Ordinary World

by Anonymous

I had to give up my best friend. I miss her more than words can express, but the pain that I was causing her was more than I could bare. I could see her confusion, frustration, and hurt over our situation. We never intended to let the friendship get out of hand but the connection and emotions we had for each other were unlike any we had experienced with any one else before. We were true soul-mates. She began in the last few months to talk more and more about me really not being able to be there for her in the context that she wanted or needed, and that I knew she deserved.
I did not want to cause her anymore pain. If I had stayed in the relationship it would have been more painful in the long run for her, not to mention myself. I felt so strongly in ways I never have before that I convinced myself that we would work out somehow. We had to! How else could our connection make any sense? The pain though is excruciating for me and I'm sure for her too. I made a clean break from the relationship after we talked one day and we both agreed it wasn't right what we were doing and that if we went any further it would cause her to live in guilt.
None of that changes the the fact that this hurts beyond anything I have ever known. It is a grieving. I love this beautiful (inside and out), smart, compassionate, incredible woman and she deserves more than what I could offer her in my situation. I never meant to hurt her in any way. She is the female version of me in practically every way. I am sorry that what started out as the most beautiful thing, a relationship of us loving and caring about each other just for who the other person was, turned out to eventually add more pain in her life. We started as relieving and wanting to erase the pain from each others lives. I was so stupid not to see where this was headed and to think that I could control it - that we could be "just friends". The depth, emotion, and connection I have with this absolutely gorgeous woman could never ever be "just a friendship". God I hate the pain I have caused her and now I have to live with that, and the eventually lesser but still regrettable pain it will be to her in the long run. I want her to live a truly right and joyful life. To find and keep what so so richly deserves more than anyone I have ever known. I was the only person that ever really knew her or her me. I hope she finds what I would not have been able to give her in my situation; at least not now - maybe never, but for now she is better off with out me. I failed to do the right thing earlier in our friendship and now I have to live with that and the pain I have caused her and others in our lives. I did the only thing possible to make things right as I could at the point our relationship got to - to spare her as much as possible more pain, but I don't know if she can see or understand that. I pray so, at least eventually. So to my best friend and soul-mate whom I love with all my heart - no words can make this grieving any easier, but I hope you know that I truly love you and did what I did instead of lie to you and have you live in guilt. I never did lie to you about how I felt, circumstances, or anything else I ever said to you. I just wanted it to work for us so badly that I convinced myself it would. I never meant to hurt you in any way. It is like a death to me only you are still here. Everything does happen for a reason much bigger than we can sometimes see and this is no exception. Trust God to led you in to the life you deserve and joy in whatever way that path leads. I love you always my best friend...