And write here express what you dare not tell
The rest of the world we will listen
Sometimes we speak sometimes we are
Silent in our own pain but know this
Is the one place you are heard.

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Only Love that I will ever have